Motherhood...

Motherhood... the state of being a mother. One that begins with conception and has no expiry, no end, no retirement. It is quite simple really, you have a child and you are immediately thrust into this world of "being" and without any introduction or nicely planned orientation, you are now a mother. Deal with it.

At first, I found it terrifying. Clabe was placed on my chest in a cold, sanitary hospital and I was told to make sure he ate. They wheeled me immediately to a room full of three other new moms, told my husband he couldn't stay, and left me... alone. I was so tired, so unsure of myself, and had no one there to either comfort me or tell me what to do. I was on my own now, welcome to the club.

But I did it. Each feeding, each diaper change, the constant guessing game of what to do. I just fit into this mold that somehow I knew had always been made for me and I loved every minute of it. Well, I suppose that is quite obvious by our getting prenant again two months after caleb was born. But the point is that this is me. This is what I live for. I may have other dreams and goals and ambitions in my life, but this one tops them all. Walking with Caleb and teaching him the names of different birds and trees and cars. Watching the studious expression on his face as he tries to soak in eerything at once. Listen to him call, "mama, mama, mama... look!" a hundred times a day or be silly just to make me smile. Or Selah, babbling in her crib, practising her words over and over. Or toddling around the house with a look of extreme satisfaction on her face. Or climb up a ladder and somehow make it over the other side while I look on in a mixture of terror and wonder at this little daredevil I have created... and it is during these moments that I know this is it. It is all I ever want in life. It isn't always easy, or even fun, but it is what I was made to do. And so it is that I wake up early ever morning, and go for a walk by myself, and breathe and pray that God will give me the strength, the patience, and the creativity to be the best mom I can this day.