Monthly Confessional: Identity Crisis

My kids are asleep, the house has transformed from my cage to my sanctuary. Its many corners and crevices are all mine to explore and search for the peace and quiet I am so desperate to find. And so it is that I find myself a cozy little space and sit down to write my monthly confessional. June, a month of spontaneity. Wind and calm, sun and rain, wind and stillness. I have been forced to consider why I feel a sense of discontent these last weeks. What is it that causes this stir deep within to reach out for something more? I have everything I could ever wish for. A wonderful husband, three beautiful (albeit spunky) children, a home of my own... no it is not possessions I desire, I am feeling a sense of loss this month. Feeling the loss of my 'youth'. I quote that for the sake of those who are rolling their eyes at my dramatist mentality. My age is not lost on me, I am still young, a fact I am reminded of every time someone realizes these children I traipse after all day are actually mine! No, it is not the number that I begrudge. I guess I feel like this stage of my life is stealing something from me, a part of who I used to be. I used to be fun, spontaneous, full of life, so sure of myself! Now I feel tired, bored with the same routine in and out day-by-day, and insecure.


So my monthly confessional is this: I miss that which I never had. I wish I didn't have to let go of that fun, spontaneous person I used to be. I wish I could take my husband out without worrying over babysitters and money. I wish I could do something new, something exciting! I am watching myself turn into a mom, a real mom. Serious, responsible, all the things I both resented and admired in my own mother... and it scares me and makes me a little bit sad for the person I am leaving behind. Maybe this has been happening for a while and I just haven't seen it, I mean the last three years have been pretty busy with weddings, new babies, moving, etc. Now that everything has settled down and I have time to sit down and reminisce, I realize that somewhere along the way I changed. Not only did I assume a mantle of responsibility and seriousness that wasn't there before, but I lost a lot of my confidence. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, I feel all mixed up. I don't belong any longer with the young, unmarried people. I don't even belong with the married people. I belong with the parent people. People who are mostly older than me. I feel out of place. I feel insecure. And I HATE that! When I walk into a room of people, I have to force myself to put on a face when really I just want to go back home. WHO AM I?!?!?!?!? No, I don't think this is an age crisis at all, it is an identity crisis. It's all about who I am now versus who I used to be. 


I suppose the question is what do I do with it? I don't know the answer to that. Things, experiences, are not going to change the person that I am. I guess it is just something I am going to have to accept and let go. But that is a lot easier than it sounds. I feel like I am all of a sudden in strange boots that DON'T FIT! I don't know how to walk in them and I just want my old ones back. But I can't. I think I will grow into this new role, this new person that God is forming me into. There is no use fighting something that is inevitable, I will only make it harder on myself. My confessional, I am in a total identity crisis right now. And so very tempted to go out and be spontaneous, laugh, be carefree! Sigh. I need my sister :) 

Sweeter as we go...

I have thoughts, as crazy as it might sound. And as I have been unable to portray these thoughts in passing conversations, I have decided to attempt it in writing...

Over the last 7 months since Malakai's birth, both Jonathan and I have spent both time and energy discussing and searching as to why we feel so strongly towards him. Perhaps it is because he was born pre-mature. Maybe it is because of his personality. Maybe we both just love babies and were like this with all the children and we don't remember. Maybe it is that he was so little and has been in and out of the hospital more than the others. We guess and we wonder, we discuss and we ponder. And I believe I have finally achieved an opinion regarding the matter.

As time has progressed and with each new baby we have felt as though we cherish this baby more than the last. Let me clarify that I am not saying love or favor, simply cherish. And I believe that that is because after experiencing it 3 times now, we know that it passes so quickly and we are taking our time to enjoy and treasure the short time that we have. To us, baby's truly are sweeter as we go. I can already anticipate that whenever we have another, I will look at my older three and wonder where the time has gone and try to snatch every last minute I can with the new one while I still can. The second reason is that we have two toddlers. Screaming, fighting, toddlers who require nearly constant time and attention and copious amounts of patience! So when we see sweet little Malakai cooing and smiling and babbling at us, asking nothing, doing nothing wrong... we are drawn to his innocence and his ease. He is easy to be with. He is a breath of fresh air in the midst of our chaos! :)

In conclusion, we love all of our children dearly and equally, albeit differently. Each of them carries so many characteristics that draw us to them, make us laugh. However as time flies by and our lives continue to somehow get away from us, each passing child becomes more and more precious, a reason to slow down and "smell the downy baby hair." And that is a temptation I can't bear to pass up! Mmmm, I have to go snuggle my son now! Good night all!