4 days. 4 days until I say goodbye to my kiddos for who knows how long. Drive the long drive back to the coast, get set up in a hotel, and prepare for surgery. 6 days until I meet my baby. 6 days until I get tubes put into 6 different veins and arteries/locations in my body, a massive incision across my abdomen and my entire uterus removed from my body so that they can take out the baby and attempt to release my placenta. I will be awake for the procedure as long as there is no massive haemorrhaging or complications, in which case I will be put under general anaesthesia. Our little girl will be born at 34 + 3. Nearly 6 weeks early. My heart breaks for her. I am dreading the pain of the surgery, the recovery, the weird sensations and unknowns, being away from my kids, being away from my baby as she recovers in the NICU. This whole situation makes me want to run far away. I do so well in between appointments. You forget, you focus on something else, you try not to think about it. But here it is, right in front of me, and I could just cry myself a river. No bridge. No getting over it ;)
There is still so much to do. I am trying to set up rooms, set up beds. We are trying to have the kids stay here for as long as possible so they are in their own environment, which means having family come up and stay. I want everyone to be comfortable, and as close to routine as they can. This means an overhaul of my house, prepping meal plans so that whoever is watching them doesn't have to worry about anything. We still don't have our room set up for baby either, thats on tomorrow's agenda. Bringing in a dresser, clothes, change pad, etc. etc. etc. The list looms and I am so unmotivated. Then I feel guilty because the poor kids are watching way too much TV while we do all this work around the house and I just want to spend my last few days with them, having fun, making memories. Great, their last memory of me could be me yelling at them to go downstairs so I can clean the kitchen or go play in their rooms. Sigh.
The surgery is scheduled for 8am Friday, November 29th. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 am for prep and pre-surgery (inserting the catheters/balloons, IV's, arterial lines, etc.) I am not sure how much we will be updating everyone that day as it just me and Jonathan. He'll be so busy just dealing with the baby and me. Ill try to get someone to update my Facebook page once we are a bit settled and on the maternity ward. Tonight, I do 10 loads of laundry, then have a long bath. Tomorrow is another day, with another list, and another opportunity to make the best of a day when I am healthy and feeling good. Those days will not be here for much longer. Prayers are much appreciated. For strength for this little one, that she does remarkably well and surprises everyone and comes home EARLY. That she is big and healthy and breathes on her own and doesn't need interventions and IVs. For me, that I have strength to say goodbye to my kids. To get done what I need to get done. For faith, for hope. With my history I doubt, I stress, I worry that everything is going to go wrong and I am going to die on that table. That everything would go smoothly and no "worst case scenarios" happen. And for Jonathan, that he would have the strength to go through this. My c-section with Malakai was so traumatic for him, Aliyah's birth and fearing I would die was hell to put him through. And now he is going to have to leave me, with our daughter, knowing that the hardest part is yet to come and he won't know what is going on. That God would just draw close to him and give him faith and peace.
This will likely be the last update until after D day, so keep a watch on our Facebook pages for more tidbits, or Sonia's or Jessica's. Thanks for reading, for your thoughts and encouragement and prayers.
31 weeks increta
Thursday, November 7, 2013
This week has been one of my most challenging weeks. Mentally it is all just starting to sink in. This is happening. This is reality. I have three weeks until D-day. I don't feel ready. It feels surreal. We don't have any names, even a list made up. My house is destroyed, my to-do list still sitting on my fridge.
This week I have been sick, I have had horrible carpal tunnel and tennis elbow (in both of my arms), my back is so sore I can hardly move (something due to the way I sleep but no real way around that), constant 10 minute apart braxton hicks contractions that are increasingly painful, etc. I had an appointment on Monday which showed that my BP is doing fantastic. Good news! And I had my IV iron infusion this week. What should have been four hours turned into 8, so it was a long day. I had a reaction to the iron so they had to stop for a while, and give me Benadryl. They gave me a strong dose through my IV line and it was so excruciatingly painful. Within minutes all my veins were red and streaking up my arms and for two hours they were so sore. Then of course I was sleepy and drugged out, but stuck sitting in a chair for 8 hours, trying to sleep, trying to get comfortable. It was a sucky day and all I can say is that I am glad it is over.
Today I feel like I have been hit by a bus, all my muscles are so sore, my arm is bruised all the way up and throbbing, I feel weak and exhausted. The iron infusion still takes about a week to two to be converted into iron stores. So I won't feel any effects from the increase in hemoglobin for a while. In the meantime we are getting ready for our next round of appointments in Vancouver starting next week. We leave Monday for an MRI, anaesthetic consult, interventional radiology consult, ultrasound, and OB appt. My answering machine is filling up with nurses, doctors, hospitals calling to book me in for my surgery on the 29th. As long as all is well next week I will be home for one more week before heading back down for D-day. Pretty much that leaves me with less than two weeks at home. Jonathan and I are debating packing up the kids and running away in our trailer ;) It feels so strange to plan all this out, sign all your forms and consent to cut you open when you don't feel like there is anything wrong with you.
Needless to say, another week down, a few more weeks to go. I am keeping my eyes open for a laptop to take down with me. Something I can blog on, go on the internet, do my school reporting etc. Hopefully I won't be too out of the loop. We'll update everyone after all these appointments next week, we are hoping to be back on Thursday and should have a better idea of what is going on after the MRI. As always, your prayers are coveted as we tackle this home stretch. Caleb is having a really hard time with all of this. With me having surgery, needles, being away for so long. He gets very emotional whenever we talk about it and I am beginning to pray for strength for my kiddos as we enter this transitional time in our lives.
Until next time…
This week I have been sick, I have had horrible carpal tunnel and tennis elbow (in both of my arms), my back is so sore I can hardly move (something due to the way I sleep but no real way around that), constant 10 minute apart braxton hicks contractions that are increasingly painful, etc. I had an appointment on Monday which showed that my BP is doing fantastic. Good news! And I had my IV iron infusion this week. What should have been four hours turned into 8, so it was a long day. I had a reaction to the iron so they had to stop for a while, and give me Benadryl. They gave me a strong dose through my IV line and it was so excruciatingly painful. Within minutes all my veins were red and streaking up my arms and for two hours they were so sore. Then of course I was sleepy and drugged out, but stuck sitting in a chair for 8 hours, trying to sleep, trying to get comfortable. It was a sucky day and all I can say is that I am glad it is over.
Today I feel like I have been hit by a bus, all my muscles are so sore, my arm is bruised all the way up and throbbing, I feel weak and exhausted. The iron infusion still takes about a week to two to be converted into iron stores. So I won't feel any effects from the increase in hemoglobin for a while. In the meantime we are getting ready for our next round of appointments in Vancouver starting next week. We leave Monday for an MRI, anaesthetic consult, interventional radiology consult, ultrasound, and OB appt. My answering machine is filling up with nurses, doctors, hospitals calling to book me in for my surgery on the 29th. As long as all is well next week I will be home for one more week before heading back down for D-day. Pretty much that leaves me with less than two weeks at home. Jonathan and I are debating packing up the kids and running away in our trailer ;) It feels so strange to plan all this out, sign all your forms and consent to cut you open when you don't feel like there is anything wrong with you.
Needless to say, another week down, a few more weeks to go. I am keeping my eyes open for a laptop to take down with me. Something I can blog on, go on the internet, do my school reporting etc. Hopefully I won't be too out of the loop. We'll update everyone after all these appointments next week, we are hoping to be back on Thursday and should have a better idea of what is going on after the MRI. As always, your prayers are coveted as we tackle this home stretch. Caleb is having a really hard time with all of this. With me having surgery, needles, being away for so long. He gets very emotional whenever we talk about it and I am beginning to pray for strength for my kiddos as we enter this transitional time in our lives.
Until next time…
29 weeks
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Here I sit, scarfing a bowl of cheerios after a 7 hour drive from vancouver (2 hours of that spent sitting on a back detour road and 1 stopped at a restaurant to eat, but still, AHHHH). I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. Driving at night was fine with the older kids but Aliyah was a wreck the whole way. No one slept, we got to the hotel and it was about 11 before anyone was sleeping. The next morning we packed up Aliyah (my younger brother Timothy stayed with the older kids) and rushed to the hospital for our ultrasound where we found out basically nothing. No change. I suppose that is good news, it means it is not getting any worse. Baby is healthy and growing like a weed, we even saw her little hair!
We got back to the hotel, Jonathan had an errand to run while I sat crocheting like a madwoman, trying to keep my hands busy and my brain from thinking. Then we packed everyone up and went to the doctors. At this point, my hip was completely out from our first walk to the hospital that morning and I was limping and in excruciating pain. SUPER fun. We found out that most likely the surgery is going to be on Nov. 29th or earlier. Especially due to the fact that it looks like I am getting preeclampsia again. My BP was up significantly at this appt. We talked a lot about what to expect, I begged to be in the hospital for as long as I can to be close to our baby so I can nurse more frequently. To which I was told I will be released once I am stable. Great.
We were up until nearly 2 am that night dealing with Malakai who has a bit of a cold right now. It only flares up at night at which point he starts the most irritating, loud, horrible cough every 5 seconds or so. After an hour both Jonathan and I were so done. He went for a 4 km jog to try to find a gas station with vicks (to no avail) and I sat with him for 20 minutes in a steam shower and gave him his inhaler. Eventually he calmed down enough to sleep and then next morning it was up and at em for our next round of appointments. Kids were done, I was done. We were so tired. Packing up as fast as we could we rushed out of Easter Seal to make our appt. in time. Upon arrival we discovered that parking at st. pauls costs about $4/30 minutes. WHAT????? So $15 dollars later, for just 2 hours of precious parking time, we were making our way in to meet with the social worker and a specialist.
We left Van. just before 11 and Jonathan went straight to work. Kids are in bed, jostling around like orangutans while I sit trying to jam everything in my head and make a semblance of peace with all the new information. I HATE these appointments. I hate driving downtown, I hate the screaming kids in the background while I am trying to meet with a doctor, or seeing the annoyed glares from people around me. I hate having to go live through this all when it hasn't even happened yet. I hate the cold uncomfortable room where I can't even sleep by my husband and how much money it is just to park, eat, and pay for gas/hotel. If I say "I don't want to do this" enough times, maybe it will come true? Right? The cafeteria at st. pauls was terrible, worst one I have seen yet, and the most expensive. Two little plates (and I mean little, few pieces of bacon for me and 1 tiny hashbrown, horrible horrible coffee and jonathan got oatmeal) was $20!!!!!! Financially this is a gong show, and when I think of all the procedures, in this city I can't stand, I just feel like running away.
SIGH.
I guess I have gone through this enough to know that this is my process after each appt. I come back, I adjust, I process, I freak out, it takes me a week to take it all in. But then it all settles down and I go back to reality. So heres my reality. I have 2 1/2 weeks. 2 1/2 weeks to decorate for Christmas, buy a car seat and figure out where baby is going to go, pack my hospital bag, and enough stuff for a month and a half, do what I want to do for school with the kids, get my house organized, etc. In these few weeks I will have numerous doctors appointments in Kamloops, IV iron infusions possibly as many as one per week to get my iron up (nothing else is working) and checks on my BP/bloodwork. IF I make it that time without pre-eclampsia getting too bad, I go back for another round of appointments. MRI, u/s, interventional radiology (balloons in my uterine arteries), anaesthesiologiest, etc. At this point, if BP is still high, I won't be coming home. They will want me closer to Vancouver so they can keep an eye on my condition. I have no idea what we will do about that. If Jonathan can get off work and stay home with the kids, then I am by myself. With Malakai my BP got so bad so fast he didn't even make it in time for the induction. He wouldn't be there with me. I would be driving back and forth by myself in Vancouver. And it makes the time I am away from the kids from 2 weeks to more like 5.
I WANT to come to peace with this. I don't want the fear, the dread, the dilemma of this situation to consume me. But as the clock is ticking by, I don't know how to even do that. "Dont stress" about all I have to do in the next few days is easy to say, but it has to be done, and I have to do it. So its also a completely irrational thing to expect. I will stress. "Don't overthink it" seems ridiculous to me, because if I don't think and plan now for child care, our options, booking Jonathan off work, etc. Then we will be screwed. Time is short, thinking and planning must take place. I want to accept that the baby will be in NICU, that I won't be able to sleep by her, that there is no possible way I will be able to nurse her around the clock once they discharge me and I can't make it back and forth from hotels to the hospital every couple of hours. But the idea of going through the whole situation with Malakai again, worse, and for longer... is so overwhelming to me. It was without a doubt the worst 2 weeks of my life. And having to just "give in", go "visit" my baby instead of taking care of her every need makes me want to scream. It isn't supposed to be this way. And if it has to be this way, let me stay with my baby!!!!! Deep breaths.
I know, I know, the Sunday school response is burning on your lips "God is in control". And I know that. But when everything is so out of my control, I feel like I can't plan for anything. Needless to say, I am going to have to assume the worst, that I have 2 1/2 weeks to get everything done. That means I need to figure out what we need for baby, find a bassinet or co-sleeper and car seat, get organized. And pray that God gives me peace. I think hoping for a miracle at this point will be the death of me, better I just accept and come to terms with the morbid reality of this situation and then I can be pleasantly surprised by twists and turns in the road.
If you are praying for us, please pray that we can get everything done. That Jonathan can get off work and be with the kids, that God helps us financially (may our van get EXTRA good mileage :), that both Jonathan and I can come to terms with everything that is happening and feel peace, I need some peace. That the IV iron infusion isn't horrible (usually takes about 8 tries to get an IV in me with much bleeding and bruising and pain) and my iron is up so I am in the best shape possible for this procedure, and that baby will be extra strong and big and ready so that we can both be released at the same time. Oh, and NO vertical incision. We are really praying that the one cut is enough just considering how long it took my other incision to heal. I may never wear another pair of button/zip pants again people... ;) Thanks for reading my long vent session, your prayers are coveted and appreciated.
We got back to the hotel, Jonathan had an errand to run while I sat crocheting like a madwoman, trying to keep my hands busy and my brain from thinking. Then we packed everyone up and went to the doctors. At this point, my hip was completely out from our first walk to the hospital that morning and I was limping and in excruciating pain. SUPER fun. We found out that most likely the surgery is going to be on Nov. 29th or earlier. Especially due to the fact that it looks like I am getting preeclampsia again. My BP was up significantly at this appt. We talked a lot about what to expect, I begged to be in the hospital for as long as I can to be close to our baby so I can nurse more frequently. To which I was told I will be released once I am stable. Great.
We were up until nearly 2 am that night dealing with Malakai who has a bit of a cold right now. It only flares up at night at which point he starts the most irritating, loud, horrible cough every 5 seconds or so. After an hour both Jonathan and I were so done. He went for a 4 km jog to try to find a gas station with vicks (to no avail) and I sat with him for 20 minutes in a steam shower and gave him his inhaler. Eventually he calmed down enough to sleep and then next morning it was up and at em for our next round of appointments. Kids were done, I was done. We were so tired. Packing up as fast as we could we rushed out of Easter Seal to make our appt. in time. Upon arrival we discovered that parking at st. pauls costs about $4/30 minutes. WHAT????? So $15 dollars later, for just 2 hours of precious parking time, we were making our way in to meet with the social worker and a specialist.
We left Van. just before 11 and Jonathan went straight to work. Kids are in bed, jostling around like orangutans while I sit trying to jam everything in my head and make a semblance of peace with all the new information. I HATE these appointments. I hate driving downtown, I hate the screaming kids in the background while I am trying to meet with a doctor, or seeing the annoyed glares from people around me. I hate having to go live through this all when it hasn't even happened yet. I hate the cold uncomfortable room where I can't even sleep by my husband and how much money it is just to park, eat, and pay for gas/hotel. If I say "I don't want to do this" enough times, maybe it will come true? Right? The cafeteria at st. pauls was terrible, worst one I have seen yet, and the most expensive. Two little plates (and I mean little, few pieces of bacon for me and 1 tiny hashbrown, horrible horrible coffee and jonathan got oatmeal) was $20!!!!!! Financially this is a gong show, and when I think of all the procedures, in this city I can't stand, I just feel like running away.
SIGH.
I guess I have gone through this enough to know that this is my process after each appt. I come back, I adjust, I process, I freak out, it takes me a week to take it all in. But then it all settles down and I go back to reality. So heres my reality. I have 2 1/2 weeks. 2 1/2 weeks to decorate for Christmas, buy a car seat and figure out where baby is going to go, pack my hospital bag, and enough stuff for a month and a half, do what I want to do for school with the kids, get my house organized, etc. In these few weeks I will have numerous doctors appointments in Kamloops, IV iron infusions possibly as many as one per week to get my iron up (nothing else is working) and checks on my BP/bloodwork. IF I make it that time without pre-eclampsia getting too bad, I go back for another round of appointments. MRI, u/s, interventional radiology (balloons in my uterine arteries), anaesthesiologiest, etc. At this point, if BP is still high, I won't be coming home. They will want me closer to Vancouver so they can keep an eye on my condition. I have no idea what we will do about that. If Jonathan can get off work and stay home with the kids, then I am by myself. With Malakai my BP got so bad so fast he didn't even make it in time for the induction. He wouldn't be there with me. I would be driving back and forth by myself in Vancouver. And it makes the time I am away from the kids from 2 weeks to more like 5.
I WANT to come to peace with this. I don't want the fear, the dread, the dilemma of this situation to consume me. But as the clock is ticking by, I don't know how to even do that. "Dont stress" about all I have to do in the next few days is easy to say, but it has to be done, and I have to do it. So its also a completely irrational thing to expect. I will stress. "Don't overthink it" seems ridiculous to me, because if I don't think and plan now for child care, our options, booking Jonathan off work, etc. Then we will be screwed. Time is short, thinking and planning must take place. I want to accept that the baby will be in NICU, that I won't be able to sleep by her, that there is no possible way I will be able to nurse her around the clock once they discharge me and I can't make it back and forth from hotels to the hospital every couple of hours. But the idea of going through the whole situation with Malakai again, worse, and for longer... is so overwhelming to me. It was without a doubt the worst 2 weeks of my life. And having to just "give in", go "visit" my baby instead of taking care of her every need makes me want to scream. It isn't supposed to be this way. And if it has to be this way, let me stay with my baby!!!!! Deep breaths.
I know, I know, the Sunday school response is burning on your lips "God is in control". And I know that. But when everything is so out of my control, I feel like I can't plan for anything. Needless to say, I am going to have to assume the worst, that I have 2 1/2 weeks to get everything done. That means I need to figure out what we need for baby, find a bassinet or co-sleeper and car seat, get organized. And pray that God gives me peace. I think hoping for a miracle at this point will be the death of me, better I just accept and come to terms with the morbid reality of this situation and then I can be pleasantly surprised by twists and turns in the road.
If you are praying for us, please pray that we can get everything done. That Jonathan can get off work and be with the kids, that God helps us financially (may our van get EXTRA good mileage :), that both Jonathan and I can come to terms with everything that is happening and feel peace, I need some peace. That the IV iron infusion isn't horrible (usually takes about 8 tries to get an IV in me with much bleeding and bruising and pain) and my iron is up so I am in the best shape possible for this procedure, and that baby will be extra strong and big and ready so that we can both be released at the same time. Oh, and NO vertical incision. We are really praying that the one cut is enough just considering how long it took my other incision to heal. I may never wear another pair of button/zip pants again people... ;) Thanks for reading my long vent session, your prayers are coveted and appreciated.
28 weeks
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
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| At Mission Creek Park with the Kids this weekend |
We have been so encouraged with my BP lately. After my last appointment we were sure pre-eclampsia was on its way, but it has gone down and held steady this last week and we are hopeful that it was just a fluke week related to hormones or something causing the rise. Otherwise I feel fine. Tired, exhausted even, but fine. We are mentally preparing for our appointment on Monday down in Vancouver and now it looks like we will have to stay until Tuesday to fit in an appointment on Tuesday morning. As always, my list of questions is growing and we are looking forward to seeing the ultrasound again to find out of the placenta is holding its position or growing through the wall. I will post again next week once we know a bit more. Surgeries are being booked, our team of medical professionals is coming together, and apparently we are the talk of St. Paul's right now as everyone discusses my case and makes a plan for the surgery. It feels a little weird to be such a rarity and all I can do is hope and pray that despite the lack of information, knowledge, and experience in these cases... God knows my body and he is in control.
Deep breaths. A cup of coffee. And then try not to think about it too much. This is my coping mechanism at this point.
The kids asked me the other day when the baby would be coming, it felt so weird to tell them "in about 45 sleeps". Praying that everything goes smoothly and baby is out of NICU as SOON as possible. I can't imagine driving back and forth to see her every few hours. With Malakai they booted me out after a week and I was in so much pain still. Trying to drive back and forth, the exhaustion. I was SO determined to nurse him every three hours first and then let them tube feed him. I wanted him to master nursing as soon as possible so that we could go. I can't forget the depression, the exhaustion. Trying to do that in Vancouver, possibly by myself if Jonathan has to come back for kids. AHHHH!
So for this morning, I plan appointments, I book hotels, I try to clean my house and fit in a day of school. And I try to rest in the peace that God will work out all the details I can't plan for. That he has a plan and a purpose for me and for our family.
Happy 4-day week my friends!
Placenta Increta: 27 weeks
Monday, October 7, 2013
I sit here on the weekend, pre-writing for the week to come. My amazing husband just found me an ancient mac lapbook. Cheap, slow, and perfect. Why did he buy me said gift? Well partly because he felt guilty and as a consolation prize to being alone for two weeks (he was in Chilliwack on course the last two weeks) and partly for my impending hospital stay. I told him I need a laptop during my stay at the hospital else I might go insane from boredom! At least if I am admitted early at all. $300 later and we are official macBook owners.
This past week has been a GONG show! With no husband around, every little thing seems that much more difficult. I sometimes lull myself into the false belief that I do most of the parenting around here, housework, cooking. And yet when Jonathan goes away that belief is smashed with harsh reality. Even on days he is working, having my best friend and team-mate here makes my life infinitely easier. An hour here he takes the kids outside, or plays with them, or turns on a show, or makes a meal, etc. etc. Being completely alone SUCKS. No help, no breaks, no one to talk to at night. BLAH. I'm a big believer in no more courses ;)
I had a doctors appointment last week with a new OB in Kamloops. Just IN CASE I don't make it to Vancouver. Of course, there wasn't really anything new. We went over my most recent bloodwork and discovered I am highly anemic, yay. Might explain the whole "vampire" look I've been carrying around lately. So I am on a new regimen on iron pills, 3 times a day, trying to boost my hemoglobin and pheratin levels before the surgery. We also found out that my blood pressure is starting to rise. At this appointment it was 118/82 which compared with my normal of 90-100/50-60 is quite high. Of course, nothing to do about it now but wait and see what happens. But we are starting to mentally prepare for the worst that pre-eclampsia might be in the cards for me again this pregnancy. We are really looking forward to this appointment on Oct. 21st in Vancouver again. It should give us a clear indication if the increta has worsened, if I am indeed getting pre-eclampsia and what that means for us. Last time they tried to put me on bed rest, this time I think I would laugh. You want me on bed rest, you're going to have to admit me people... I have 4 kids! Plus, I actually don't believe in it. We tried last time and it did nothing. I find that being up and about actually lowers my pressures so I think I might just smile and nod and do what I have to do to get through these next few months. Already less than 2 months until this little one makes her first appearance. Possibly sooner now. It seems crazy, and I have so much to prepare in the meantime.
The only bit of good news that we received at this appointment was that if I am released and baby is stable, just "cooking" in the NICU, we could transfer her up to Kamloops. This is such a relief to me, just being closer. Jonathan could stay home with the kids like last time and I could stay in a hotel and go see her all day long, but we are at least a little closer to home base. The whole parking/driving situation in Vancouver is daunting, especially after our near tow.
Anyways, I am off to do my school reporting for the week. Hope everyone has a good week and keep checking back for more "boring medical details" about my parasite placenta as it eats away my organs ;)
This past week has been a GONG show! With no husband around, every little thing seems that much more difficult. I sometimes lull myself into the false belief that I do most of the parenting around here, housework, cooking. And yet when Jonathan goes away that belief is smashed with harsh reality. Even on days he is working, having my best friend and team-mate here makes my life infinitely easier. An hour here he takes the kids outside, or plays with them, or turns on a show, or makes a meal, etc. etc. Being completely alone SUCKS. No help, no breaks, no one to talk to at night. BLAH. I'm a big believer in no more courses ;)
I had a doctors appointment last week with a new OB in Kamloops. Just IN CASE I don't make it to Vancouver. Of course, there wasn't really anything new. We went over my most recent bloodwork and discovered I am highly anemic, yay. Might explain the whole "vampire" look I've been carrying around lately. So I am on a new regimen on iron pills, 3 times a day, trying to boost my hemoglobin and pheratin levels before the surgery. We also found out that my blood pressure is starting to rise. At this appointment it was 118/82 which compared with my normal of 90-100/50-60 is quite high. Of course, nothing to do about it now but wait and see what happens. But we are starting to mentally prepare for the worst that pre-eclampsia might be in the cards for me again this pregnancy. We are really looking forward to this appointment on Oct. 21st in Vancouver again. It should give us a clear indication if the increta has worsened, if I am indeed getting pre-eclampsia and what that means for us. Last time they tried to put me on bed rest, this time I think I would laugh. You want me on bed rest, you're going to have to admit me people... I have 4 kids! Plus, I actually don't believe in it. We tried last time and it did nothing. I find that being up and about actually lowers my pressures so I think I might just smile and nod and do what I have to do to get through these next few months. Already less than 2 months until this little one makes her first appearance. Possibly sooner now. It seems crazy, and I have so much to prepare in the meantime.
The only bit of good news that we received at this appointment was that if I am released and baby is stable, just "cooking" in the NICU, we could transfer her up to Kamloops. This is such a relief to me, just being closer. Jonathan could stay home with the kids like last time and I could stay in a hotel and go see her all day long, but we are at least a little closer to home base. The whole parking/driving situation in Vancouver is daunting, especially after our near tow.
Anyways, I am off to do my school reporting for the week. Hope everyone has a good week and keep checking back for more "boring medical details" about my parasite placenta as it eats away my organs ;)
Placenta Increta: 26 weeks
Monday, September 30, 2013
Im a little bit in awe of the fact that I am 26 weeks. Once I enter my third trimester (next week) everything kind of clicks for me. I feel very pregnant, I feel the baby much stronger and more persistent, I look pregnant, the baby is viable and everything kind of settles in to reality.
Life is BUSY. I am pretty much not involved in anything other than AWANA with the kids and yet somehow I barely seem to hold everything together. This week every day has a plan. I don't mind having one or two things in the week to look forward to, but every day is daunting and downright overwhelming. I need a pajama day!
There's nothing much to report on the pregnancy. Everything is going well. Pre-eclampsia wouldn't show up for another three weeks or so, last check baby was in the 50th percentile so is growing well. We are busy canning and drying and preserving fruit to get us through the dreary months of winter, keeping up with school, and fitting in doctor's appointments/activities. I am looking forward to this all being over. To being home, recovering in my little room with my new baby. Having Christmas together as a family. Right now the next few months fill me with dread and trepidation. It is easier to just take each day as it comes and try not to think about D-Day (take that how you will.... Due Day, Doomsday, pretty much the same thing over here ;) on Dec. 2nd. I keep reminding myself that I don't have the strength for the surgeries and procedures now because I don't need them. God is faithful to get me through my various hellish ordeals in life, and He will get me through this one too. And so I am focused instead on my kids, school, and getting as organized as I can.
My next appointment is in a few days so I will update everyone next week if there is anything new to report.
Life is BUSY. I am pretty much not involved in anything other than AWANA with the kids and yet somehow I barely seem to hold everything together. This week every day has a plan. I don't mind having one or two things in the week to look forward to, but every day is daunting and downright overwhelming. I need a pajama day!
There's nothing much to report on the pregnancy. Everything is going well. Pre-eclampsia wouldn't show up for another three weeks or so, last check baby was in the 50th percentile so is growing well. We are busy canning and drying and preserving fruit to get us through the dreary months of winter, keeping up with school, and fitting in doctor's appointments/activities. I am looking forward to this all being over. To being home, recovering in my little room with my new baby. Having Christmas together as a family. Right now the next few months fill me with dread and trepidation. It is easier to just take each day as it comes and try not to think about D-Day (take that how you will.... Due Day, Doomsday, pretty much the same thing over here ;) on Dec. 2nd. I keep reminding myself that I don't have the strength for the surgeries and procedures now because I don't need them. God is faithful to get me through my various hellish ordeals in life, and He will get me through this one too. And so I am focused instead on my kids, school, and getting as organized as I can.
My next appointment is in a few days so I will update everyone next week if there is anything new to report.
25 weeks Increta
Sunday, September 22, 2013
So as most of you are aware, I had an appointment down in Vancouver last week. The news was not really news. They were checking to see if the notching had disappeared, which it has not. This means that I am at a high risk of pre-ecmlampsia and IUGR (intrauterine Growth Restriction) and baby will need an U/S every 3-4 weeks to check growth as well as regular BP checks for myself. Nothing really new there. The increta is definitely still there and I don't know if it has gotten worse or not, but this time the tech was a lot more forthcoming with us about the situation. My placenta has grown into my uterine wall so far that only 3 mm remains. I am not sure if they are comparing these measurements each time, but I will be keeping track myself and asking how much remains so that I can gauge how quickly it is growing through. The doctor is not overly concerned about it attaching to my bowels even if it does grow through because your bowels are always moving and it is harder for the placenta to attach to them. This doesn't give me the greatest confidence, simply because what "shouldn't" go wrong, with me means "will" go wrong. But I am praying and hoping for the best. My BP has been higher, they are not concerned, again nothing new. However my lower (diastolic) is usually around 50 and is consistently up at 70 so I am starting to get suspicious that we might get pre-eclampsia as well.
So, where we are at is: C-section has been booked for December 2nd along with a scheduled hysterectomy. They will evaluate if there is any chance of saving my uterus during the surgery based on how much blood I am losing and if the placenta will detach, but she said it is a 95% chance based on what they are seeing that this will not happen. I signed the consent forms already at my appointment (AHHHH!). If there are any other complications (IUGR, pre-eclampsia, placenta growing through, etc) we will bump up the surgery by a few weeks, putting me in the middle of November. I am mentally preparing for this eventuality, which gives me just under 2 months until we meet this little girl. I will be admitted a few days before the surgery for steroid shots for the little one, to have surgery where they insert balloons into my uterine arteries and insert an arterial line to monitor my BP and take blood. If I have preeclampsia my admission date will be bumped up as well for observation.
Where we are at with all of this:
The night before we were supposed to leave, we were spending the night at Matthew and Sonia's so that they could watch our kids first thing in the morning. The kids got sick. The flu. It was so bad. We took Selah and Aliyah with us trying to alleviate the sick ones but both the boys got it as well. We felt so bad. I got it on the way, it was horrible. I felt so sick the whole way, was exhausted and nauseous and achy and weak and trying to just make it through the stupid appointments. We came back to the van after our appointment downtown to see the van being towed away! Jonathan stopped him just as he was pulling away and $90 later we were able to leave. So much for saving money on a hotel, we just paid them all in parking fees instead! It was a disappointing, overwhelming, frustrating day. We felt so bad for exposing Matthew and Sonia to the stomach flu of all things, and it is a long-drawn out sickness to boot. We are still recovering, and Aliyah just got it yesterday.
It seems to be the same as last time with my emotional capacity to deal with this. I come home in a funk. Last time I was able to get myself out of it and was starting to think that maybe I could save my uterus and now that all hope is coming crashing down... the funk remains. I don't want to talk on the phone, I really really don't want to see anyone, I have no motivation to do school, and feel like if it weren't for the kids needing me, I'd be locking myself in my room all day long. We have bloodwork and a follow up in Kamloops next week and then in a few weeks after that, we're back in Vancouver. The road has been set, now we just see how bad it gets along the way. Your prayers are much appreciated, but your phone calls may be declined for the next little while as I adjust to our new reality and settle in. Thanks everyone!
So, where we are at is: C-section has been booked for December 2nd along with a scheduled hysterectomy. They will evaluate if there is any chance of saving my uterus during the surgery based on how much blood I am losing and if the placenta will detach, but she said it is a 95% chance based on what they are seeing that this will not happen. I signed the consent forms already at my appointment (AHHHH!). If there are any other complications (IUGR, pre-eclampsia, placenta growing through, etc) we will bump up the surgery by a few weeks, putting me in the middle of November. I am mentally preparing for this eventuality, which gives me just under 2 months until we meet this little girl. I will be admitted a few days before the surgery for steroid shots for the little one, to have surgery where they insert balloons into my uterine arteries and insert an arterial line to monitor my BP and take blood. If I have preeclampsia my admission date will be bumped up as well for observation.
Where we are at with all of this:
The night before we were supposed to leave, we were spending the night at Matthew and Sonia's so that they could watch our kids first thing in the morning. The kids got sick. The flu. It was so bad. We took Selah and Aliyah with us trying to alleviate the sick ones but both the boys got it as well. We felt so bad. I got it on the way, it was horrible. I felt so sick the whole way, was exhausted and nauseous and achy and weak and trying to just make it through the stupid appointments. We came back to the van after our appointment downtown to see the van being towed away! Jonathan stopped him just as he was pulling away and $90 later we were able to leave. So much for saving money on a hotel, we just paid them all in parking fees instead! It was a disappointing, overwhelming, frustrating day. We felt so bad for exposing Matthew and Sonia to the stomach flu of all things, and it is a long-drawn out sickness to boot. We are still recovering, and Aliyah just got it yesterday.
It seems to be the same as last time with my emotional capacity to deal with this. I come home in a funk. Last time I was able to get myself out of it and was starting to think that maybe I could save my uterus and now that all hope is coming crashing down... the funk remains. I don't want to talk on the phone, I really really don't want to see anyone, I have no motivation to do school, and feel like if it weren't for the kids needing me, I'd be locking myself in my room all day long. We have bloodwork and a follow up in Kamloops next week and then in a few weeks after that, we're back in Vancouver. The road has been set, now we just see how bad it gets along the way. Your prayers are much appreciated, but your phone calls may be declined for the next little while as I adjust to our new reality and settle in. Thanks everyone!
Life at 23 weeks
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I wasn't going to post until after my appointments this week, but with coffee in hand, kids playing quietly downstairs, and a freshly immunized girl of misery sleeping off her fever in her crib... I felt compelled to write this morning.
I turned on the heat this morning. *GASP! My husband would be mortified, but it was so chilly in here, my feet were cold, a sweater wasn't cutting it, and so our little furnace got a rude awakening after so long in disuse. Aliyah had her shots yesterday, they were definitely the worst ones yet, 3. I couldn't bear to give her chicken pox. Four is just too many. Then I came home and started researching immunizations and started panicking that my daughter was going to get autism or febrile seizures or encephalitis. At first, with family who have had adverse reactions to immunizations, I was completely against them. But Jonathan was on the other end of the spectrum and so we decided to give our kids most of their shots. His reasoning is that he is in contact with so many people, bodily fluids, etc. Our kids are naturally going to be more exposed. I saw the wisdom in that. Over time I have given them more and more and now the only one they haven't had is their varicella (chicken pox). Yesterday I felt like God just asked me to trust him with this.
There are two camps, the immunization camp who feels VERY strongly and judges anyone who does not. And the Anti-immunization who is on the other end of the planet on this matter it seems. I now stand in the middle. I think there is truth to the research linking autism to immunizations. I have been reading these studies and they are legitimate. I also know that some of these diseases kill and it would be devastating to have your child contract one and die and blame yourself the rest of your life. If I had to do it all over again, I honestly might have not immunized. But now that we have walked this path I do feel a peace that if God can protect my children from disease, he can protect them from their immunizations and adverse reactions. He has a plan not only for me, but for my children, and I have to trust him to complete that plan. Needless to say, I have some research and praying to do before number five comes along and I am getting calls from the health clinic again.
Today we pack up for Vancouver. We have been so blessed to have Matthew and Sonia offer to take our kids for the day. We are going to sleep over at their house, leave really early in the morning for our appointments and drive back as soon as they are done. It is going to be a long day, but it will save us money on a hotel and food, and at least the kids won't have to go through all that sitting. I have a TON to do. I still wanted to do a bit of school this morning, my house is somehow yet again destroyed. I have kind of taken a break from routine and schedule this week to get caught up on some sewing projects. And as always when I am not on top of this house like a drill sergeant... it falls to pieces. So really what this post is doing, is allowing me to procrastinate my to-do list for five more minutes ;)
It has been a good week, we have been getting some stuff done that has been looming over my head for a while. Baby is active, although as dainty as can be. I don't remember the other kids being so dainty. She is like a little doll, blooping around inside of me. I know she can kick hard, from the few ceremonial sucker punches I receive, but they are so rare I can count them on one hand. She mostly just moves, maybe we have a little ballerina in there. Graceful, calm, and smooth. I could handle that. We could use a little grace and calm around this house ;)
I am REALLY looking forward to appointment day tomorrow. I have so many questions from last time, I am going to be asking for a referral on as well as to bump up the date of the MRI. I am not looking forward to pushing this wonderfully nice doctor, but I am determined I have to do what is best for not only me, but the baby as well. I am hoping we get some more answers, that the ultrasound gives us a better indication of what is going on. All the uncertainty and reading all the horror stories has my back up against a wall and I feel like I am ready to know where I stand on the "scale of doom". I am also thrilled Jonathan will get to be in these appointments with me. I hate telling him second hand. He can ask questions, hear details I might miss, and just be there to hold my hand.
I will update you all as soon as we know more information, or as soon as we are recovered from our busy week ;) Hope you enjoy your fall day wherever you are. Light a candle, have a coffee, read a book. I am on to my daunting to do list.
I turned on the heat this morning. *GASP! My husband would be mortified, but it was so chilly in here, my feet were cold, a sweater wasn't cutting it, and so our little furnace got a rude awakening after so long in disuse. Aliyah had her shots yesterday, they were definitely the worst ones yet, 3. I couldn't bear to give her chicken pox. Four is just too many. Then I came home and started researching immunizations and started panicking that my daughter was going to get autism or febrile seizures or encephalitis. At first, with family who have had adverse reactions to immunizations, I was completely against them. But Jonathan was on the other end of the spectrum and so we decided to give our kids most of their shots. His reasoning is that he is in contact with so many people, bodily fluids, etc. Our kids are naturally going to be more exposed. I saw the wisdom in that. Over time I have given them more and more and now the only one they haven't had is their varicella (chicken pox). Yesterday I felt like God just asked me to trust him with this.
There are two camps, the immunization camp who feels VERY strongly and judges anyone who does not. And the Anti-immunization who is on the other end of the planet on this matter it seems. I now stand in the middle. I think there is truth to the research linking autism to immunizations. I have been reading these studies and they are legitimate. I also know that some of these diseases kill and it would be devastating to have your child contract one and die and blame yourself the rest of your life. If I had to do it all over again, I honestly might have not immunized. But now that we have walked this path I do feel a peace that if God can protect my children from disease, he can protect them from their immunizations and adverse reactions. He has a plan not only for me, but for my children, and I have to trust him to complete that plan. Needless to say, I have some research and praying to do before number five comes along and I am getting calls from the health clinic again.
Today we pack up for Vancouver. We have been so blessed to have Matthew and Sonia offer to take our kids for the day. We are going to sleep over at their house, leave really early in the morning for our appointments and drive back as soon as they are done. It is going to be a long day, but it will save us money on a hotel and food, and at least the kids won't have to go through all that sitting. I have a TON to do. I still wanted to do a bit of school this morning, my house is somehow yet again destroyed. I have kind of taken a break from routine and schedule this week to get caught up on some sewing projects. And as always when I am not on top of this house like a drill sergeant... it falls to pieces. So really what this post is doing, is allowing me to procrastinate my to-do list for five more minutes ;)
It has been a good week, we have been getting some stuff done that has been looming over my head for a while. Baby is active, although as dainty as can be. I don't remember the other kids being so dainty. She is like a little doll, blooping around inside of me. I know she can kick hard, from the few ceremonial sucker punches I receive, but they are so rare I can count them on one hand. She mostly just moves, maybe we have a little ballerina in there. Graceful, calm, and smooth. I could handle that. We could use a little grace and calm around this house ;)
I am REALLY looking forward to appointment day tomorrow. I have so many questions from last time, I am going to be asking for a referral on as well as to bump up the date of the MRI. I am not looking forward to pushing this wonderfully nice doctor, but I am determined I have to do what is best for not only me, but the baby as well. I am hoping we get some more answers, that the ultrasound gives us a better indication of what is going on. All the uncertainty and reading all the horror stories has my back up against a wall and I feel like I am ready to know where I stand on the "scale of doom". I am also thrilled Jonathan will get to be in these appointments with me. I hate telling him second hand. He can ask questions, hear details I might miss, and just be there to hold my hand.
I will update you all as soon as we know more information, or as soon as we are recovered from our busy week ;) Hope you enjoy your fall day wherever you are. Light a candle, have a coffee, read a book. I am on to my daunting to do list.
Diagnosed with Increta: 22 weeks
Monday, September 2, 2013
I am tired. Bone weary. Probably a combination of this being my fifth baby and the emotional upheaval of it all. I can't seem to sleep enough. My blood pressure is EVERYWHERE. I feel nauseous, I'm blacking out and dizzy every couple of steps, out of breath. As soon as I am up my BP is 130/80 and then when I am resting it is crashing to 80/40. It makes me feel like crap. In my first trimester I found out I am quite low on iron so it is yet another thing I will have to bring up at my next appointment. In the meantime I am beefing up my iron supplements and just trying to move slowly so I don't fall over. I am supposed to start school this week with the kids, I have a few other things planned in as well as their booster shots, and some sewing projects to complete. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Other than school that is. I might be able to manage that, but anything over and above is just simply too much. My home is my sanctuary. My kids are my distraction. I have everything I need here and I just don't want to leave. Growing up with me you would have never guessed I would be such an introvert and homebody, but alas my love and need for people just disappeared somewhere along the way. My life takes up all of my emotional and physical energy, it isn't that I don't miss those "girls nights out" its more that I just don't have the time or energy for them anymore. I would rather spend my few spare moments reading a book, or taking a bath, or heck... GOING TO BED EARLY! ;) One day.
Anyways, baby is healthy for another week. Another week closer to being viable out in this harsh world. In the meantime, I have a house that needs to be cleaned, but I might just call it and go to bed instead ;) Happy first week of school everyone!
Diagnosed with Increta: 21 weeks
Saturday, August 31, 2013
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| 21 weeks pregnant |
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| How could we NOT be addicted, look at these little monkeys! |
But alas, my addiction to babies is being called into an intervention of sorts. With my last two pregnancies I had problems with retained placenta after the birth and difficulty removing it. So this time we decided to go down to Vancouver and get some more detailed tests done. On Monday, August 26th we found out that we have placenta increta as well as notching along one side of my uterine arteries. These are two completely seperate conditions and both dangerous in their own way. Placenta increta was a bit of a shock, I was prepared for accreta, but not expecting to already be hearing such bad news. Placenta accreta is a condition in which the placenta adheres to the uterine lining. In a normal pregnancy, the placenta and uterus are like velcro. They are separate, but stuck together. With accreta, you can imagine that the velcro gets overheated and glues together. The natural barrier between the placenta and uterus is nonexistent. This is what they think I had with the last two pregnancies. This time, I am diagnosed with increta. This is where the placenta grows INto the uterine wall. It can grow in just a small area or large. It can grow deeply or not. It varies greatly in severity and although it can get worse as my pregnancy progresses, it cannot reverse or get better. In my case, a very large portion of my placenta has grown into the wall and they are concerned that it will continue to grow. At this point my placenta is is high and at the back of my uterus. If it continues to grow, it will grow through my wall and begin attaching to my intestines. You can imagine that this would put the "danger level" of my pregnancy much higher. As it stands now, it is more than likely that the only way to save my life will be to remove my uterus as soon as the baby is out. The risk is still there that I could bleed out or haemorrhage while they try to get my uterus out and so they would be using as many interventions as possible in order to minimize the bleeding and keep me stable. Including putting balloons through my arteries in my legs towards my uterus to inflate and cut off the blood while they preform the surgery. It SUCKS.
I am sitting in this appointment by myself, getting texts from Jonathan wondering what is happening (it was an hour of talking and me just trying to grab as much info as I could at the time). My head was REELING. "So, what your saying is... right now it is bad. There is a 5% chance I could die even if it doesn't get worse. You think it is going to get worse. I can't have any more kids. This is my last pregnancy. Oh, and wait... I have ANOTHER condition??!?!?!?!??!?!"
On top of all of this, I have uterine notching. There are two main arteries that supply blood to the uterus. One on either side. When you are pregnant the muscle wall that is around our arteries to constrict them when we are in shock or stressed dissolves. This is to protect the baby and ensure it ALWAYS receives what it needs, no matter what. On one of my arteries there is restricted blood flow, meaning the muscle has not completely dissolved. I have heard of one side being completely restricted and the baby still surviving through the other artery, but it is dangerous for me and the baby and needs to be closely monitored as my pregnancy progresses. The two main things they will watch for is that baby is growing, as it can cause IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction), as well as signs of preeclampsia (high blood pressure in pregnancy) as it is very closely linked to causing this condition. The fact that I have had preeclampsia in the past combined with this notching puts me at high risk of this condition. Which also puts the risk for the surgery and whole procedure, pregnancy in general, that much higher.
There is still TONS of information we need. I will be going back down to Vancouver in three weeks time to have another ultrasound to check in on the notching. I am not sure as it was one of the million questions I thought of AFTER my appointment, but I think it can get better and/or not get worse. In which case it might not cause anything, just be something to watch. But at this point, they want to see it again and see what is happening with it. In another month after that I will go back for an MRI, consults with all the doctors who will be doing my surgery, including the surgery to implant the balloons, the people that will be putting in my spinal and epidural, and the people that will be putting in my central line to take blood/monitor my blood pressure. We have a lot of decisions to make, a lot more tests to do, and a lot of waiting and praying in the meantime. I will definitely be delivering by C-section and most likely quite early in order to ensure I don't go into labor and the condition doesn't get worse.
And so it is that the girl who is afraid of going to the dentist is going to be sliced and diced every which way, have balloons and tubes inserted into her arteries, IV's, epidural and a spinal. Lets just say that I am dreading going through all of this and trying to process a lot right now. Including the risk to my life and what that means (preparing my will, slowing down my life, etc), the fact that this is my last pregnancy (heart wrenching), the risk to this little one and concern for her safety, and the sheer dread of going through all of this. Lets just say I would be thrilled to "bring on the pain" of a natural birth compared to all of this :(
I don't fully understand it. I am an anomoly in the medical community. "You can't get pre-ecmlampsia unless its your first baby or you've had it before..." um, I got it in my third after two healthy babies. "You don't get accreta unless it attaches to the front, your placenta is in the back so you're good" Third times a charm? But at the same time there is a peace that comes from knowing that after this, I don't have to worry or stress or be afraid of all this stuff again. Each pregnancy is so stressful wondering what will happen and worrying about the complications. Hopefully the interventions will be successful and everything doesn't worsen so I can be home for Christmas. That's my goal. Be alive, with a safe and healthy baby, and home for Christmas. And we will be praying every day to that end.
If you want to stay up to date on this condition and our journey through this pregnancy, please feel free to follow our blog. I will try to do an update each week through our appointments and tests.
The Chaos Chorus
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The sun has set not long ago
Now my time to relax and sew
Minky blankets, bibs and bags
I work until midnight nags
Exhausted now I go to sleep
But in three hours I hear a peep
Nursing babies, soothing fears
The night wears on, dawn appears
Children wake up, wanting food
I stumble out of bed, I brood
A shower, ha! Makeup, me?
I’ll simply live in sweats so free!
A messy house that never goes
A pile of never ending clothes
Kids are fighting, TV’s on
“Time to start” I sigh and yawn
School time, the books come out
And like a bunny I hop about
Helping this one, and then the next
Finally, its time to rest
OUTSIDE TIME! I exclaim in glee!
Time for coffee, time to breathe!
At my computer, so still, so calm
I talk with adults, a soothing balm
The day wears on, it keeps me hopping
Never ceasing, never stopping
Dinner hour, the time I dread
Why oh why can’t I go to bed?
7 o clock, bedtime at last
Story time, asleep so fast
These little monkeys I love so dear
They are the reason for my cheer
For although I’m tired and weary
The bags under my eyes are oh so dreary
I would not have it any other way
And so I start another day.
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