I am laying in my bed, slightly uncomfortable as always, with a quiet and yet incessant voice in my head (and my abdomen) telling me to get up and pee for the hundredth time. I try to ignore it. It persists. And so, I start the ever-increasing ordeal of shifting positions around my pillows in order to get my fat butt out of our memory foam sinkhole. It is then that I see my husband float through the door, so smooth and graceful, like a cat trying to hide its indiscretions. Calmly ignoring him, I proceed out the door to do my business and return to look at my clock. Alas, it is 5am. Did my dear husband work until 5am? No, he came home several hours earlier and watched TV for three hours. Does this upset me? You better believe it! I give him a huge lecture about taking care of himself (really for my sake because at this point in my life, I can't handle when he is grumpy because he refuses to sleep), and roll over in a huff. Such a huff, in fact, that I now have a 4 1/2 pound baby jumping in my uterus and a new, not so quiet voice, telling me to eat. I am no longer tired (although come 2pm I will be most likely a dead man walking) and decide to get up. Already planning on how I will blame my exhaustion on him later on today... I find myself wondering what to do with myself. My kids are still asleep, I can't do anything too loud for fear of waking them. So, I clean. Mopping my floors, tidying up toys, folding laundry. At last, the time came for me to sit with my green tea and do some much-needed devotions.
I have been trying to work my way through Beth Moore's "David" study. In nearly a month, I have watched the initial video and today I finally finished the first week of homework! But today was the story of David and Goliath, a favourite of all Sunday School children out there. I was struck by the wonder of it all once again as I read about David's courage and tried to imagine myself having the same faith, the same courage, the same boldness. I could not. One thing that she wrote really impacted me, and I decided with what little time I had left, I would share it with whoever still reads this poorly neglected blog.
"FAITH IN FAITH IS POINTLESS. FAITH IN A LIVING, ACTIVE GOD MOVES MOUNTAINS"
Now, turn off your sunday school brain that is telling you, "yes, sure, of course, didn't you know that dear?" and think about it. How often do we place our faith in our spirituality? How often do we feel discouraged or intimidated or even unable to complete a task because we are uncertain of our faith? Didn't we also grow up hearing "if you only have enough faith..." The problem with this statement that is stuffed down our throats, is that it leaves us thinking on our own terms, in regards to our own strengths.
"I can't do this because I am not strong enough, because I don't have enough faith, because I don't do enough devotions, or don't pray enough"
We may not put it into words like that, but I often feel discouraged, even in my day to day tasks because I just don't feel like I can do it. For example, right now I am 8 months pregnant. I feel big and uncomfortable. I have constant heartburn making eating a chore, bending over a literal pain up my throat. Sciatica so bad my hips pop with EVERY single step I take and shooting pains whenever I twist the wrong way. Varicose veins that throb all day long and get worse every time I can bear to look at them. I am irritable, impatient, annoyed, and most of all exhausted. I am so physically tired, I will look at my day, at a situation with the kids, at the clock even, and think to myself "I can't do this". I feel like I am failing as a mom every time I snap at my kids, but I feel like I can't help it, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to achieve more patience. So I sit in my little slump of the day-to-day, feeling sorry for myself and feeling like a failure.
Then I read this and I am once again reminded.... IT IS NOT ABOUT ME! It is not about my strength, or my ability to have more patience, or my ability to ignore my hormones, or my ability to have a better attitude, or even my physical ability to survive. I can't do it. That is the whole point. It is about God's ability. It is about his strength and his love for me and my kids, and his unwavering goodness that I can depend on. That I can lean on, that I can dip into like a well and drink deeply and say, "I can't do it God, help me". I often pray that prayer throughout the day like a drunkard on his last legs, "ahhhh! God, I need you!" But do I believe it? Do I actually give up trying to do it on my own strength and surrender to the Lord of my life? That is the key. Not saying it, but surrendering. And I never stop trying. I always think that now that I have prayed the prayer, I can just try harder and the strength will be there somehow.
And so today, dear readers, I challenge you to truly surrender to God. Put your faith in him, and stop trying so hard to do what we simply cannot do on our own. Have a victorious day! I am off to clean the basement before my little monkey's start clawing at me :)
