Monthly Confessional

Time: my most precious commodity. At the end of each day I am left with a lingering sense of lost moments, discarded opportunities, forgotten promises. With three children under three, every day is condensed to the simple objective of survival. However, those wasted seconds, minutes, and hours will one day come back to haunt me. I suppose at the end of all things, we will always be left with the fact that it was not enough. We could have done more. We could have tried harder. So I do not pretend to subject myself to unrealistic expectations that steal my joy... I am human. I fail. I make mistakes and won't do it right all the time. But the reality is this: I don't want to survive. I don't want to make it by. I don't want to sit down at the end of the night feeling as though I had a 'productive day' because my to-do list is smaller whilst my children spent the afternoon in front of the TV or playing in a room. I want to do it right. I want to be engaged with my children, enthralled by them. I want to use every opportunity to teach them and hug them and praise them and delight in the goodness they represent in my life. 

I hereby confess my attempts to occupy my children with things so that I can get my chores done. I confess to wasting away whole days with trying to keep them busy so that I can accomplish my tasks.

I sincerely hope that this merely portrays me as human rather than an awful mother. I do try. In fact, I spend my evenings after the kids are in bed pining away at what could have been and regretting the poor decisions I made that day. I go over my catalogue of confrontations with the children and dissect them in infinite detail wondering how I could have handled it better. And through this daily 'recap' if you will, I hope that I am becoming a better mother. I hope that next time I don't make the same mistakes or fall into the same pits. I am learning every day and my children delight in teaching me and challenging me with new and brilliant strategies to test my knowledge!

I like to think I am a good mother, even when I don't do it all right. My kids keep me young and bring a fresh vibrancy to my life that I would be lost without. They are my light, my sunrise, my bouquet of very wild flowers! Many would tell me that I 'am a wonderful mother' and I would believe them :) But the reality is that I could always do better. And it is this unattainable goal of perfection that I will strive towards. I will never make it there, it will be disappointing each day when I fail, but my kids are worth the effort. For them I will get up each day aiming to be the very best, engaging, delightful, ever-praising, cheerful mother that I can be and pray for the strength to do it!

Who, me?

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I have fresh stew simmering in the crock-pot and kids screaming in the background. And I think to myself: How will I find the creativity to write today? My mind feels like a nice pot of mashed potatoes. Trying to pick out coherent thoughts is possible, I am sure, but the question is, is it worth the trouble? You see, this is one of those days. You know the ones where you just seem to float on the sweet wisps of indifference? I am floating. Finding the will to focus is far from my sight and I feel like I simply pass through the motions one by one. Somewhere, in the deep, dark crevices of my mind, I know I should care... should devote myself fully to my tasks. But sadly it all comes down to the majority. And the majority vote is in, I'm too tired to be vibrant today. The rainbow is gone, the sparkle in my eye must have been carelessly misplaced. Today I am just me. Today, I just try to get by and do what I have to do. Not to say I am discontent. Neither am I faced with the bleak prospect of unhappiness. Instead I am simply plagued by the familiar pit of complacency and the effort it takes to climb out seems hopelessly out of reach. 

And so I sit at my kitchen table, watching the sun move its way painstakingly across the sky, and pining away for yet another cup of coffee. The house waits in utter disarray and I choose to be an innocent bystander in this game of "house".  I claim the right to wide-eyed naivety! I can do my work, I can watch the kids, I can make dinner... and at the end of the day when I look around at the things I failed to accomplish, I will boldly ask the question, "who me?" And so, don't point your fingers at me today! Please reserve your judgement for tomorrow. Because today... I claim ignorance!

A Mother's Musings

I'm feeling a feeling and I don't know why
I can't decide if I would rather eat or clean or cry
I have a list of things to do, it's getting rather long
But my interests are divided and my motivation gone

I dabble once in everything without one thing completing
And what the heck is wrong with me? I simply can't stop eating!
After pumping out a child, I thought I would be smaller
But somehow now I weigh myself and I just want to holler!

I watch a show or read a book and feel myself inspired
But is it worth the trouble when I just feel so darn tired?
It sounds like I do nothing and that really isn't true
In fact I clean and work all day, it seems like all I do

And so I'll stop complaining, for it isn't all that bad
I'd rather live in constant mess than be a mom that's mad
I'll bite my lip and hold my tongue and with my children play
For life's too short to dwell upon the hopes of yesterday!

Daily Duel

DAILY DUEL

The morning starts, the day is here

I roll over, my duty is clear

Pressing snooze I start to doze

But 10 minutes later, my rest is deposed

I sigh, I groan, I shake my head

And my weary body I force out of bed

"Try to be brave, try to be strong"

My mantra runs through my head like a song

I shower, I wash, I go to the sink

And there I mix up my favourite drink

Coffee in hand, my hair in a towel

My kids start to stir and call my foul

I look at the clock, disbelief on my face

My kids must think this a marvelous race

They must know, they must sense, they must have a hunch

To irritate mommy, they'll beat me to the punch!

I try to tune out the sounds that I hear

At least it's not crying, a few minutes so dear

I sit at the table and squeak out a prayer

"Oh God help me not to pull out all my hair!"

I pad down the hallway and open their door

Their faces light up, and I know this is war

It starts off with smiles and cute little antics

And then there's the screaming 'til one of us panics

My heart in my throat in anticipation

I make them some breakfast, with great expectation

They look at my meal and snub down their nose

And on the floor their disdainful food goes

I take them downstairs and cleanup with a sigh

And think to myself: "how will I get by?"

I turn on the TV for a moment of peace

And but for a minute the fighting does cease

We color, we play, we frolic outside

They scream and they fight and their time they bide

Until, of course, their father walks in

Somehow they are perfect: they squeal, laugh and grin

I try to explain the day that I've had

He looks at their smiles and says "it can't be that bad"

And so I trudge my way to bedtime

And flop on the couch with a feeling sublime

The day is over, the deed is done

Now I just wait for another one!

I try not to think of the trials ahead

  As I sit and relax with my husband instead