I have three kids, three
toddlers. Three clingy, fussy, whiny children that refuse to leave my side for anything. Because of this, leaving the house for anything is always an "experience" resulting in at least one meltdown and a very stressed out mom (no caleb, don't run in front of the car, selah! don't hide on mom in the store, malakai, stop throwing groceries on the floor in protest). How do I cope? I stay home! This brings us to the long discussion regarding church. At this tender stage in our families life, church is not relaxing, there is no fellowship or sermon for us, it is one long gong show from beginning to end. It is exhausting. I don't want to go.
We have started to get more involved in our little congregation, which has brought me to lead worship once a month. Although it seems like a relatively minor commitment, with the kids it is nearly impossible. They won't stay in the back, I have to try to arrange someone to help watch them, or three people... they run up and down the aisles. It is embarrassing and just plain stressful. To be honest, there are times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and protest, "I'm never leaving my house again!" And there are weeks I have skipped church for no reason other than I can't handle the drama of getting everyone ready and out the door just to meltdown and play in the back by ourselves the whole time. There is the side of me that longs for the fellowship and time of refreshing that church used to be. But lets be real, that time is not now. I do know that it is just a stage, but my usual motto of "grin and bear it" sometimes fails to cut it.
This morning I am leading worship with Jonathan. That means I have approx. 1 hour to wake up my kids (daylight savings time means they only got about 9 hours of sleep last night), get them dressed and fed, pack snacks to keep them occupied, gather all my music stuff, get ready, start the car to warm it, get the kids all packed and bundled and ready and get to church to practise. I have no one to watch the kids during practise, which means they will drag their toys all over the sanctuary, to which we will no doubt receive condescending eyebrows from at least one person. I am about to lead a worship service when my heart is just not in that place right now, I am tired people. Last night, someone mentioned to me that I need to perservere as I am not doing this for the people, but for God. My first reaction was "of course" and even scoffing such "sunday school basics". But on the drive home, I realized that I need some of the basics. I am not doing this to please the crowd, I am not doing it to make life easy, I do this for God. This is my offering to Him, and although it does not feel like it, I think the sacrifice makes it sweeter in His eyes. It is not easy, it is not fun, and at times I lose perspective and forget why I do it. So today, I can prepare for the worst, but instead I choose to just lay it in His arms. I honestly don't have the strength to even do it on my own at all. This is my offering, my sweat and stress and the "toddler drama", may God give me the heart of worship I am lacking today....
I think I'll start with a cup of tea!
