The Language of Sickness

If you assumed that it does not take a linguist to decipher an illness, you would be incorrect. I have all but given up on the medical professionals due to the fact that  there is very little they can do for most sicknesses. But me, I am learning the language of each illness that presents itself within these walls. First of all, let me clarify that I am not complaining that we are sick. While it is never a pleasant experience, compared to last year and worse yet the year before, this year has been a breeze. I remember the days when NOT being sick was something worth writing about.

I don't know if I would really be able to understand these viruses if I didn't have three kids and ample time to study their effects and patterns. However, as I am appropriated the honour of nursing my little darlings back to health, I make sure to take notes for when the inevitable occurs and either Jonathan or I succumb to the bodily fluids that get coughed on us, sneezed on us, kissed on us, and wiped on us all day long. And so it is that I have met Connie Cold. Connie presents itself as a typical cold, mild croup like in its symptoms and sounds. Somewhat dry in its nature, Connie continues on in each unsuspecting individual in this manner. Day one and two of the cold appear to be much the same, however day three brings an unwelcome surprise... fever. It started with Caleb, and this sweetheart of a boy just lays everywhere when he is sick. He wakes up, and goes to lay on the couch, he lays on the kitchen floor while I make dinner, he lays downstairs and just looks around at the kids. He does not often whine, he does not often complain, he just "rests" and pretty much melts my heart. I wish I could spend all day cuddling this sweetheart of a boy. On the eve of his fever day, I asked him if he wanted to lean on me (lean back on my belly while we watched TV), he smiled as if that was comical and said, "ya mom, I would like that, but I'll hurt your baby (as if, 'don't you KNOW better mom?!?!?!)". SO SWEET, even while he is sick, he thinks of others.

Selah was running a bit behind, and usually she is the one to get the least sick and oftentimes she doesn't get sick at all. She definitely has the strongest immune system, but when she falls, I know that I am not far off from the inevitable. She got the cold, but it did seem milder than the rest, and sure enough, a couple of days after Caleb, she woke up last night shaking and crying, trying to walk downstairs. She couldn't sleep and was dreaming about fire, and wanted to go play her computer game. I rushed to pick her up because she was trembling and I felt fire. I have NEVER felt a fever that high (explaining her dream I suppose). Every breath was laboured, and with the crying it sounded like a whoop with every breath in. As she was immunized for whooping cough,  I tried not to over-react. But of all the colds I have experienced in my children, that was one of the worst reactions and definitely the worst fever I had seen. Of course, you can guess that every thermometer in our house has a dead battery so I was unable to confirm my theory, but I laid with her until the medicine kicked in and her breathing was less laboured as I was too concerned to go back to bed. When Selah is sick, she cries, she moans, she makes sure that everyone knows it. With mild sicknesses I lose patience quickly, last night I just wished I could take it all away. My poor little princess, she sounds the same this morning. But sure enough the fever has broken and she is happy as can be!

Malakai, ever-eager to follow in his sister's footsteps, decided to follow suit this morning. Waking me up with screams. A fever more like his brothers, but he obviously is not feeling well. I got him medicine and cuddled him until it kicked in and now sit sipping my coffee with the sounds of him and Selah running circles upstairs. Amazing what one little tablet of children's advil can do!

And now, I feel it. In my nose, in my lungs. Sneezing, tired. This week is Jonathan and my 5th anniversary, we can't afford and can't find anyone to watch our kids so we can go away, so we planned instead a nice date night, full of shopping, dinner, an auction, a movie, etc. However, if we truly are getting Connie, I know to expect fever day to hit tomorrow or the next and am dreading the thought of cancelling this much-anticipated evening in favour for chicken noodle soup and a night in bed. :(

And so it is that I have deciphered Connie's whimsical ways. I highly doubt with all the slobbery kisses that I will manage to escape her wiles, but at least I know what to expect. The worst is yet to come. But after about 12 hours, I should feel better and be back to "just a cold".  Happy holiday's everyone!

NOT a walk in the park

I have long been under the misguided impression that my adorable little brood of children are a joy and wonder to all we meet. All "baby-less" couples we know, Jonathan and I innocently assume that a simple visit from us will soothe all their fears and make them long for a family of their own. 

Let's take a moment to observe our family from the outside... 

A Visit to a Friends

Just today I decided to dress all my children and take them to a friends goodbye open house. The beginning should have been a clear indicator for me, but my pregnant-fogged brain failed to pick up the classic signals and instead I persevered. Getting ready is an hour-long endeavour involving stress, palpitations, minor hyperventilation, and a whole lot of sweating (darn it, tell me I didn't forget the deodorant this morning!). I dressed Malakai and moved on to choosing Caleb's clothes. As Caleb dressed himself, I went to help Selah, trying to rip the knots of leftover food and gum out of her hair so I could attempt to put it up. After much complaining (on both our parts) I returned to the boys' bedroom to find Caleb with his pants half on, playing with his cars or watching a show. Trying to maintain my sanity, I turned off the TV, made a few mindless threats about "we'll stay home if you don't hurry up!" (which, by the way, have NO effect whatsoever) and moved on to getting myself ready. For this part, I am slowly learning to shut the bathroom door and lock the chaos out for a few minutes. This morning I remembered this time-saving manoeuvre and was quite proud of myself as I applied many layers of makeup to hide the bags under my eyes and the hormone zits. I walked out of the bathroom feeling somewhat human only to find Caleb yet again half dressed, preoccupied with some thing or another and Selah and Malakai fighting in the bathroom behind me. Upon returning to the said bathroom, I found my adorable toddler throwing cups, toys, and other items into the toilet and flushing it with grandeur. Selah was screaming in terror, horrified at what her little brother had done, and I was rushing in with my hand down the toilet (freshly used I might add) trying to dig out the remains of this small catastrophe. Crises averted. 

Shutting the bathroom door, a little too forcefully I might add, I go back to the boys' room and find Caleb has finally dressed himself and we are ready to progress to the second stage of dressing, the front door. Herding my little brood I go to the front and deal with Malakai's meltdowns, Caleb running out without his jacket, Selah whining in abandon that she "can't do it" and myself feeling slightly overwhelmed trying to complete the task in record time, we still have a 20 minute walk ahead of us! Deep breath Rebecca, this will pass. Just get them outside. My inner self speaks reason, it sounds so nice and calm, my outer self feels like hitting it with a large baseball bat. Finishing my feat, I make sure I have all my supplies and get the kids into the stroller and begin my walk. I'll save you every single detail of the day, but suffice it to say we got there in one piece. My kids even made it most of the way through the visit without destroying the house or embarrassing me. I was starting to feel relaxed, proud even of my "good little kids". And then, it happened. The true essence of my life emerged. I sit, I stand, I sit, I stand. Caleb is licking nanaimo bars off the table, leaving a smear of chocolate all over his little face and stuck fast to the table. Selah is stealing trinkets and putting them in her purse. Malakai is taking toys and throwing them into the toilet. Selah is screaming because her shirt strings on her back as she went potty made her sure she had a bee on her bum! After soothing her and fishing my SECOND item from the depths of toilet (also, freshly used), I decide the time has come to leave. I get the kids dressed yet again, boots on, shoes on, socks on, coats on... and Caleb walks through the house leaving a trail of mud. I scolded him and told him to sit on the front step, which he did so well, only he chose the second step, smearing his muddy shoes all over the carpet. Malakai and Selah are eating tostito chips with vigour, leaving a trail of crumbs all over the landing. All my embarrassed inner-self can think of is "retreat, retreat!" So we do, and as we make the trip back to the safety of my home, which can surely be destroyed no more than it already has... I think to myself, it's true, I really am crazy! 

Three kids, soon to be four, all 4 and under! No wonder everyone looks at us as though we are losing our minds, we really are. And yet, as I look at my kids asleep in their beds, peaceful and so darned cute, I wouldn't change it for the world. Do I expect to bring my kids over and "endear" my friends to have kids? No, I think those days of naivety are over. The only testimony that I can give for our insanity is this:

Our lives are chaos. Every day is an adventure, often ending with at least some form of bodily fluid on me, kids screaming all day long, and a house that is DESTROYED. And yet, we choose to have more kids.

What greater testimony to family can I have than that? Despite the list of crazy that goes on in my home (you don't even WANT to know the half of it), we love it. We choose to have more. And yes, we are pregnant again. Not because we are unaware of how it happens, despite popular opinion :) No, there has got to be something to it if we just can't get enough. I had my fill of crazy years ago, but my fill of children? My fill of kids, of adventure, of being challenged beyond anything I ever thought, of having my heart fuller than I ever imagined? Of watching a part of me, no, 3 parts of me, grow and change, and become little people of their own. Of watching my kids interact and love one another? Of watching them even fight and wondering at their differences? No, I will NEVER have my fill of that. So, I can't promise to come over to your house, although I can almost guarantee you wouldn't want the chaos over there anyways. Instead, I will stay in my safe, mostly destroyed house. And I will survive. But I will survive in the knowledge that despite being half crazy, and crazier every day, there is NOTHING in this world that compares to being a mom. And no matter how crazy it gets, I wouldn't trade it for the world!

** Special thanks to Christa, a good friend and a great mom! Thanks for putting up with us today, and all the best in your big move!

Sunny September

I am happy to say that life is getting more and more normal. I have had my bad days and my good, but recently we looked into billeting for the Chase Junior Hockey Team and two days ago we received a call that there was a boy for us, could we take him the next day? Ahhh! Talk about stress, my house has been falling apart at the seams. Needless to say, it forced me to get some of the house back in order, the school/play room, the laundry room, the office. It is all switched up and moved around, and it feels so much better. I am fully caught up on laundry, and I think after 5 years I have FINALLY found a system that works for me and is even enjoyable! Now that I am more on top of things, I am finding myself with blanks in my day where there is nothing to do! The house is clean, the laundry is done... now what? I always have a list a mile long, I remember this as being my favourite time. I was never more organized in my life than when I was pregnant, I don't know why it works that way. I just find it easier, mentally and emotionally to get in that space, do it, and then it is done. It is one of the many perks of pregnancy for me. Once the sickness fades anyways.

Our billet's name is Damon, he is 18 years old and very nice. I don't think we will be seeing a lot of him with practises and friends and volunteering, but it is kind of nice to have someone else in the house to visit with over a cup of coffee while Jonathan sleeps. I didn't realize how much I missed just small talk, a reason to get out of bed in the morning, motivation to make dinner and stay on top of the house. My husband and kids should be enough ;) But there is something about company that just kicks your butt into gear. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

The kids are doing good, I find Caleb the easiest kid in the world right now. He doesn't nap, he is finally out of the whiny stage when he doesn't nap, he is happy and cheerful all day and sleeps good at night. Selah is coming out of her "stage" for which I don't even have a name. She is so solitary, the kids will be outside, and she is usually inside with me just puttering around, pretending to go shopping or go to work or putting her stuffed animals to bed. She flounces around everywhere, upon meeting Damon yesterday, she was asked her name... and with her princess crown on and her little princess purse she grinned and announced "I'm a princess!" She is the most girly girl I have ever met in my life, and I am in complete awe of this flouncy little girl that is mine. Malakai is adorable, mixed with tiny terror. He screams at everything, says "no" to EVERYTHING I say, whines, pouts, cries. After being through it, I am taking it far less personally this time around and am way more relaxed. I guess I have finally figured out that this is not some huge character flaw in him, it is a stage that they all go through that he will grow out of. Please God, let him grow out of it soon!

Otherwise life goes on. I am hoping to start up a Bible study soon, and we are considering trying out some different churches to find one that has a nursery for our kiddos. It would just be nice to go to church and actually get something out of it. Hopefully this week we will be able to try out the one in Sorrento. I am feeling so discouraged with the lack of church in our lives, and am really hoping that God is leading us SOMEWHERE. My beautiful sister in law is due to have her baby any day now, and I can hardly wait!

Anyways, today is shopping day. Poor Jonathan has only slept a few hours, but we have a major costco shop to do that just can't wait. So off we go to our favourite place in the world... I am kind of scared to find out how much we spent over the year. :o Have a great day everyone!

Summer Update

Summer.... a season for relaxing, vacations, family time, and a whole lot of fun in the sun! We bought a boat this year, and unfortunately have not been using it as much as we would have liked. This summer, we found out that we are pregnant again. I have been feeling so incredibly sick, I went on diclectin which made me more tired than I have ever been in my life. Needless to say, this has been the most difficult summer of my life. I have never felt so low, looking after the kids and the house has been an insurmountable task and I have most often felt overwhelmed and discouraged. I am happy to say, that for the first time in nearly two months, I feel more like myself. And now for the first time I can look at this year with a bit of anticipation (laced with trepidation that is :) Both Jonathan and I are a bit astounded to be expecting number four. We always wanted four kids, however I didn't think it would be happening all within our first 5 years of marriage. Having our kids close together has been a difficult journey, but each time we look at our kids playing and interacting, and yes, destroying our house in complete unity... we are thankful that God knows better than us. Knowing the chaos that would be my life, I don't know if I would have chosen to space the kids so close, but now that the deed is done and the kids are best friends, I can't imagine it any other way.

So, just a quick update into the lives of the Spooner household. Our newest addition is to be expected on March 30th, so I can look forward to a jolly Christmas getting fat on holiday baking and succulent turkey. Mmmm. Selah and Caleb are ecstatic, Malakai has no concept! We have recently sold all our baby stuff, so we will have to purchase all the typical gear once again. But we have time. I am homeschooling the kids this year. They love their school :) And in between, they have managed to colour on nearly all my floors, walls, and couches. They have gone through every jar of baby cream and bottle of baby powder. They have rubbed my makeup into the carpet, ripped up half of my pictures and scrapbooking stuff, and much much more. Destruction is the name of the game over here, and now that I have some of my energy back, it's time to get on top of the house, and my three musketeers :) I will be teaching piano again this year, until March that is, but I am cutting back to just one day a week. I am selling Olivier stuff on the side and doing bookwork for my parents when I can. We are trying to save up enough money to go on Paternity leave this time for a few months as well as go on some family vacations while the baby is still little and easy :) Jonathan is doing well at work, a little bit overwhelmed with a sick, cranky wife and three screaming kids. I think he is "enjoying" work more and more, as it is his only escape from the crazy world at home ;) But now that I am past the worst of it, we are all hoping for a vast improvement. Here's hoping!

Toddler Tryouts and Preschool Pouts

I was up before 6 am this morning. Not of my own choice, but rather forced out of bed by bouncing children who have awoken before their designated time (which I have realistically set as 9am). It took every ounce of strength to not grimace my way through this morning... and a very strong cup of coffee. But alas, I have made it past the point of no return, I am officially awake and have decided to waste away my morning writing. 

Malakai is now 20 months. At this delicate age, they are not really a baby, and not yet a toddler. He has entered the dreaded stage of "toddler tryouts". With all of my children so far, this has by far been the worst stage of them all. They are too young to have a lot of the understanding needed, you cannot explain things to them, they throw fits and tantrums and there just is not a lot you can do about it. Oh, don't get me wrong, there is no way I will let my son just sit there and scream, he immediately goes in his crib. However, after three rounds, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what you do, no matter how consistent you are, it is still a stage that they have to go through. The difficulty presented with this age is that it is nearly impossible to carry on with a normal life. Nap time becomes a thing of strict necessity. You are housebound as going out inevitably procures an "episode" for all to see and judge. Trying to get ANYTHING done around the house is impossible. Every few minutes they are there wanting your attention, needing you, but not wanting you. Up, down, up, down, pushing you away, clawing at your legs. It is a catch 22, and I feel terrible for him, but much more so I feel terrible for me. Talking to Jonathan the other day, I decided that I don't need time away as a break, I need the kids to LEAVE for a day! I need to be able to clean my house top to bottom once a week without a million interruptions. I need to be able to have it stay clean for just one day, not destroyed the second I turn my back.  Possible? I don't know, but I aim to find out.

Caleb and Selah have graduated from toddlerhood and entered the "preschool pouts". There are days I feel that the whining will kill me. It never ends. NEVER ENDS. Whining, crying, pouting, sobbing, weeping, emotions that don't cease or have an expiry. The only time all three children are happy at one time is when they are sleeping. They love each other sometimes, hate each other the rest of the time. They feed off each others emotions, where one was perfectly happy they start wailing or won't eat or don't want the babysitter because the other one throws a fit. My house is like a giant game of dominos, what one starts, they all must follow suit. 

But all of this is manageable, the one that kills me is food. At least (at this is no feeble exaggeration) 50 times a day, I hear (in the whiniest voice possible) "I'm so hungry". No joke, I will feed them a massive lunch, 3 eggs each, cheese, cucumber, juice, etc. etc. etc. and within 5 minutes of getting down I will hear "but I'm soooooo hungry mom". I am so sick of it, I have tried denying them to which they start weeping uncontrollably about their hunger, you would think I starve them. Finally, so fed up with Caleb I told him if he was that hungry he could have a carrot. He just about leapt with happiness. I still haven't decided if they truly are hungry or just bored, I am sure half of it is boredom. But the fact that they will eat a carrot or celery stick makes me continue to feed them. And so it is, that I spend my entire day preparing food and cleaning it up, and once it is clean, I prepare more food. And the cycle continues. 

Once again, I am managing to waste my entire morning with sitting at the computer so I am going to log off. But to all you mothers out there with the "toddler tryouts" and "preschool pouts" I raise my cup of coffee to you and take a large gulp. Brew a strong batch this morning, you're gonna need it! ;)

Summer Update

It's summer, the sun is shining (although not today), the weather is warming, and my kids are flawlessly getting up again at 6am. It doesn't matter what I do. It starts with one, usually Malakai screeching for his early morning bottle. This wakes up Caleb, who then proceeds to keep Malakai awake once he has finished his bottle. And as I try desperately to send him downstairs so that Selah doesn't wake up (if anyone needs her beauty sleep, its her :) and out she comes, quiet as a butterfly, flitting out of her room. Ah mornings. Once my solace, I cannot seem to get up earlier than my children anymore. No more peaceful walks, or rejuvinating showers alone. Now from the second I open my eyes, I am greeted with screeching, fighting, and the dreaded "maaaaaaama! Come wash my bum!" Now that Caleb is approaching 4, I am recognizing a pattern. It happens each summer, maybe it is the sun waking them up, or the birds chirping incessantly out their window. Whatever it is, each summer, the clock goes back and they start getting up earlier and earlier, and unfortunately getting whinier and whinier throughout the day.

Life in the Spooner household has taken on rocket form. I can't seem to keep up. Piano lessons, working for my parents, Jonathan's courses and overtime shifts, shopping trips, doctor trips, and more. I love to be busy, but without fail it starts to show in my personal life and right now, my house is lacking. Now that lessons are almost over, I am starting to have some more time and even so finding it incredibly hard to catch up in this area. I try, I will spend all day cleaning and be so proud of myself, but in an evening it is all destroyed and finding the strength and willpower to do it all again the next day is hard to muster up. I literally was cleaning and Malakai followed me deliberately pulling out ANYTHING I put away. I would throw something in the garbage, he would throw it back on the floor. My silent little destroyer, toddling along behind me, sucking his little soother. So cute I couldn't be angry. My garden never happened, although I did manage to half plant a little flower patch in the front yard. Malakai is walking now, everywhere. He is so cute, both Jonathan and I love this stage. He is trying to talk more, although sticks to kind of one sound for everything ("sucka" is the same for both his sucky, kee kee, and simon). It is so fun to watch him become his own little person, so very very different from his brother and sister. And for all you wondering souls out there, no, we are not pregnant. I am sapping up every last ounce of baby left in my little boy. Even changing his diaper has become something I love, I know it won't last that much longer and it is just one more moment I can see him as a baby.

Life is changing, our little family is growing and changing. There are new ages and stages and attitudes and fights that we deal with every day in our children. Life goes on, day by day, and we just try to keep up, tag a long, survive in the midst of it all. Reading back on my old posts, I realized I miss this. I love looking back and seeing the catalogue of our family written out. I may not do it as often as I once could, but I will try to write more frequently if for no other reason than for myself. Right now Malakai is screaming, Selah just "fluttered" out of her room and Caleb is yelling for me to come wash his bum, so I gotta go! Happy mornings everyone, hope yours aren't quite as early as mine :)

Sunday Morning Shenanigans

I have three kids, three toddlers. Three clingy, fussy, whiny children that refuse to leave my side for anything. Because of this, leaving the house for anything is always an "experience" resulting in at least one meltdown and a very stressed out mom (no caleb, don't run in front of the car, selah! don't hide on mom in the store, malakai, stop throwing groceries on the floor in protest). How do I cope? I stay home! This brings us to the long discussion regarding church. At this tender stage in our families life, church is not relaxing, there is no fellowship or sermon for us, it is one long gong show from beginning to end. It is exhausting. I don't want to go.

We have started to get more involved in our little congregation, which has brought me to lead worship once a month. Although it seems like a relatively minor commitment, with the kids it is nearly impossible. They won't stay in the back, I have to try to arrange someone to help watch them, or three people... they run up and down the aisles. It is embarrassing and just plain stressful.  To be honest, there are times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and protest, "I'm never leaving my house again!" And there are weeks I have skipped church for no reason other than I can't handle the drama of getting everyone ready and out the door just to meltdown and play in the back by ourselves the whole time. There is the side of me that longs for the fellowship and time of refreshing that church used to be. But lets be real, that time is not now. I do know that it is just a stage, but my usual motto of "grin and bear it" sometimes fails to cut it.

This morning I am leading worship with Jonathan. That means I have approx. 1 hour to wake up my kids (daylight savings time means they only got about 9 hours of sleep last night), get them dressed and fed, pack snacks to keep them occupied, gather all my music stuff, get ready, start the car to warm it, get the kids all packed and bundled and ready and get to church to practise. I have no one to watch the kids during practise, which means they will drag their toys all over the sanctuary, to which we will no doubt receive condescending eyebrows from at least one person. I am about to lead a worship service when my heart is just not in that place right now, I am tired people. Last night, someone mentioned to me that I need to perservere as I am not doing this for the people, but for God. My first reaction was "of course" and even scoffing such "sunday school basics". But on the drive home, I realized that I need some of the basics. I am not doing this to please the crowd, I am not doing it to make life easy, I do this for God. This is my offering to Him, and although it does not feel like it, I think the sacrifice makes it sweeter in His eyes. It is not easy, it is not fun, and at times I lose perspective and forget why I do it. So today, I can prepare for the worst, but instead I choose to just lay it in His arms. I honestly don't have the strength to even do it on my own at all. This is my offering, my sweat and stress and the "toddler drama", may God give me the heart of worship I am lacking today....

I think I'll start with a cup of tea!

Quote of the Day #1

I had this idea that I would write 20 blog posts with "quotes of the day" from my adorable children. Whilst listening to their babbling and talking, the cuteness seemed to seep from them and I had a hard time choosing which irresistible tidbit to share with you all. And so it was, during one of my afternoon banters with my dear husband, that the quote of the day was sealed... not by my children, but by my criminally hilarious husband.

Insert dreamy picture here...

As I usually write about my children, I know this slight deviation may be confusing. However, I cannot help but write this ode to my husband, my best friend, the man who drives me crazy, makes me angrier than I have ever been, has the innate ability to make me laugh like no one else, my partner in parenting, and  (whimsical sighs everywhere) my soulmate. I know some of you are grimacing from the pure cliche of it all, but trust me, our story is not a storybook romance. It has been a rough, windy, crazy road, but I wouldn't trade a minute of it.


The Story


It all started about 5 and a half years ago. Jonathan and I met at a church function. And although we were inexplicably attracted to one another, we quickly ascertained each others age and that was that. I was dead sure he was far too old for me and he, in turn, was convinced that I was much too young for him. And so, we saw each other throughout the summer with an approving eye and not much else in the way of conversation... I had my sights set on a little bit... um, fresher meat ;)

A few months later, said hunk walked into the store where I worked all dressed up in his work overalls and I was flabbergasted. I mean, literally. I blushed like a school girl, my fingers turned to jello and I had the most embarrassingly impossible time dishing up his ice cream (to my credit, it was my first time... and it is much harder than it looks). Although my husband adamantly denies it, he did not help the situation, turning to full charm mode and enjoying my blushes far more than he should have. Needless to say, the tides had turned, and I could not get him out of my head. Long story short.... I found his number through more horrible embarrassment (I called around asking for the number of the "Jonathan with the black hair" um...... wow, it pains me to admit it). Within a year of calling him (nearly to the day), we were married. And I have spent the past 4 1/2 years with this incredibly complex person that I found I really didn't know at all.

We are dangerously alike. We are both stubborn, intense, passionate, determined, bull-headed. I suppose I thought that the golden rule would apply and that opposites would naturally attract. I remember thinking in our first year of marriage that surely there had been some sort of mistake... surely God wouldn't choose the two most stubborn ox's in the world and put them together... in a new career, with a new baby on the way, in a new town, away from family. SURELY not??!?!?!?!? If it looks like a recipe for disaster... you wouldn't be far off the mark. That first year both of us went through huge changes in ourselves. We grew, I grew, and through our clashes of personality... we somehow grew closer together. It was the hardest thing I have done. But both of us look back on those years with fond memories. Not because it was fun, but because we can CLEARLY see the road. We can clearly see the changes in ourselves and eachother. It is true that iron sharpens iron, and it isn't pretty, and it isn't comfortable but somehow, despite our similarities, we fit together so well. Not because it was natural. Not because it was easy. But because we have literally ground each other, through compromises, through letting go and giving in... into one. I know it isn't always the way it works. I know many couples have amazing honeymoon phases, I know that opposites often do attract. But I look at myself, and at my strong husband, and I think that I wouldn't change it for the world. I needed someone to push me, I needed parts of myself to die. I needed to soften in some ways, grow harder in others. In essence, I feel as though God has changed me and formed me into someone who is a little bit more pleasing in his eyes (and I hope, in my husbands ;)

Anyways, I went off on a bit of a tangent there. But, now you know a little bit about myself, my husband, and what brought us together. I suppose I can share with you the quote of the day:

(in reference to picking up dog crap in the backyard)

"It's like it's alive and when you reach down to pick it up, it gets angry--and releases its pungent odour"

May this post give you a little glimpse into the inner workings of our family, our marriage, and the man that I call husband and friend. He can make me laugh like no one else and I am so thankful to have him in my life.

Doctor's Office Mayhem

I do not cry in public places. At least I try not to. I am IN CONTROL PEOPLE! At least, for the most part. Today, in a room full of people, I had my own personal meltdown, and cried... and to be honest, at the time, I didn't even care.

Today, my kids have had fevers for nearly 5 days straight. They are coughing, they are lethargic, they are scaring me. I decided to take all three of my little hooligans into the local walk in clinic. Now, I live in a small town... and I mean SMALL! There is a walk in clinic, but it is only open daily from 10-11. Knowing this, I tried to get there a bit early so as to miss the rush. As soon as I opened the front door, Malakai started coughing. "No big deal" I thought to myself as I made my way to the clinic just 5 minutes away. By the time we got there, he hadn't stopped once and he started to throw up foam because he was coughing so much. Jonathan is working today, but showed up at the clinic to help me cart everyone in. We walk in the doors to find only one seat available, the room is PACKED, we are the last patients they are taking because they are too full. The kids have to sit on the floor. Caleb just curls up to sleep on the floor, Malakai coughs. And coughs, and coughs, and coughs... and you get the picture. He would not stop people, I mean not even to cry in between, "hack, hack, hack". He starts throwing up, I am trying to catch it in my hand as I sign us in. I ask how long it is going to be, and am told that we are the last ones so at least 45 minutes to an hour. We sit down. I cry. Malakai still has not stopped, he can not stop, he keeps wanting water and then keeps throwing up foam. Jonathan goes to get some vicks to help soothe his very irritated little lungs. I watch people beside me cover their faces, turn away as if we are diseased and will infect them all. No one offers to help as I try desperately to catch handfuls of throwup in my hands with kleenex as I cry and wipe my tears with my other hand. No one offers to find a bucket. I am covered in puke, Malakai is covered in puke. Jonathan returns, he is in uniform by the way, people feel bad. It has now been 15 minutes, Malakai has not stopped coughing ONCE in this time period. The doctor finally asked to see the "hacking kid" in the waiting room. We got in before everyone, to be honest, I think they were most relieved to remove the germs than to get us helped. We cover Malakai in vicks, and voila, he stops! Caleb curls up on the waiting room chair and sleeps. My high energy boy... won't even sit upright. He lays down on the kitchen floor, the stairs. They are so sick. The doctor spent half an hour with us, checking ears, listening to lungs. At the end of it all, Malakai has bronchitis, Caleb doesn't but his fever is the highest and he is so lethargic that he is prescribed antibiotics as well. Selah is fine. Her usual adamant self ;) On the way out, they did give us free tylenol samples, 4 boxes! (Jonathan just went and bought a box... wasted $10). I waved to the waiting room, full of people who were all before me and thanked them for letting us in. Jonathan helped me by sitting in the car for nearly 20 minutes while we waited for antibiotics. I felt so bad, he had files piling up like crazy.

All in all, I can only say that it is over. It was one of the worst possible experiences of my life. I could NEVER have done it alone. I am glad that they have antibiotics, and I won't be letting Malakai in the cold air until he is better. Never in my life have I seen my son like that. It was scary. We will have to monitor both the boys and make sure that they get better, otherwise tomorrow you may hear a recap as we trek off to the ER for antibiotic fluids. I pray to GOD that that does not have to happen. I don't think I can handle any more.

Anyways, welcome to my trip to the doctor. And how was YOUR day?

The curveballs of life

I am learning, slowly it seems, that life is full of unexpected curveballs, I don't do well with the unexpected. I do much better with plans, well-thought-out ideas and goals, and schedules. Unexpected is BAD.

However, it seems that God thrills with the unexpected and even more so thrills at the prospect of watching me try to adapt and adjust to the unwelcome and chaotic ripples in my little world. My comfortable, safe little world. I take this to the extreme in that I never allow myself to think about, dream about, get excited about anything I can't plan for, for sure. This complicates things when you are married to an optimistic dreamer. (Really honey, I'm not a pessimist, just a realist :) However, as with any aspect of life, balance is key. I have found that although I don't claim to like it I can claim that the unexpected makes me stronger if I let it. When I am surprised with a new development in our lives, or when I hope for something and am let down... I have one of two options. I could do the regular reaction and get overwhelmed, annoyed, disappointed, etc. Or, I could rise to the occassion, seize the challenge and adapt, change. Luckily, God saw fit to make me extremely competitive, and often that is the only way for me to choose the second path. I make a competition for myself, I take the challenge head on, to prove to myself and the world, that I can.

A healthy reaction? I don't know, but hey, it works right? And so it is, that I find myself faced with the many unexpected challenges that come with having children. Three children. And a dog. And a cat. And a husband on night shifts that can never be planned around. And teaching piano. And trying to fit in the rest of life like friends, fun, and heaven forbid a little leftover time for myself!!!!! Let's face it, it's impossible. I can survive in this whirlwind that is my life. But I want to thrive, I want to enjoy it, I want my kids to enjoy it, I want to be the mom with the smile always on her face, who adores her kids and adores her life. How is this possible you ask? I have come to the realization that on my own strength it simply isn't doable. I am human, I snap, I get overwhelmed, frustrated, TIRED... My morning walk this morning gave me a few minutes to seek God and realize that He is asking me to find my strength in him. All those verses about God being your strength and your song have never made more sense to me than now. He is not only my strength, but my SONG, giving me JOY and MUSIC to my days, a twinkle to my eye, a bounce to my step, a song in my heart.

I have long been misguided and deceived into believing that there is a perfect recipe for success. Spend time with God each day, wake up at 6 each morning, blah blah blah. So when I am too tired to get up, or  the kids wake up too early and I don't get that time... I am screwed for the rest of the day, right? But really, all I need to do is include God in the everyday. When I am tired and just done, ask God for strength and motivation. When I am angry and annoyed, ask God for peace and joy. When I have worked incredibly hard at something and start to feel self-pity or the need for affirmation, seek that affirmation from Him. It is a day-long conversation rather than a one time magic phrase. In some ways, this is harder for me. It means setting a habit of remembering God, of praying all throughout the day. But somehow I know that this is just the beginning, God has my whole life to build in me a strong prayer life all I need to do is recognize it and try my best.

Wow, long post, lots of thoughts, but really nothing new, sorry if this one bored anyone :) I am just so consumed with life right now, that all I can sit down and write about is how to survive in the chaos :)