Today, I had a meltdown. Don't you lie to me! I can just picture you starting to put on the passive mask of indifference "oh really, a meltdown? That's too bad!" You know what I'm talking about... that day when all the little things that drive you crazy throughout the days/weeks/months come to a head and you lose it. It may be exploding in frustration, or crying into the porridge, or locking yourself into the school room with your coffee to "breathe". Or, if you were me today, all of the above.
I woke up early, good start! I felt good, not my usual exhausted self. I had coffee, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen. It was 8am when everything started to deteriorate. It's the little things, throwing a load in the laundry and realizing that the dirty clothes have mixed with the clean clothes and laundry is all of a sudden doubled for the day. Then moving on to the school room to discover the kids got in to make you a "special craft" and it is utterly destroyed (as was my sanity at that point). After cleaning that up, I attempted to make an early lunch and all my kitchen cupboards had lost any semblance of the order they had been arranged in just a few weeks past. And I lost it. I vented frustration to the kids for not helping out, then I kicked them outside to finish lunch and cried into the muffin tins (a little extra salty tang in those bran muffins today). Then I took my sacred coffee to the sanctity of my school room and locked myself away, where I tried to understand the total spiral the day had taken. And to be brutally honest, I didn't get very far. But here are some of my many scattered thoughts.
It's just out of my reach: the answer.
That right curriculum that will work for the kids, for me, and fill all the gaps. The routine that will help me manage my home and build healthy habits to be more organized and on top of things. The ability to get up early and wear anything without an elastic waistband. I spend all my time searching for the answer to my problems, trying to find a way OUT of them, to fix them because I feel like if I don't I will crumble under the weight of my failure. But the alternative, letting go, seems just as unattainable to me.
The best I can figure is it has to be somewhere in between. Feeling like I can't operate in a disorganized mess, that's part of who I am. Letting go of that is just not in my make up. I really do think it is key to having a more successful day. However, finding that system, those bins, that bookshelf, that curriculum, to make our home schooling days idyllic... maybe that is not as practical of an expectation. Trying to blend my teaching style with 4 different children's learning styles, with four different levels, with everyone needing my help and only one of me... severely limits what kind of program I can do. It may not be the perfect fit for me or the kids, but it might be the only thing that works in our family until they can do their work more independently. And although getting up and doing my face and hair is a nice goal, I have to give myself grace for those rough nights or those mornings (um, seems to be every morning) when the alarm makes me want to crawl in a cave.
I have to change what I can realistically change in my environment, routine, supplies but also learn how to let go of "perfect".
A true perfectionist can look like a total slob. They are the ones who have the Martha Stewart meal in the oven with their perfectly organized bins and vintage dress and hairstyle one day, but the other 9 days you see them they are a total mess. The reason for this is that if they can't do it PERFECT, they don't do it at all. Anything less is unacceptable. And this is the hardest thing for me to let go of, being willing to do my best in the moment rather than living in extremes.
Well, dear reader, after this highly unpredictable day I can say that I finally do have the answer. I have found that perfect balance, I have written it down in a ten step plan for success that will revolutionize my home and create perfectly balanced children!
1. Wake up: time is not important, the important thing is that you got out of bed this morning! Give yourself a pat on the back and a verbal expression of your overall awesomeness
2. Start thinking about dinner, for TOMORROW: if you start thinking about dinner by 7am today, you are pretty much guaranteed to have an idea of what you want to make by the time 4:00 rolls around tomorrow!
3. Shower: even if you look like a total hag afterwards, the important thing is that you will FEEL like you accomplished something and you are taking an important step forward into your day.
4. Eat a balanced breakfast: what you eat is completely inconsequential, but be sure to drink your daily allotment of caffeine, your kids will thank you!
5. Make it Fun! Dance and sing as often as you can for the kids, then if the day is a total bust and nothing gets accomplished, the kids will still think it was an epic day.
6. Make a very long list of embarrassingly simple tasks: ie. change the baby's diaper, make lunch, turn on the coffee maker, etc. Checking off each item will make you feel accomplished and give you a positive outlook on the day.
7. MUSIC: turn on inspiring and/or fast paced music loudly and often. This will help motivate you or at the least make you think about being motivated in a fond manner. In the very least, the neighbors will think you are doing something productive with all that Katy Perry. "Baby you're a firework!"
8. Blog: writing about your thoughts and dreams, although not actually doing them, is an excellent way to keep them in the forefront of your mind so you can do them another day.
9. Update social media: Take pictures and selfies each time you accomplish something in order to post them to social media sites throughout the day. Each virtual thumbs up you receive will make you feel like a winner and help validate you as a mother, homemaker, and woman. Try not to think about the time you are wasting doing this simple practice, soon it will become a complete habit and you won't even know you are doing it.
10. Lastly, if all else fails... do a ten minute tidy up before hubby gets home from work. Men are notoriously blind to detail and they will think you have had a very productive day. Fake it until you make it right?
Ok, so polite chuckles aside, I do NOT have the answer. Life never lets you get too comfortable and just when you start to think you have it, there's a new dynamic to adjust to. However, I feel like I have some understanding and will be working very hard to be more realistic with my expectations for myself, my home, homeschooling, etc.
Signing out!
Experience God Curriculum Review 1
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Hello again from the land of homeschooling! I have been really enjoying my new mother goose time curriculum, but I thought I would share this week about their add on program, "Experiencing God".
This is a Christian program that can be used either as an add-on to the mother goose time, it has a schedule for how to incorporate this directly with your daily routine. OR you could use this as a complete Sunday school program. It comes with 4 crafts in the bag, enough to do one per sunday school week as well as an interactive Bible story, and activity ideas.
The teacher resource kit for the month is $15 and then the student packs are $5/student. So if you had a sunday school class of 10 children, it would be $50 for 10 student packs and then $15 for your teacher pack. For my homeschool classroom it would be $15 for my kit and then with four kids (NO way my older kids won't want in on this, they are addicted to mother goose time) it would be $35/month.
Let's start with the story. This month it is about Adam and Eve. The story came with 7 bright story picture cards with the reading printed on the backside of the cards. What sets this program apart is that it is so hands on. While you read, you get the kids to do various actions. I have NEVER had my kids (6/7 year olds included) listen so intently to a story. It is amazing what "put your finger to your nose, crawl around like an animal, wave your right hand" etc. does for a kid. Just when they are starting to lose interest, the story throws in an action and BAM! They're glued to the page again waiting for their next clue. It is awesome. I don't know why I haven't thought of this before. I have had such a hard time with bible in the past, just holding the kids attention.
Moving along, we started with the first weeks craft, which was making Herb the Turtle. The littles had so much fun with the craft. Then to top it all off they went outside and got some dirt and then got to plant the seeds it came with to make their own "garden". It was such a cool activity and full of questions to ask the kids and ideas of where you could take the lesson. I was so impressed. It took us about 20 minutes for the story and the craft.
On to the picture portion of the review. My favorite part. Here is a closeup of my teachers guide for the craft:
This is a Christian program that can be used either as an add-on to the mother goose time, it has a schedule for how to incorporate this directly with your daily routine. OR you could use this as a complete Sunday school program. It comes with 4 crafts in the bag, enough to do one per sunday school week as well as an interactive Bible story, and activity ideas.
The teacher resource kit for the month is $15 and then the student packs are $5/student. So if you had a sunday school class of 10 children, it would be $50 for 10 student packs and then $15 for your teacher pack. For my homeschool classroom it would be $15 for my kit and then with four kids (NO way my older kids won't want in on this, they are addicted to mother goose time) it would be $35/month.
Let's start with the story. This month it is about Adam and Eve. The story came with 7 bright story picture cards with the reading printed on the backside of the cards. What sets this program apart is that it is so hands on. While you read, you get the kids to do various actions. I have NEVER had my kids (6/7 year olds included) listen so intently to a story. It is amazing what "put your finger to your nose, crawl around like an animal, wave your right hand" etc. does for a kid. Just when they are starting to lose interest, the story throws in an action and BAM! They're glued to the page again waiting for their next clue. It is awesome. I don't know why I haven't thought of this before. I have had such a hard time with bible in the past, just holding the kids attention.
Moving along, we started with the first weeks craft, which was making Herb the Turtle. The littles had so much fun with the craft. Then to top it all off they went outside and got some dirt and then got to plant the seeds it came with to make their own "garden". It was such a cool activity and full of questions to ask the kids and ideas of where you could take the lesson. I was so impressed. It took us about 20 minutes for the story and the craft.
On to the picture portion of the review. My favorite part. Here is a closeup of my teachers guide for the craft:
Please note that this is only the craft portion of my teacher guide, in the lesson portion there are a ton of activities and questions that I could do with the kids as well.
And just so you can see our botched attempt (we did it upside down ;)
Both the littles were so into this craft. They were so excited. They got to paint! I never bring out the paint because it is just a mess, but honestly they did so well and had so much fun. And all I had to provide was the glue!
Have I mentioned I love this program? ;)
You can find more information at: http://www.mothergoosetime.com/christian-program/
Have I mentioned I love this program? ;)
You can find more information at: http://www.mothergoosetime.com/christian-program/
Mother Goose Time: Review 1
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Hi everyone, I am so excited to share with you this amazing new curriculum that I (how is this even possible?!?!?!) had never heard of. It is a preschool curriculam, but it is easily comprehensive enough to use for kindergarten if you supplement with writing and math. Consequently, I have dropped all curriculum I was previously doing with Malakai (kindergarten) and am doing this program with both him and Aliyah (and Caleb and Selah are doing it to because it is so fun they don't want to be left out ;)
Mother Goose Time pretty much accomplishes these main goals for me:
Mother Goose Time pretty much accomplishes these main goals for me:
- It is a super fun program! Think songs, dance, activities, crafts, games, posters, centres, etc.
- It is relatively inexpensive (about $60 each theme month pack you purchase- including all your teacher supplies, CD's, planning books, as well as the daily bagged activities for your child)
- It is so so so easy to teach (think teacher planner books with everything laid out, and student bags for each day that you just open up and go)
- It has the possibility to be a NO PREP PROGRAM! Somewhere a heavenly chorus is singing "Hallelujah!"
So enough of the writing… if you're anything like me, you want to see some examples!
To start with, this is what I got in the mail:
What a cute box! See that welcome kit on top? That comes for free for first time subscribers, it includes your teacher guide, your CD's your student scrapbook (two pages they fill from each month's theme, great for reporting!) how to use the program, etc. It also contains different centre posters if you want to set up centres in your schoolroom, colour birds, a calendar with daily cutouts, EVERYTHING you need to set up a bulletin board, a poster to put up, a map of the world. Etc. Heres a close up of some of what is in the teachers kit
Then I moved down and found my curriculum! It goes down in order, so I put it all back afterwards to save the mess and will just pull them out one by one each day. Here is a sneak peak at what the weekly bags look like:
The month of November's theme is rainforest. It talks about different animals, different colours, etc. To be honest, I don't know yet because we have only done one day, but I can't wait to get further into this box. Malakai (5) and Aliyah (2), who are usually playing while I talk, were GLUED to this! They LOVED the songs, loved doing the craft, were so excited to open the bag up. The older kids were so disappointed they didn't get to do more. The best part is, you could do as much or as little as you wanted with this program. The lesson plan tells you what you can do all day long. Including when to take breaks for snack and lunch. You could follow it to a T. Go out on nature walks and build your building centre with sticks, do a craft, play a game, etc. Its all there laid out for you in the teachers lesson book.
This program would be AMAZING for daycares, preschools, homeschool families, etc. It keeps the kids highly entertained and you don't have to stress about having everything you need and preparing for your lesson. Just open up your bag and you have everything you need except the scissors and glue.
Here is Malakai's craft from the bag of day one, they made a collage. It came with confetti, glitter, paper, animals to cut out, tissue paper, and they went wild.
What else can I say? Except, go to the website! Check out the different monthly themes, the extras that are available! You can find them at www.mothergoosetime.com
I will be posting weekly pictures and reviews of what the kids think of it as well as myself. Stay tuned and let me know if you have any questions!
Caleb the Keener
Monday, October 6, 2014
Today Caleb exclaimed from the living room "mom! Seagulls are mating!" I ran over to see what he was talking about, mildly concerned, only to see seagulls flying over the beach down the road.
I asked him how he knew this and he went on to explain that he had watched a documentary about birds, and they were going to lay their eggs now.
Gosh this kid.
When trying to find a fun picture that expressed Caleb, I came across this video. Nothing could describe him better.
He is so smart, so strong, so bold and courageous and mature and responsible. He is the enforcer, always concerned that everyone is doing what they should and no one is being hurt. He tries SO HARD to be funny, but lacks the natural hilarity of Selah and Malakai. But thats him, always trying his best. Caleb the keener, the people pleaser.
Man I love this kid!
I asked him how he knew this and he went on to explain that he had watched a documentary about birds, and they were going to lay their eggs now.
Gosh this kid.
When trying to find a fun picture that expressed Caleb, I came across this video. Nothing could describe him better.
He is so smart, so strong, so bold and courageous and mature and responsible. He is the enforcer, always concerned that everyone is doing what they should and no one is being hurt. He tries SO HARD to be funny, but lacks the natural hilarity of Selah and Malakai. But thats him, always trying his best. Caleb the keener, the people pleaser.
Man I love this kid!
Hidden Treasures
Saturday, October 4, 2014
I think we have established the complete and total racetrack of my days. Because of this general speed of light that I operate at, I find I often miss those little moments. Those hidden treasures that I feel like God has placed throughout my day to give me glimpses of heaven.
Anyone read 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp? If not, stop reading this blog and go out and purchase it ASAP, borrow it from your local library, buy it on your kindle, borrow it from a friend. GET THIS BOOK! It is so well written, so poetic, so beautiful, and it helps to put life into perspective.
She starts seeing the gifts that are in her everyday, the gifts she misses. She starts being thankful for everything. The way the light reflects off the soap bubbles as she does the dishes kind of everything. I need some of that thankfulness and perspective in my life. So today, when I was working at the computer and heard my four year old worshiping at the top of his lungs, I grabbed my phone and snuck in for a close encounter.
What a gift! Especially when he wasn't preforming, he didn't even know I was there. He was just rocking out with Jesus. I was so blessed to see this. Tempted to think "phew, at least I am doing something right" but really, it isn't me. I can't take the credit for this. This moment my four year old is having all on his own, thats God. That's God answering my deepest prayer, to meet with my kids. To be real to them. To show himself to them in a real and tangible way that their faith would truly be THEIRS even at this young age.
So instead I thank God, that even when I fail, even when I miss those moments, he is faithful. Faithful to fill in the many gaps I leave behind.
Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!
Hippie Homeschoolers: WHY?!?!?!?
Friday, October 3, 2014
I was home schooled along with my siblings. In my growing up years there were four of us, really close in age, and we all did school together. I tried school out for half of grade 2, for grade 6, and again in high school. It was nothing special and I hated it. I LOVED being home schooled. My family were my best friends. I built relationships with them that I would never have had otherwise. I was a homebody and I never felt uncomfortable or pressured or awkward at home. I never felt judged or unsure of myself or stupid. I felt SAFE. Every day. I could wear what I wanted to wear without a second thought, I could make mistakes, I could learn what I wanted to learn about, and I got to do it alongside people who loved me. It was one of the great highlights of my childhood. The school part came easy to me, I ended up advancing two grades by the time high school came around. I went to our local high school and graduated when I had just turned 16 years old! I hope you don't think me conceited when I say that we were all very mature for our age. I think a lot of that stemmed from the fact that instead of being put in a fish bowl of only children our own age growing up (which is unnatural when you think about the real world AFTER high school), we learned to communicate and express ourselves and be comfortable around people of all ages.
When Jonathan and I first got married, we talked a lot about homeschooling. He thought public school was fine, I mean he turned out okay! (thats debatable ;) We debated back and forth. But it all changed when he started working more closely with the schools around us. By the time our kids were old enough to really start thinking about school, he was the complete opposite. He has become my strongest supporter, my biggest advocate. On the days when I question if we are doing the right thing or if I can handle this, he keeps me going and reminds me why we do this. He is passionate about our decision to homeschool and does what he can to support the decision (because in the end, it is ME that does it).
Another primary reason we choose to homeschool is to ground our children in their faith. To give them time to form roots, ask questions, experience it for themselves before they go into a school environment where it becomes a religious vacuum. Not just the basics of our faith, but our values. In this day and age, everything is under re-evaluation, including basics like gender. I am all for gender equality, but now we are transitioning to the gender spectrum. There are no more boy and girl, that just creates confusion and stigma. Now there is a spectrum and your child is free to explore where they fit on that spectrum. You don't want to go to the "boys" bathroom? Then go where you feel comfortable! This is approved and being implemented in schools across BC. I want to teach my children MY values, not the governments. I want to instil what I believe, I want them to be confident in who they were created to be, a boy or a girl. Not told that those don't exist. This is one of my primary reasons for homeschooling, our values, our faith, these not only will not be taught in the public school setting but they won't be accepted. Where does that leave my children? Caught in between two opposing worlds?
Now for the disclaimer to calm everyones nerves: I know that most people don't homeschool and I don't want you to think I judge you AT ALL. If you knew how many times I had considered just putting them in for a year, you would know this. Homeschooling is our journey, it is our choice. We do it because we have a list a mile long full of reasons that just haven't changed at this point for us. However, it is HARD. It is a huge sacrifice. I am so jealous of all the mommas out there who take their little ones to school and drop them off! And like I said, I think my kids would love school and will, when the time comes. I don't think we will homeschool forever. I have plenty of teacher friends and I respect what they do and I don't think school is "evil" in any way. However, let me ask you this, do you judge me?
Bedtime Battles
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Who doesn't love a funny story? Especially when pertaining to family life. We can all relate to them, picture ourselves in them, and appreciate them. They make us feel a little bit warmer inside when we look at our own chaos and realize we're not alone, or better yet, not as bad as we thought.
So, dear readers, I am going to give you a big case of the warm fuzzies. You are going to walk away from your computer and face your world with a new sense of accomplishment and purpose. So pour yourself some creamer with a side of coffee and enjoy the ride.
Bedtime has become the most dreaded hour, nay 3 hours, in my day. I used to look forward to bedtime, yearn for it, count down the seconds until that blessed hour. Now I cringe when the clock says 6:30, I don't know if I am ready for this. Maybe I need a glass of wine before I start this war. I mean, come on people, its one against 5! I'm outnumbered, outmanoeuvred and simply put, outLASTED every darned night. By the time they finally submit, I raised the white flag an hour before. I have tried EVERY. LIVING. THING to get them to sleep. Routines, bath times with lavender, sitting outside their doors with the door open, switching beds around. The only thing that has had some semblance of success is the separation policy. Divide and conquer right? Each kid in their own room. The problem is that my house becomes a casualty of war and I can't go into any room in my home where there isn't a sleeping child to disturb. And honestly, my older three kids know better!
It didn't used to be like this. Bedtime used to be fairly simple. I don't know if it is having 3 kids in one room that has tipped the scales (who can sleep with that adorable squealing little girl vying for their attention???) or if it is just blatant disrespect. You might be thinking that 7pm is too early for bedtime, I have even been willing to concede on this point. I let Caleb and Selah stay up until 8 reading quietly in their room. It doesn't stop the complete and total gong show that is happening in the other room and "quietly" is open to interpretation on their behalf.
Aliyah still needs naps, but not every day. The days that she naps, there is NO way she goes to bed before about 10pm. She then keeps up Malakai and Janiah. Malakai just plays off the girls, enjoying every moment of this fun game in the girls room (we moved him from Calebs room in hopes of a better nights sleep, ha!). Janiah wakes up whenever we move one of our separation victims back in at 9 or 10pm and plays for a good hour thus waking up the others all over again.
Am I losing you yet? I think I lost myself a long time ago. We need more rooms in our house! I have a foamie permanently set up in my living room right now, seriously! I just explain to our guests that we are having bedtime battles right now. Yaaaaaa, they get it right????
Sigh, who am I kidding? We need to find something that works and soon! At this point I am ready to move caleb and selah into the laundry room and Janiah in by herself. I am so ready to just lay my kids down to sleep and have them…. wait for it…. OBEY! So ready for the whining all day long to stop because my kids are getting proper rest.
So this morning, think about how your bedtimes are going. I can almost guarantee they are going better than mine. And as you sip that warm, steaming coffee or tea in your hands, may the story of my nightly battles bring you a little smile and a proverbial pat on the back. You got this! I mean, as long as you are doing better than me, you got this ;)
So, dear readers, I am going to give you a big case of the warm fuzzies. You are going to walk away from your computer and face your world with a new sense of accomplishment and purpose. So pour yourself some creamer with a side of coffee and enjoy the ride.
Bedtime has become the most dreaded hour, nay 3 hours, in my day. I used to look forward to bedtime, yearn for it, count down the seconds until that blessed hour. Now I cringe when the clock says 6:30, I don't know if I am ready for this. Maybe I need a glass of wine before I start this war. I mean, come on people, its one against 5! I'm outnumbered, outmanoeuvred and simply put, outLASTED every darned night. By the time they finally submit, I raised the white flag an hour before. I have tried EVERY. LIVING. THING to get them to sleep. Routines, bath times with lavender, sitting outside their doors with the door open, switching beds around. The only thing that has had some semblance of success is the separation policy. Divide and conquer right? Each kid in their own room. The problem is that my house becomes a casualty of war and I can't go into any room in my home where there isn't a sleeping child to disturb. And honestly, my older three kids know better!
It didn't used to be like this. Bedtime used to be fairly simple. I don't know if it is having 3 kids in one room that has tipped the scales (who can sleep with that adorable squealing little girl vying for their attention???) or if it is just blatant disrespect. You might be thinking that 7pm is too early for bedtime, I have even been willing to concede on this point. I let Caleb and Selah stay up until 8 reading quietly in their room. It doesn't stop the complete and total gong show that is happening in the other room and "quietly" is open to interpretation on their behalf.
Aliyah still needs naps, but not every day. The days that she naps, there is NO way she goes to bed before about 10pm. She then keeps up Malakai and Janiah. Malakai just plays off the girls, enjoying every moment of this fun game in the girls room (we moved him from Calebs room in hopes of a better nights sleep, ha!). Janiah wakes up whenever we move one of our separation victims back in at 9 or 10pm and plays for a good hour thus waking up the others all over again.
Am I losing you yet? I think I lost myself a long time ago. We need more rooms in our house! I have a foamie permanently set up in my living room right now, seriously! I just explain to our guests that we are having bedtime battles right now. Yaaaaaa, they get it right????
Sigh, who am I kidding? We need to find something that works and soon! At this point I am ready to move caleb and selah into the laundry room and Janiah in by herself. I am so ready to just lay my kids down to sleep and have them…. wait for it…. OBEY! So ready for the whining all day long to stop because my kids are getting proper rest.
So this morning, think about how your bedtimes are going. I can almost guarantee they are going better than mine. And as you sip that warm, steaming coffee or tea in your hands, may the story of my nightly battles bring you a little smile and a proverbial pat on the back. You got this! I mean, as long as you are doing better than me, you got this ;)
Signing out
Half-eaten Pizza and Water Puddles
Monday, September 29, 2014
There are sippy cups strewn throughout my home, tipped up on one end as they leak their contents onto my floor. Poor Caleb just slipped on one of these said "water puddles" and we got to enjoy a moment of drama from one of my very dramatic children, much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth ensued. How is it that without even having time to absorb Jonathan and my own dramatic inclinations, they genetically just ARE dramatic, all on their own?!?!?!?! I mean, all 5 of them!
Anyhow, I digress. The real focus on this little "rant" is my kitchen. I have had a migraine today, those usually don't come very often but it was a whopper. I was pretty much completely useless, laying around in fits of pain and nausea. Jonathan was a trooper and made a feast for lunch, two of them actually. Revamped pizza (he makes the frozen ones taste homemade) and thai lettuce wraps. Yum. I then had a nice little cat nap after lunch. Hey, wait a minute, I got my Sunday day of rest just a day late! But upon entering my kitchen this late afternoon, the sight that I behold is enough to make me want to pack up the kids and go for a long long drive. Preferably somewhere clean where meals are provided. Any takers?
You may think I am exaggerating, but I am going to lay down my pride and show you a little snapshot of my kitchen chaos at the moment. Brace yourselves:
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I guess now that I see it on this page, it isn't as bad as it is in my mind. But it is now 4:00 pm, I have NO plans for dinner (leftovers anyone?) I have whiny kids who I neglected all day while I recovered and top it all off with a house to clean. Lets not even mention the 8 loads of laundry that are waiting to be dealt with. The migraine is still reverberating in my scalp and I would be perfectly content with taking this broken down body back to the sweet escape of my blankets. But alas, Jonathan is back and work and there is no one to tag team with me. So… what am I sitting around here for?
I guess because when I see the to do list sitting in front of me, it always makes more sense to write about it than to actually do it. Procrastination at its finest people.
Time to kick this butt into gear. ;)
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My Sunday Mistake
Sunday, September 28, 2014
It's Sunday, the day of rest. Ha! My sour sense of humour mocks me with the reminder that with young children, it's really quite the opposite. Instead of staying in our pyjamas, doing school, relaxing all day. We have to wake up early, get everyone ready to go, pack up the van, show up late to church, try to keep everyone from becoming wild monkeys at the sight of other children to romp around with, just to pack them all back in and drive home. In a state of complete desperation everyone is hungry, tired, grumpy from a full week. No, Sunday is more like crazy day. I have tried to impose quiet time, put everyone downstairs, talk about how they need to stay down there. But when you put 4 kids in the same room, aged 2-7… who am I kidding?
The little angel on my shoulder reminds me that I went to church, listened to a nice sermon, I should be spiritually renewed and ready to face another week. But the OTHER me, the more skeptical, pessimistic side, laughs at the high hopes of a peaceful, encouraging Sunday. And reminds me that one day, in about 5-7 years, I can hope to have a relaxing Sunday come our way. Until then, buckle up my bootstraps, stop eating candy for pete's sake, and get going. Life doesn't stop for nothing around here, my biggest mistake was hoping for it.
From a jaded realist…. I truly hope that your Sunday has been more restful than mine. And if you have young children and your hubby is busy today: for heavens sake…. DON'T TRY TO NAP!!!! ;)
The Grand Finale
Friday, June 13, 2014
I have been putting off writing for some time simply because I am unsure of where to begin. It has been 6 1/2 months since our precious little addition was born and that is a lot of ground to cover. I have considered fast forwarding that time to the present and just moving on from here, but I feel like I need to lay to rest the situation you were following. Therefore, I will be reminiscing D-day today. So sit back with a cup of coffee… or maybe just skip ahead to the next post ;)
Jonathan and I left the kids on a Wednesday morning, stopped by RIH for my second steroid shot (OUCH!) and off we went, bound for Vancouver yet again (have I mentioned how thrilled I am that those trips are behind us?!?!?!). We arrived Wednesday night, got settled into our new "home" for the next little while and had a restless night. Thursday was prep day. We had to be at the hospital at 8am to find out where we would be going, to do the preparatory bloodwork, non-stress tests, etc. Once that was done, we had the rest of the day to walk around and managed to get in some pre-black friday deals at staples and old navy. Some retail therapy helped us keep our minds off the next morning and Jonathan had fun pushing me around in the wheelchair. But alas, the next day was soon approaching. So we had dinner before my fasting began, I made "if I die" letters for my kids, anointed with tear drops each one, and we tried to sleep.
It was an early morning, we had to be at the hospital at 7am for surgery, and I needed to use this special pre-surgical scrub. Determined not to look like a total hag, I did my hair all nice and we were ready to go. They brought me by myself to a prep room with about 6 other people in it. Here I waited for a while in my breezy little gown. Shivering as much from nerves as from the cold. Dreading what was to come and wishing Jonathan was there with me. I met my main anaesthesiologist, a student in her last year. She was so kind and understanding and spent a good 20 minutes just getting to know me as she began her preparations. (I had 2 other anaesthesiologists that were in the room BTW, so it wasn't just a student, she just had primary care of me). They started 2 IV's, which took some time, some hot packs, and some coaxing as my veins had shrivelled up in a state of wary protest. Jonathan joined me for the last 10 minutes and then we were separated once again as I was taken to the OR to begin the rest of the preparations. I was taken to a huge OR that was FILLED with equipment. There was at least 12 people in the room from nurses to the paediatrician, to the three anaesthesiologists, to the doctors, to the students, to the interventional radiologists, to the ultrasound technicians, etc. etc. etc. There were lights and carmeras and I was ready for action. Have you ever lain on a table shivering, cold, scared out of your whits, losing all facade of modesty, with cameras aimed on you at EVERY angle (yes, even the most awkward of ones), lights blaring? My arms were held down on each side as someone tried to get in an arterial line. This took about 10 separate attempts. They froze me first but HOLY SMOKES that hurt. Digging, trying, failing, bleeding, pressure pressure pressure, and try again. Meanwhile, down at my lower half, interventional radiology was having the opposite problem with my arteries in my groin. He was trying to insert balloons through my arteries there that would thread into the main arteries on either side of my uterus to cut off blood supply while they worked. Instead of the ten minutes we were advised, this took over an hour. They had to share ultrasound with the vexed anaesthesiologists poking and prodding my arms to try to find the right arteries, as my veins were so big he was putting it in the wrong area. More ultrasounds, x-rays, and jiggling needles later and I was strung like a bow. with tubes in my back (epidural), legs, both my arms, and FINALLY the production could begin.
Jonathan was called in, my stomach was swabbed with iodine, and I waited in total horror while they started cutting. Worst thing EVER. Hoping that the epidural is going to work well. *insert shudder*
Once it was started it wasn't so bad, it only took about 5 minutes until our screaming little peanut was out, and now the real work could begin. As soon as she was out, about 4 of my "attendants" dropped off to deal with her and everyone else got pretty serious. I hate how no one talks to you. I was trying to find out about the baby but they were trying to inflate the balloons, deal with anaesthesia as I was pretty uncomfortable, and try to remove the placenta as gently as they could. Within about two minutes, it was clear something was wrong from the tone of their voices. I was listening intently to what I could make out over the curtain, and it didn't sound good. Sure enough, a small portion of my placenta was attached and would not release. It was turning my entire uterus inside out in its attempt to expel it. I heard "what is happening? What is it doing?!!!!"and then my doctor popped her head over and said "ya, we're going to have to do the hysterectomy Rebecca". and that was that. Jonathan came over to say goodbye, I cried, and then asked them to put me out under GA so I wouldn't have to be awake for the rest. I woke up around noon in recovery, with the interventional radiologist coming to remove the balloons and put pressure, for 20 minutes! on the arteries so they wouldn't bleed.
So now, 6 1/2 months later, people ask me if we are done, and I finally have an answer. We are done. Our little family is complete. We may consider adoption down the road, but for now, we are just adjusting to the chaos that is 5. God has been so good to us. I am so thankful that we found out about this long before she was born so we could prepare ourselves both physically and mentally for what was to come. I am so thankful that I came home 10 days later with my healthy daughter. I feel totally normal and recovered now, though it was a long painful haul. And we are moving on with our life as a family of 7.
Jonathan and I left the kids on a Wednesday morning, stopped by RIH for my second steroid shot (OUCH!) and off we went, bound for Vancouver yet again (have I mentioned how thrilled I am that those trips are behind us?!?!?!). We arrived Wednesday night, got settled into our new "home" for the next little while and had a restless night. Thursday was prep day. We had to be at the hospital at 8am to find out where we would be going, to do the preparatory bloodwork, non-stress tests, etc. Once that was done, we had the rest of the day to walk around and managed to get in some pre-black friday deals at staples and old navy. Some retail therapy helped us keep our minds off the next morning and Jonathan had fun pushing me around in the wheelchair. But alas, the next day was soon approaching. So we had dinner before my fasting began, I made "if I die" letters for my kids, anointed with tear drops each one, and we tried to sleep.
It was an early morning, we had to be at the hospital at 7am for surgery, and I needed to use this special pre-surgical scrub. Determined not to look like a total hag, I did my hair all nice and we were ready to go. They brought me by myself to a prep room with about 6 other people in it. Here I waited for a while in my breezy little gown. Shivering as much from nerves as from the cold. Dreading what was to come and wishing Jonathan was there with me. I met my main anaesthesiologist, a student in her last year. She was so kind and understanding and spent a good 20 minutes just getting to know me as she began her preparations. (I had 2 other anaesthesiologists that were in the room BTW, so it wasn't just a student, she just had primary care of me). They started 2 IV's, which took some time, some hot packs, and some coaxing as my veins had shrivelled up in a state of wary protest. Jonathan joined me for the last 10 minutes and then we were separated once again as I was taken to the OR to begin the rest of the preparations. I was taken to a huge OR that was FILLED with equipment. There was at least 12 people in the room from nurses to the paediatrician, to the three anaesthesiologists, to the doctors, to the students, to the interventional radiologists, to the ultrasound technicians, etc. etc. etc. There were lights and carmeras and I was ready for action. Have you ever lain on a table shivering, cold, scared out of your whits, losing all facade of modesty, with cameras aimed on you at EVERY angle (yes, even the most awkward of ones), lights blaring? My arms were held down on each side as someone tried to get in an arterial line. This took about 10 separate attempts. They froze me first but HOLY SMOKES that hurt. Digging, trying, failing, bleeding, pressure pressure pressure, and try again. Meanwhile, down at my lower half, interventional radiology was having the opposite problem with my arteries in my groin. He was trying to insert balloons through my arteries there that would thread into the main arteries on either side of my uterus to cut off blood supply while they worked. Instead of the ten minutes we were advised, this took over an hour. They had to share ultrasound with the vexed anaesthesiologists poking and prodding my arms to try to find the right arteries, as my veins were so big he was putting it in the wrong area. More ultrasounds, x-rays, and jiggling needles later and I was strung like a bow. with tubes in my back (epidural), legs, both my arms, and FINALLY the production could begin.Jonathan was called in, my stomach was swabbed with iodine, and I waited in total horror while they started cutting. Worst thing EVER. Hoping that the epidural is going to work well. *insert shudder*
Once it was started it wasn't so bad, it only took about 5 minutes until our screaming little peanut was out, and now the real work could begin. As soon as she was out, about 4 of my "attendants" dropped off to deal with her and everyone else got pretty serious. I hate how no one talks to you. I was trying to find out about the baby but they were trying to inflate the balloons, deal with anaesthesia as I was pretty uncomfortable, and try to remove the placenta as gently as they could. Within about two minutes, it was clear something was wrong from the tone of their voices. I was listening intently to what I could make out over the curtain, and it didn't sound good. Sure enough, a small portion of my placenta was attached and would not release. It was turning my entire uterus inside out in its attempt to expel it. I heard "what is happening? What is it doing?!!!!"and then my doctor popped her head over and said "ya, we're going to have to do the hysterectomy Rebecca". and that was that. Jonathan came over to say goodbye, I cried, and then asked them to put me out under GA so I wouldn't have to be awake for the rest. I woke up around noon in recovery, with the interventional radiologist coming to remove the balloons and put pressure, for 20 minutes! on the arteries so they wouldn't bleed.
All in all, I needed no blood which was a miracle in itself. In the end I was just happy to be alive, I had had my doubts. The worst was over, we had a healthy baby, and I couldn't be more thrilled. (fast forward to when the epidural wore off and it was a different tune I was singing ;)
Now I look back on it all with a kind of resigned acceptance. I was, and still am if I admit it, pretty angry that it came to that. I question whether we should have tried to leave it in and see what would have happened. Then I remind myself my uterus was turning inside out, it probably would have been impossible to leave it in, but it doesn't stop the war in my mind. I know that 90 percent of you won't understand. You will look at my brood of 5 kids and think I am crazy for the fact that I am sad about it. But I wanted more, and I can say that once the baby high wore off, I have been pretty devastated by the surgery and I am still working through my "loss". As ridiculous as that may sound.
Im hoping to start writing again, especially in the fall once we are more into a routine. And now that this drama is behind us, it will hopefully resume its simple hilarity of everyday life.
In other related news, I have been asked to head up an accreta awareness blood drive. This condition is so incredibly rare, but because of this, women often die. It is just not caught. Unlike my situation where we were prepared, we had blood there, a stocked OR, balloons in my arteries, etc. etc. A lot of women don't find out until it is too late. I had accreta with Aliyah, and I nearly died because we didn't know about it. I had increta with Janiah and we were prepared. As rare as the condition is, it is becoming more common due to the rising amount of C-sections (your risks increase after c-sections because the placenta adheres more tightly to the scar tissue). So I will be sharing my stories and heading up a blood drive on January 9, 2015 and I am pretty excited to be doing something so near and dear to my heart. So stay tuned for more details.
D Day Approaches
Saturday, November 23, 2013
4 days. 4 days until I say goodbye to my kiddos for who knows how long. Drive the long drive back to the coast, get set up in a hotel, and prepare for surgery. 6 days until I meet my baby. 6 days until I get tubes put into 6 different veins and arteries/locations in my body, a massive incision across my abdomen and my entire uterus removed from my body so that they can take out the baby and attempt to release my placenta. I will be awake for the procedure as long as there is no massive haemorrhaging or complications, in which case I will be put under general anaesthesia. Our little girl will be born at 34 + 3. Nearly 6 weeks early. My heart breaks for her. I am dreading the pain of the surgery, the recovery, the weird sensations and unknowns, being away from my kids, being away from my baby as she recovers in the NICU. This whole situation makes me want to run far away. I do so well in between appointments. You forget, you focus on something else, you try not to think about it. But here it is, right in front of me, and I could just cry myself a river. No bridge. No getting over it ;)
There is still so much to do. I am trying to set up rooms, set up beds. We are trying to have the kids stay here for as long as possible so they are in their own environment, which means having family come up and stay. I want everyone to be comfortable, and as close to routine as they can. This means an overhaul of my house, prepping meal plans so that whoever is watching them doesn't have to worry about anything. We still don't have our room set up for baby either, thats on tomorrow's agenda. Bringing in a dresser, clothes, change pad, etc. etc. etc. The list looms and I am so unmotivated. Then I feel guilty because the poor kids are watching way too much TV while we do all this work around the house and I just want to spend my last few days with them, having fun, making memories. Great, their last memory of me could be me yelling at them to go downstairs so I can clean the kitchen or go play in their rooms. Sigh.
The surgery is scheduled for 8am Friday, November 29th. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 am for prep and pre-surgery (inserting the catheters/balloons, IV's, arterial lines, etc.) I am not sure how much we will be updating everyone that day as it just me and Jonathan. He'll be so busy just dealing with the baby and me. Ill try to get someone to update my Facebook page once we are a bit settled and on the maternity ward. Tonight, I do 10 loads of laundry, then have a long bath. Tomorrow is another day, with another list, and another opportunity to make the best of a day when I am healthy and feeling good. Those days will not be here for much longer. Prayers are much appreciated. For strength for this little one, that she does remarkably well and surprises everyone and comes home EARLY. That she is big and healthy and breathes on her own and doesn't need interventions and IVs. For me, that I have strength to say goodbye to my kids. To get done what I need to get done. For faith, for hope. With my history I doubt, I stress, I worry that everything is going to go wrong and I am going to die on that table. That everything would go smoothly and no "worst case scenarios" happen. And for Jonathan, that he would have the strength to go through this. My c-section with Malakai was so traumatic for him, Aliyah's birth and fearing I would die was hell to put him through. And now he is going to have to leave me, with our daughter, knowing that the hardest part is yet to come and he won't know what is going on. That God would just draw close to him and give him faith and peace.
This will likely be the last update until after D day, so keep a watch on our Facebook pages for more tidbits, or Sonia's or Jessica's. Thanks for reading, for your thoughts and encouragement and prayers.
There is still so much to do. I am trying to set up rooms, set up beds. We are trying to have the kids stay here for as long as possible so they are in their own environment, which means having family come up and stay. I want everyone to be comfortable, and as close to routine as they can. This means an overhaul of my house, prepping meal plans so that whoever is watching them doesn't have to worry about anything. We still don't have our room set up for baby either, thats on tomorrow's agenda. Bringing in a dresser, clothes, change pad, etc. etc. etc. The list looms and I am so unmotivated. Then I feel guilty because the poor kids are watching way too much TV while we do all this work around the house and I just want to spend my last few days with them, having fun, making memories. Great, their last memory of me could be me yelling at them to go downstairs so I can clean the kitchen or go play in their rooms. Sigh.
The surgery is scheduled for 8am Friday, November 29th. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 am for prep and pre-surgery (inserting the catheters/balloons, IV's, arterial lines, etc.) I am not sure how much we will be updating everyone that day as it just me and Jonathan. He'll be so busy just dealing with the baby and me. Ill try to get someone to update my Facebook page once we are a bit settled and on the maternity ward. Tonight, I do 10 loads of laundry, then have a long bath. Tomorrow is another day, with another list, and another opportunity to make the best of a day when I am healthy and feeling good. Those days will not be here for much longer. Prayers are much appreciated. For strength for this little one, that she does remarkably well and surprises everyone and comes home EARLY. That she is big and healthy and breathes on her own and doesn't need interventions and IVs. For me, that I have strength to say goodbye to my kids. To get done what I need to get done. For faith, for hope. With my history I doubt, I stress, I worry that everything is going to go wrong and I am going to die on that table. That everything would go smoothly and no "worst case scenarios" happen. And for Jonathan, that he would have the strength to go through this. My c-section with Malakai was so traumatic for him, Aliyah's birth and fearing I would die was hell to put him through. And now he is going to have to leave me, with our daughter, knowing that the hardest part is yet to come and he won't know what is going on. That God would just draw close to him and give him faith and peace.
This will likely be the last update until after D day, so keep a watch on our Facebook pages for more tidbits, or Sonia's or Jessica's. Thanks for reading, for your thoughts and encouragement and prayers.
31 weeks increta
Thursday, November 7, 2013
This week has been one of my most challenging weeks. Mentally it is all just starting to sink in. This is happening. This is reality. I have three weeks until D-day. I don't feel ready. It feels surreal. We don't have any names, even a list made up. My house is destroyed, my to-do list still sitting on my fridge.
This week I have been sick, I have had horrible carpal tunnel and tennis elbow (in both of my arms), my back is so sore I can hardly move (something due to the way I sleep but no real way around that), constant 10 minute apart braxton hicks contractions that are increasingly painful, etc. I had an appointment on Monday which showed that my BP is doing fantastic. Good news! And I had my IV iron infusion this week. What should have been four hours turned into 8, so it was a long day. I had a reaction to the iron so they had to stop for a while, and give me Benadryl. They gave me a strong dose through my IV line and it was so excruciatingly painful. Within minutes all my veins were red and streaking up my arms and for two hours they were so sore. Then of course I was sleepy and drugged out, but stuck sitting in a chair for 8 hours, trying to sleep, trying to get comfortable. It was a sucky day and all I can say is that I am glad it is over.
Today I feel like I have been hit by a bus, all my muscles are so sore, my arm is bruised all the way up and throbbing, I feel weak and exhausted. The iron infusion still takes about a week to two to be converted into iron stores. So I won't feel any effects from the increase in hemoglobin for a while. In the meantime we are getting ready for our next round of appointments in Vancouver starting next week. We leave Monday for an MRI, anaesthetic consult, interventional radiology consult, ultrasound, and OB appt. My answering machine is filling up with nurses, doctors, hospitals calling to book me in for my surgery on the 29th. As long as all is well next week I will be home for one more week before heading back down for D-day. Pretty much that leaves me with less than two weeks at home. Jonathan and I are debating packing up the kids and running away in our trailer ;) It feels so strange to plan all this out, sign all your forms and consent to cut you open when you don't feel like there is anything wrong with you.
Needless to say, another week down, a few more weeks to go. I am keeping my eyes open for a laptop to take down with me. Something I can blog on, go on the internet, do my school reporting etc. Hopefully I won't be too out of the loop. We'll update everyone after all these appointments next week, we are hoping to be back on Thursday and should have a better idea of what is going on after the MRI. As always, your prayers are coveted as we tackle this home stretch. Caleb is having a really hard time with all of this. With me having surgery, needles, being away for so long. He gets very emotional whenever we talk about it and I am beginning to pray for strength for my kiddos as we enter this transitional time in our lives.
Until next time…
This week I have been sick, I have had horrible carpal tunnel and tennis elbow (in both of my arms), my back is so sore I can hardly move (something due to the way I sleep but no real way around that), constant 10 minute apart braxton hicks contractions that are increasingly painful, etc. I had an appointment on Monday which showed that my BP is doing fantastic. Good news! And I had my IV iron infusion this week. What should have been four hours turned into 8, so it was a long day. I had a reaction to the iron so they had to stop for a while, and give me Benadryl. They gave me a strong dose through my IV line and it was so excruciatingly painful. Within minutes all my veins were red and streaking up my arms and for two hours they were so sore. Then of course I was sleepy and drugged out, but stuck sitting in a chair for 8 hours, trying to sleep, trying to get comfortable. It was a sucky day and all I can say is that I am glad it is over.
Today I feel like I have been hit by a bus, all my muscles are so sore, my arm is bruised all the way up and throbbing, I feel weak and exhausted. The iron infusion still takes about a week to two to be converted into iron stores. So I won't feel any effects from the increase in hemoglobin for a while. In the meantime we are getting ready for our next round of appointments in Vancouver starting next week. We leave Monday for an MRI, anaesthetic consult, interventional radiology consult, ultrasound, and OB appt. My answering machine is filling up with nurses, doctors, hospitals calling to book me in for my surgery on the 29th. As long as all is well next week I will be home for one more week before heading back down for D-day. Pretty much that leaves me with less than two weeks at home. Jonathan and I are debating packing up the kids and running away in our trailer ;) It feels so strange to plan all this out, sign all your forms and consent to cut you open when you don't feel like there is anything wrong with you.
Needless to say, another week down, a few more weeks to go. I am keeping my eyes open for a laptop to take down with me. Something I can blog on, go on the internet, do my school reporting etc. Hopefully I won't be too out of the loop. We'll update everyone after all these appointments next week, we are hoping to be back on Thursday and should have a better idea of what is going on after the MRI. As always, your prayers are coveted as we tackle this home stretch. Caleb is having a really hard time with all of this. With me having surgery, needles, being away for so long. He gets very emotional whenever we talk about it and I am beginning to pray for strength for my kiddos as we enter this transitional time in our lives.
Until next time…
29 weeks
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Here I sit, scarfing a bowl of cheerios after a 7 hour drive from vancouver (2 hours of that spent sitting on a back detour road and 1 stopped at a restaurant to eat, but still, AHHHH). I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. Driving at night was fine with the older kids but Aliyah was a wreck the whole way. No one slept, we got to the hotel and it was about 11 before anyone was sleeping. The next morning we packed up Aliyah (my younger brother Timothy stayed with the older kids) and rushed to the hospital for our ultrasound where we found out basically nothing. No change. I suppose that is good news, it means it is not getting any worse. Baby is healthy and growing like a weed, we even saw her little hair!
We got back to the hotel, Jonathan had an errand to run while I sat crocheting like a madwoman, trying to keep my hands busy and my brain from thinking. Then we packed everyone up and went to the doctors. At this point, my hip was completely out from our first walk to the hospital that morning and I was limping and in excruciating pain. SUPER fun. We found out that most likely the surgery is going to be on Nov. 29th or earlier. Especially due to the fact that it looks like I am getting preeclampsia again. My BP was up significantly at this appt. We talked a lot about what to expect, I begged to be in the hospital for as long as I can to be close to our baby so I can nurse more frequently. To which I was told I will be released once I am stable. Great.
We were up until nearly 2 am that night dealing with Malakai who has a bit of a cold right now. It only flares up at night at which point he starts the most irritating, loud, horrible cough every 5 seconds or so. After an hour both Jonathan and I were so done. He went for a 4 km jog to try to find a gas station with vicks (to no avail) and I sat with him for 20 minutes in a steam shower and gave him his inhaler. Eventually he calmed down enough to sleep and then next morning it was up and at em for our next round of appointments. Kids were done, I was done. We were so tired. Packing up as fast as we could we rushed out of Easter Seal to make our appt. in time. Upon arrival we discovered that parking at st. pauls costs about $4/30 minutes. WHAT????? So $15 dollars later, for just 2 hours of precious parking time, we were making our way in to meet with the social worker and a specialist.
We left Van. just before 11 and Jonathan went straight to work. Kids are in bed, jostling around like orangutans while I sit trying to jam everything in my head and make a semblance of peace with all the new information. I HATE these appointments. I hate driving downtown, I hate the screaming kids in the background while I am trying to meet with a doctor, or seeing the annoyed glares from people around me. I hate having to go live through this all when it hasn't even happened yet. I hate the cold uncomfortable room where I can't even sleep by my husband and how much money it is just to park, eat, and pay for gas/hotel. If I say "I don't want to do this" enough times, maybe it will come true? Right? The cafeteria at st. pauls was terrible, worst one I have seen yet, and the most expensive. Two little plates (and I mean little, few pieces of bacon for me and 1 tiny hashbrown, horrible horrible coffee and jonathan got oatmeal) was $20!!!!!! Financially this is a gong show, and when I think of all the procedures, in this city I can't stand, I just feel like running away.
SIGH.
I guess I have gone through this enough to know that this is my process after each appt. I come back, I adjust, I process, I freak out, it takes me a week to take it all in. But then it all settles down and I go back to reality. So heres my reality. I have 2 1/2 weeks. 2 1/2 weeks to decorate for Christmas, buy a car seat and figure out where baby is going to go, pack my hospital bag, and enough stuff for a month and a half, do what I want to do for school with the kids, get my house organized, etc. In these few weeks I will have numerous doctors appointments in Kamloops, IV iron infusions possibly as many as one per week to get my iron up (nothing else is working) and checks on my BP/bloodwork. IF I make it that time without pre-eclampsia getting too bad, I go back for another round of appointments. MRI, u/s, interventional radiology (balloons in my uterine arteries), anaesthesiologiest, etc. At this point, if BP is still high, I won't be coming home. They will want me closer to Vancouver so they can keep an eye on my condition. I have no idea what we will do about that. If Jonathan can get off work and stay home with the kids, then I am by myself. With Malakai my BP got so bad so fast he didn't even make it in time for the induction. He wouldn't be there with me. I would be driving back and forth by myself in Vancouver. And it makes the time I am away from the kids from 2 weeks to more like 5.
I WANT to come to peace with this. I don't want the fear, the dread, the dilemma of this situation to consume me. But as the clock is ticking by, I don't know how to even do that. "Dont stress" about all I have to do in the next few days is easy to say, but it has to be done, and I have to do it. So its also a completely irrational thing to expect. I will stress. "Don't overthink it" seems ridiculous to me, because if I don't think and plan now for child care, our options, booking Jonathan off work, etc. Then we will be screwed. Time is short, thinking and planning must take place. I want to accept that the baby will be in NICU, that I won't be able to sleep by her, that there is no possible way I will be able to nurse her around the clock once they discharge me and I can't make it back and forth from hotels to the hospital every couple of hours. But the idea of going through the whole situation with Malakai again, worse, and for longer... is so overwhelming to me. It was without a doubt the worst 2 weeks of my life. And having to just "give in", go "visit" my baby instead of taking care of her every need makes me want to scream. It isn't supposed to be this way. And if it has to be this way, let me stay with my baby!!!!! Deep breaths.
I know, I know, the Sunday school response is burning on your lips "God is in control". And I know that. But when everything is so out of my control, I feel like I can't plan for anything. Needless to say, I am going to have to assume the worst, that I have 2 1/2 weeks to get everything done. That means I need to figure out what we need for baby, find a bassinet or co-sleeper and car seat, get organized. And pray that God gives me peace. I think hoping for a miracle at this point will be the death of me, better I just accept and come to terms with the morbid reality of this situation and then I can be pleasantly surprised by twists and turns in the road.
If you are praying for us, please pray that we can get everything done. That Jonathan can get off work and be with the kids, that God helps us financially (may our van get EXTRA good mileage :), that both Jonathan and I can come to terms with everything that is happening and feel peace, I need some peace. That the IV iron infusion isn't horrible (usually takes about 8 tries to get an IV in me with much bleeding and bruising and pain) and my iron is up so I am in the best shape possible for this procedure, and that baby will be extra strong and big and ready so that we can both be released at the same time. Oh, and NO vertical incision. We are really praying that the one cut is enough just considering how long it took my other incision to heal. I may never wear another pair of button/zip pants again people... ;) Thanks for reading my long vent session, your prayers are coveted and appreciated.
We got back to the hotel, Jonathan had an errand to run while I sat crocheting like a madwoman, trying to keep my hands busy and my brain from thinking. Then we packed everyone up and went to the doctors. At this point, my hip was completely out from our first walk to the hospital that morning and I was limping and in excruciating pain. SUPER fun. We found out that most likely the surgery is going to be on Nov. 29th or earlier. Especially due to the fact that it looks like I am getting preeclampsia again. My BP was up significantly at this appt. We talked a lot about what to expect, I begged to be in the hospital for as long as I can to be close to our baby so I can nurse more frequently. To which I was told I will be released once I am stable. Great.
We were up until nearly 2 am that night dealing with Malakai who has a bit of a cold right now. It only flares up at night at which point he starts the most irritating, loud, horrible cough every 5 seconds or so. After an hour both Jonathan and I were so done. He went for a 4 km jog to try to find a gas station with vicks (to no avail) and I sat with him for 20 minutes in a steam shower and gave him his inhaler. Eventually he calmed down enough to sleep and then next morning it was up and at em for our next round of appointments. Kids were done, I was done. We were so tired. Packing up as fast as we could we rushed out of Easter Seal to make our appt. in time. Upon arrival we discovered that parking at st. pauls costs about $4/30 minutes. WHAT????? So $15 dollars later, for just 2 hours of precious parking time, we were making our way in to meet with the social worker and a specialist.
We left Van. just before 11 and Jonathan went straight to work. Kids are in bed, jostling around like orangutans while I sit trying to jam everything in my head and make a semblance of peace with all the new information. I HATE these appointments. I hate driving downtown, I hate the screaming kids in the background while I am trying to meet with a doctor, or seeing the annoyed glares from people around me. I hate having to go live through this all when it hasn't even happened yet. I hate the cold uncomfortable room where I can't even sleep by my husband and how much money it is just to park, eat, and pay for gas/hotel. If I say "I don't want to do this" enough times, maybe it will come true? Right? The cafeteria at st. pauls was terrible, worst one I have seen yet, and the most expensive. Two little plates (and I mean little, few pieces of bacon for me and 1 tiny hashbrown, horrible horrible coffee and jonathan got oatmeal) was $20!!!!!! Financially this is a gong show, and when I think of all the procedures, in this city I can't stand, I just feel like running away.
SIGH.
I guess I have gone through this enough to know that this is my process after each appt. I come back, I adjust, I process, I freak out, it takes me a week to take it all in. But then it all settles down and I go back to reality. So heres my reality. I have 2 1/2 weeks. 2 1/2 weeks to decorate for Christmas, buy a car seat and figure out where baby is going to go, pack my hospital bag, and enough stuff for a month and a half, do what I want to do for school with the kids, get my house organized, etc. In these few weeks I will have numerous doctors appointments in Kamloops, IV iron infusions possibly as many as one per week to get my iron up (nothing else is working) and checks on my BP/bloodwork. IF I make it that time without pre-eclampsia getting too bad, I go back for another round of appointments. MRI, u/s, interventional radiology (balloons in my uterine arteries), anaesthesiologiest, etc. At this point, if BP is still high, I won't be coming home. They will want me closer to Vancouver so they can keep an eye on my condition. I have no idea what we will do about that. If Jonathan can get off work and stay home with the kids, then I am by myself. With Malakai my BP got so bad so fast he didn't even make it in time for the induction. He wouldn't be there with me. I would be driving back and forth by myself in Vancouver. And it makes the time I am away from the kids from 2 weeks to more like 5.
I WANT to come to peace with this. I don't want the fear, the dread, the dilemma of this situation to consume me. But as the clock is ticking by, I don't know how to even do that. "Dont stress" about all I have to do in the next few days is easy to say, but it has to be done, and I have to do it. So its also a completely irrational thing to expect. I will stress. "Don't overthink it" seems ridiculous to me, because if I don't think and plan now for child care, our options, booking Jonathan off work, etc. Then we will be screwed. Time is short, thinking and planning must take place. I want to accept that the baby will be in NICU, that I won't be able to sleep by her, that there is no possible way I will be able to nurse her around the clock once they discharge me and I can't make it back and forth from hotels to the hospital every couple of hours. But the idea of going through the whole situation with Malakai again, worse, and for longer... is so overwhelming to me. It was without a doubt the worst 2 weeks of my life. And having to just "give in", go "visit" my baby instead of taking care of her every need makes me want to scream. It isn't supposed to be this way. And if it has to be this way, let me stay with my baby!!!!! Deep breaths.
I know, I know, the Sunday school response is burning on your lips "God is in control". And I know that. But when everything is so out of my control, I feel like I can't plan for anything. Needless to say, I am going to have to assume the worst, that I have 2 1/2 weeks to get everything done. That means I need to figure out what we need for baby, find a bassinet or co-sleeper and car seat, get organized. And pray that God gives me peace. I think hoping for a miracle at this point will be the death of me, better I just accept and come to terms with the morbid reality of this situation and then I can be pleasantly surprised by twists and turns in the road.
If you are praying for us, please pray that we can get everything done. That Jonathan can get off work and be with the kids, that God helps us financially (may our van get EXTRA good mileage :), that both Jonathan and I can come to terms with everything that is happening and feel peace, I need some peace. That the IV iron infusion isn't horrible (usually takes about 8 tries to get an IV in me with much bleeding and bruising and pain) and my iron is up so I am in the best shape possible for this procedure, and that baby will be extra strong and big and ready so that we can both be released at the same time. Oh, and NO vertical incision. We are really praying that the one cut is enough just considering how long it took my other incision to heal. I may never wear another pair of button/zip pants again people... ;) Thanks for reading my long vent session, your prayers are coveted and appreciated.
28 weeks
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
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| At Mission Creek Park with the Kids this weekend |
We have been so encouraged with my BP lately. After my last appointment we were sure pre-eclampsia was on its way, but it has gone down and held steady this last week and we are hopeful that it was just a fluke week related to hormones or something causing the rise. Otherwise I feel fine. Tired, exhausted even, but fine. We are mentally preparing for our appointment on Monday down in Vancouver and now it looks like we will have to stay until Tuesday to fit in an appointment on Tuesday morning. As always, my list of questions is growing and we are looking forward to seeing the ultrasound again to find out of the placenta is holding its position or growing through the wall. I will post again next week once we know a bit more. Surgeries are being booked, our team of medical professionals is coming together, and apparently we are the talk of St. Paul's right now as everyone discusses my case and makes a plan for the surgery. It feels a little weird to be such a rarity and all I can do is hope and pray that despite the lack of information, knowledge, and experience in these cases... God knows my body and he is in control.
Deep breaths. A cup of coffee. And then try not to think about it too much. This is my coping mechanism at this point.
The kids asked me the other day when the baby would be coming, it felt so weird to tell them "in about 45 sleeps". Praying that everything goes smoothly and baby is out of NICU as SOON as possible. I can't imagine driving back and forth to see her every few hours. With Malakai they booted me out after a week and I was in so much pain still. Trying to drive back and forth, the exhaustion. I was SO determined to nurse him every three hours first and then let them tube feed him. I wanted him to master nursing as soon as possible so that we could go. I can't forget the depression, the exhaustion. Trying to do that in Vancouver, possibly by myself if Jonathan has to come back for kids. AHHHH!
So for this morning, I plan appointments, I book hotels, I try to clean my house and fit in a day of school. And I try to rest in the peace that God will work out all the details I can't plan for. That he has a plan and a purpose for me and for our family.
Happy 4-day week my friends!
Placenta Increta: 27 weeks
Monday, October 7, 2013
I sit here on the weekend, pre-writing for the week to come. My amazing husband just found me an ancient mac lapbook. Cheap, slow, and perfect. Why did he buy me said gift? Well partly because he felt guilty and as a consolation prize to being alone for two weeks (he was in Chilliwack on course the last two weeks) and partly for my impending hospital stay. I told him I need a laptop during my stay at the hospital else I might go insane from boredom! At least if I am admitted early at all. $300 later and we are official macBook owners.
This past week has been a GONG show! With no husband around, every little thing seems that much more difficult. I sometimes lull myself into the false belief that I do most of the parenting around here, housework, cooking. And yet when Jonathan goes away that belief is smashed with harsh reality. Even on days he is working, having my best friend and team-mate here makes my life infinitely easier. An hour here he takes the kids outside, or plays with them, or turns on a show, or makes a meal, etc. etc. Being completely alone SUCKS. No help, no breaks, no one to talk to at night. BLAH. I'm a big believer in no more courses ;)
I had a doctors appointment last week with a new OB in Kamloops. Just IN CASE I don't make it to Vancouver. Of course, there wasn't really anything new. We went over my most recent bloodwork and discovered I am highly anemic, yay. Might explain the whole "vampire" look I've been carrying around lately. So I am on a new regimen on iron pills, 3 times a day, trying to boost my hemoglobin and pheratin levels before the surgery. We also found out that my blood pressure is starting to rise. At this appointment it was 118/82 which compared with my normal of 90-100/50-60 is quite high. Of course, nothing to do about it now but wait and see what happens. But we are starting to mentally prepare for the worst that pre-eclampsia might be in the cards for me again this pregnancy. We are really looking forward to this appointment on Oct. 21st in Vancouver again. It should give us a clear indication if the increta has worsened, if I am indeed getting pre-eclampsia and what that means for us. Last time they tried to put me on bed rest, this time I think I would laugh. You want me on bed rest, you're going to have to admit me people... I have 4 kids! Plus, I actually don't believe in it. We tried last time and it did nothing. I find that being up and about actually lowers my pressures so I think I might just smile and nod and do what I have to do to get through these next few months. Already less than 2 months until this little one makes her first appearance. Possibly sooner now. It seems crazy, and I have so much to prepare in the meantime.
The only bit of good news that we received at this appointment was that if I am released and baby is stable, just "cooking" in the NICU, we could transfer her up to Kamloops. This is such a relief to me, just being closer. Jonathan could stay home with the kids like last time and I could stay in a hotel and go see her all day long, but we are at least a little closer to home base. The whole parking/driving situation in Vancouver is daunting, especially after our near tow.
Anyways, I am off to do my school reporting for the week. Hope everyone has a good week and keep checking back for more "boring medical details" about my parasite placenta as it eats away my organs ;)
This past week has been a GONG show! With no husband around, every little thing seems that much more difficult. I sometimes lull myself into the false belief that I do most of the parenting around here, housework, cooking. And yet when Jonathan goes away that belief is smashed with harsh reality. Even on days he is working, having my best friend and team-mate here makes my life infinitely easier. An hour here he takes the kids outside, or plays with them, or turns on a show, or makes a meal, etc. etc. Being completely alone SUCKS. No help, no breaks, no one to talk to at night. BLAH. I'm a big believer in no more courses ;)
I had a doctors appointment last week with a new OB in Kamloops. Just IN CASE I don't make it to Vancouver. Of course, there wasn't really anything new. We went over my most recent bloodwork and discovered I am highly anemic, yay. Might explain the whole "vampire" look I've been carrying around lately. So I am on a new regimen on iron pills, 3 times a day, trying to boost my hemoglobin and pheratin levels before the surgery. We also found out that my blood pressure is starting to rise. At this appointment it was 118/82 which compared with my normal of 90-100/50-60 is quite high. Of course, nothing to do about it now but wait and see what happens. But we are starting to mentally prepare for the worst that pre-eclampsia might be in the cards for me again this pregnancy. We are really looking forward to this appointment on Oct. 21st in Vancouver again. It should give us a clear indication if the increta has worsened, if I am indeed getting pre-eclampsia and what that means for us. Last time they tried to put me on bed rest, this time I think I would laugh. You want me on bed rest, you're going to have to admit me people... I have 4 kids! Plus, I actually don't believe in it. We tried last time and it did nothing. I find that being up and about actually lowers my pressures so I think I might just smile and nod and do what I have to do to get through these next few months. Already less than 2 months until this little one makes her first appearance. Possibly sooner now. It seems crazy, and I have so much to prepare in the meantime.
The only bit of good news that we received at this appointment was that if I am released and baby is stable, just "cooking" in the NICU, we could transfer her up to Kamloops. This is such a relief to me, just being closer. Jonathan could stay home with the kids like last time and I could stay in a hotel and go see her all day long, but we are at least a little closer to home base. The whole parking/driving situation in Vancouver is daunting, especially after our near tow.
Anyways, I am off to do my school reporting for the week. Hope everyone has a good week and keep checking back for more "boring medical details" about my parasite placenta as it eats away my organs ;)
Placenta Increta: 26 weeks
Monday, September 30, 2013
Im a little bit in awe of the fact that I am 26 weeks. Once I enter my third trimester (next week) everything kind of clicks for me. I feel very pregnant, I feel the baby much stronger and more persistent, I look pregnant, the baby is viable and everything kind of settles in to reality.
Life is BUSY. I am pretty much not involved in anything other than AWANA with the kids and yet somehow I barely seem to hold everything together. This week every day has a plan. I don't mind having one or two things in the week to look forward to, but every day is daunting and downright overwhelming. I need a pajama day!
There's nothing much to report on the pregnancy. Everything is going well. Pre-eclampsia wouldn't show up for another three weeks or so, last check baby was in the 50th percentile so is growing well. We are busy canning and drying and preserving fruit to get us through the dreary months of winter, keeping up with school, and fitting in doctor's appointments/activities. I am looking forward to this all being over. To being home, recovering in my little room with my new baby. Having Christmas together as a family. Right now the next few months fill me with dread and trepidation. It is easier to just take each day as it comes and try not to think about D-Day (take that how you will.... Due Day, Doomsday, pretty much the same thing over here ;) on Dec. 2nd. I keep reminding myself that I don't have the strength for the surgeries and procedures now because I don't need them. God is faithful to get me through my various hellish ordeals in life, and He will get me through this one too. And so I am focused instead on my kids, school, and getting as organized as I can.
My next appointment is in a few days so I will update everyone next week if there is anything new to report.
Life is BUSY. I am pretty much not involved in anything other than AWANA with the kids and yet somehow I barely seem to hold everything together. This week every day has a plan. I don't mind having one or two things in the week to look forward to, but every day is daunting and downright overwhelming. I need a pajama day!
There's nothing much to report on the pregnancy. Everything is going well. Pre-eclampsia wouldn't show up for another three weeks or so, last check baby was in the 50th percentile so is growing well. We are busy canning and drying and preserving fruit to get us through the dreary months of winter, keeping up with school, and fitting in doctor's appointments/activities. I am looking forward to this all being over. To being home, recovering in my little room with my new baby. Having Christmas together as a family. Right now the next few months fill me with dread and trepidation. It is easier to just take each day as it comes and try not to think about D-Day (take that how you will.... Due Day, Doomsday, pretty much the same thing over here ;) on Dec. 2nd. I keep reminding myself that I don't have the strength for the surgeries and procedures now because I don't need them. God is faithful to get me through my various hellish ordeals in life, and He will get me through this one too. And so I am focused instead on my kids, school, and getting as organized as I can.
My next appointment is in a few days so I will update everyone next week if there is anything new to report.
25 weeks Increta
Sunday, September 22, 2013
So as most of you are aware, I had an appointment down in Vancouver last week. The news was not really news. They were checking to see if the notching had disappeared, which it has not. This means that I am at a high risk of pre-ecmlampsia and IUGR (intrauterine Growth Restriction) and baby will need an U/S every 3-4 weeks to check growth as well as regular BP checks for myself. Nothing really new there. The increta is definitely still there and I don't know if it has gotten worse or not, but this time the tech was a lot more forthcoming with us about the situation. My placenta has grown into my uterine wall so far that only 3 mm remains. I am not sure if they are comparing these measurements each time, but I will be keeping track myself and asking how much remains so that I can gauge how quickly it is growing through. The doctor is not overly concerned about it attaching to my bowels even if it does grow through because your bowels are always moving and it is harder for the placenta to attach to them. This doesn't give me the greatest confidence, simply because what "shouldn't" go wrong, with me means "will" go wrong. But I am praying and hoping for the best. My BP has been higher, they are not concerned, again nothing new. However my lower (diastolic) is usually around 50 and is consistently up at 70 so I am starting to get suspicious that we might get pre-eclampsia as well.
So, where we are at is: C-section has been booked for December 2nd along with a scheduled hysterectomy. They will evaluate if there is any chance of saving my uterus during the surgery based on how much blood I am losing and if the placenta will detach, but she said it is a 95% chance based on what they are seeing that this will not happen. I signed the consent forms already at my appointment (AHHHH!). If there are any other complications (IUGR, pre-eclampsia, placenta growing through, etc) we will bump up the surgery by a few weeks, putting me in the middle of November. I am mentally preparing for this eventuality, which gives me just under 2 months until we meet this little girl. I will be admitted a few days before the surgery for steroid shots for the little one, to have surgery where they insert balloons into my uterine arteries and insert an arterial line to monitor my BP and take blood. If I have preeclampsia my admission date will be bumped up as well for observation.
Where we are at with all of this:
The night before we were supposed to leave, we were spending the night at Matthew and Sonia's so that they could watch our kids first thing in the morning. The kids got sick. The flu. It was so bad. We took Selah and Aliyah with us trying to alleviate the sick ones but both the boys got it as well. We felt so bad. I got it on the way, it was horrible. I felt so sick the whole way, was exhausted and nauseous and achy and weak and trying to just make it through the stupid appointments. We came back to the van after our appointment downtown to see the van being towed away! Jonathan stopped him just as he was pulling away and $90 later we were able to leave. So much for saving money on a hotel, we just paid them all in parking fees instead! It was a disappointing, overwhelming, frustrating day. We felt so bad for exposing Matthew and Sonia to the stomach flu of all things, and it is a long-drawn out sickness to boot. We are still recovering, and Aliyah just got it yesterday.
It seems to be the same as last time with my emotional capacity to deal with this. I come home in a funk. Last time I was able to get myself out of it and was starting to think that maybe I could save my uterus and now that all hope is coming crashing down... the funk remains. I don't want to talk on the phone, I really really don't want to see anyone, I have no motivation to do school, and feel like if it weren't for the kids needing me, I'd be locking myself in my room all day long. We have bloodwork and a follow up in Kamloops next week and then in a few weeks after that, we're back in Vancouver. The road has been set, now we just see how bad it gets along the way. Your prayers are much appreciated, but your phone calls may be declined for the next little while as I adjust to our new reality and settle in. Thanks everyone!
So, where we are at is: C-section has been booked for December 2nd along with a scheduled hysterectomy. They will evaluate if there is any chance of saving my uterus during the surgery based on how much blood I am losing and if the placenta will detach, but she said it is a 95% chance based on what they are seeing that this will not happen. I signed the consent forms already at my appointment (AHHHH!). If there are any other complications (IUGR, pre-eclampsia, placenta growing through, etc) we will bump up the surgery by a few weeks, putting me in the middle of November. I am mentally preparing for this eventuality, which gives me just under 2 months until we meet this little girl. I will be admitted a few days before the surgery for steroid shots for the little one, to have surgery where they insert balloons into my uterine arteries and insert an arterial line to monitor my BP and take blood. If I have preeclampsia my admission date will be bumped up as well for observation.
Where we are at with all of this:
The night before we were supposed to leave, we were spending the night at Matthew and Sonia's so that they could watch our kids first thing in the morning. The kids got sick. The flu. It was so bad. We took Selah and Aliyah with us trying to alleviate the sick ones but both the boys got it as well. We felt so bad. I got it on the way, it was horrible. I felt so sick the whole way, was exhausted and nauseous and achy and weak and trying to just make it through the stupid appointments. We came back to the van after our appointment downtown to see the van being towed away! Jonathan stopped him just as he was pulling away and $90 later we were able to leave. So much for saving money on a hotel, we just paid them all in parking fees instead! It was a disappointing, overwhelming, frustrating day. We felt so bad for exposing Matthew and Sonia to the stomach flu of all things, and it is a long-drawn out sickness to boot. We are still recovering, and Aliyah just got it yesterday.
It seems to be the same as last time with my emotional capacity to deal with this. I come home in a funk. Last time I was able to get myself out of it and was starting to think that maybe I could save my uterus and now that all hope is coming crashing down... the funk remains. I don't want to talk on the phone, I really really don't want to see anyone, I have no motivation to do school, and feel like if it weren't for the kids needing me, I'd be locking myself in my room all day long. We have bloodwork and a follow up in Kamloops next week and then in a few weeks after that, we're back in Vancouver. The road has been set, now we just see how bad it gets along the way. Your prayers are much appreciated, but your phone calls may be declined for the next little while as I adjust to our new reality and settle in. Thanks everyone!
Life at 23 weeks
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I wasn't going to post until after my appointments this week, but with coffee in hand, kids playing quietly downstairs, and a freshly immunized girl of misery sleeping off her fever in her crib... I felt compelled to write this morning.
I turned on the heat this morning. *GASP! My husband would be mortified, but it was so chilly in here, my feet were cold, a sweater wasn't cutting it, and so our little furnace got a rude awakening after so long in disuse. Aliyah had her shots yesterday, they were definitely the worst ones yet, 3. I couldn't bear to give her chicken pox. Four is just too many. Then I came home and started researching immunizations and started panicking that my daughter was going to get autism or febrile seizures or encephalitis. At first, with family who have had adverse reactions to immunizations, I was completely against them. But Jonathan was on the other end of the spectrum and so we decided to give our kids most of their shots. His reasoning is that he is in contact with so many people, bodily fluids, etc. Our kids are naturally going to be more exposed. I saw the wisdom in that. Over time I have given them more and more and now the only one they haven't had is their varicella (chicken pox). Yesterday I felt like God just asked me to trust him with this.
There are two camps, the immunization camp who feels VERY strongly and judges anyone who does not. And the Anti-immunization who is on the other end of the planet on this matter it seems. I now stand in the middle. I think there is truth to the research linking autism to immunizations. I have been reading these studies and they are legitimate. I also know that some of these diseases kill and it would be devastating to have your child contract one and die and blame yourself the rest of your life. If I had to do it all over again, I honestly might have not immunized. But now that we have walked this path I do feel a peace that if God can protect my children from disease, he can protect them from their immunizations and adverse reactions. He has a plan not only for me, but for my children, and I have to trust him to complete that plan. Needless to say, I have some research and praying to do before number five comes along and I am getting calls from the health clinic again.
Today we pack up for Vancouver. We have been so blessed to have Matthew and Sonia offer to take our kids for the day. We are going to sleep over at their house, leave really early in the morning for our appointments and drive back as soon as they are done. It is going to be a long day, but it will save us money on a hotel and food, and at least the kids won't have to go through all that sitting. I have a TON to do. I still wanted to do a bit of school this morning, my house is somehow yet again destroyed. I have kind of taken a break from routine and schedule this week to get caught up on some sewing projects. And as always when I am not on top of this house like a drill sergeant... it falls to pieces. So really what this post is doing, is allowing me to procrastinate my to-do list for five more minutes ;)
It has been a good week, we have been getting some stuff done that has been looming over my head for a while. Baby is active, although as dainty as can be. I don't remember the other kids being so dainty. She is like a little doll, blooping around inside of me. I know she can kick hard, from the few ceremonial sucker punches I receive, but they are so rare I can count them on one hand. She mostly just moves, maybe we have a little ballerina in there. Graceful, calm, and smooth. I could handle that. We could use a little grace and calm around this house ;)
I am REALLY looking forward to appointment day tomorrow. I have so many questions from last time, I am going to be asking for a referral on as well as to bump up the date of the MRI. I am not looking forward to pushing this wonderfully nice doctor, but I am determined I have to do what is best for not only me, but the baby as well. I am hoping we get some more answers, that the ultrasound gives us a better indication of what is going on. All the uncertainty and reading all the horror stories has my back up against a wall and I feel like I am ready to know where I stand on the "scale of doom". I am also thrilled Jonathan will get to be in these appointments with me. I hate telling him second hand. He can ask questions, hear details I might miss, and just be there to hold my hand.
I will update you all as soon as we know more information, or as soon as we are recovered from our busy week ;) Hope you enjoy your fall day wherever you are. Light a candle, have a coffee, read a book. I am on to my daunting to do list.
I turned on the heat this morning. *GASP! My husband would be mortified, but it was so chilly in here, my feet were cold, a sweater wasn't cutting it, and so our little furnace got a rude awakening after so long in disuse. Aliyah had her shots yesterday, they were definitely the worst ones yet, 3. I couldn't bear to give her chicken pox. Four is just too many. Then I came home and started researching immunizations and started panicking that my daughter was going to get autism or febrile seizures or encephalitis. At first, with family who have had adverse reactions to immunizations, I was completely against them. But Jonathan was on the other end of the spectrum and so we decided to give our kids most of their shots. His reasoning is that he is in contact with so many people, bodily fluids, etc. Our kids are naturally going to be more exposed. I saw the wisdom in that. Over time I have given them more and more and now the only one they haven't had is their varicella (chicken pox). Yesterday I felt like God just asked me to trust him with this.
There are two camps, the immunization camp who feels VERY strongly and judges anyone who does not. And the Anti-immunization who is on the other end of the planet on this matter it seems. I now stand in the middle. I think there is truth to the research linking autism to immunizations. I have been reading these studies and they are legitimate. I also know that some of these diseases kill and it would be devastating to have your child contract one and die and blame yourself the rest of your life. If I had to do it all over again, I honestly might have not immunized. But now that we have walked this path I do feel a peace that if God can protect my children from disease, he can protect them from their immunizations and adverse reactions. He has a plan not only for me, but for my children, and I have to trust him to complete that plan. Needless to say, I have some research and praying to do before number five comes along and I am getting calls from the health clinic again.
Today we pack up for Vancouver. We have been so blessed to have Matthew and Sonia offer to take our kids for the day. We are going to sleep over at their house, leave really early in the morning for our appointments and drive back as soon as they are done. It is going to be a long day, but it will save us money on a hotel and food, and at least the kids won't have to go through all that sitting. I have a TON to do. I still wanted to do a bit of school this morning, my house is somehow yet again destroyed. I have kind of taken a break from routine and schedule this week to get caught up on some sewing projects. And as always when I am not on top of this house like a drill sergeant... it falls to pieces. So really what this post is doing, is allowing me to procrastinate my to-do list for five more minutes ;)
It has been a good week, we have been getting some stuff done that has been looming over my head for a while. Baby is active, although as dainty as can be. I don't remember the other kids being so dainty. She is like a little doll, blooping around inside of me. I know she can kick hard, from the few ceremonial sucker punches I receive, but they are so rare I can count them on one hand. She mostly just moves, maybe we have a little ballerina in there. Graceful, calm, and smooth. I could handle that. We could use a little grace and calm around this house ;)
I am REALLY looking forward to appointment day tomorrow. I have so many questions from last time, I am going to be asking for a referral on as well as to bump up the date of the MRI. I am not looking forward to pushing this wonderfully nice doctor, but I am determined I have to do what is best for not only me, but the baby as well. I am hoping we get some more answers, that the ultrasound gives us a better indication of what is going on. All the uncertainty and reading all the horror stories has my back up against a wall and I feel like I am ready to know where I stand on the "scale of doom". I am also thrilled Jonathan will get to be in these appointments with me. I hate telling him second hand. He can ask questions, hear details I might miss, and just be there to hold my hand.
I will update you all as soon as we know more information, or as soon as we are recovered from our busy week ;) Hope you enjoy your fall day wherever you are. Light a candle, have a coffee, read a book. I am on to my daunting to do list.
Diagnosed with Increta: 22 weeks
Monday, September 2, 2013
I am tired. Bone weary. Probably a combination of this being my fifth baby and the emotional upheaval of it all. I can't seem to sleep enough. My blood pressure is EVERYWHERE. I feel nauseous, I'm blacking out and dizzy every couple of steps, out of breath. As soon as I am up my BP is 130/80 and then when I am resting it is crashing to 80/40. It makes me feel like crap. In my first trimester I found out I am quite low on iron so it is yet another thing I will have to bring up at my next appointment. In the meantime I am beefing up my iron supplements and just trying to move slowly so I don't fall over. I am supposed to start school this week with the kids, I have a few other things planned in as well as their booster shots, and some sewing projects to complete. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Other than school that is. I might be able to manage that, but anything over and above is just simply too much. My home is my sanctuary. My kids are my distraction. I have everything I need here and I just don't want to leave. Growing up with me you would have never guessed I would be such an introvert and homebody, but alas my love and need for people just disappeared somewhere along the way. My life takes up all of my emotional and physical energy, it isn't that I don't miss those "girls nights out" its more that I just don't have the time or energy for them anymore. I would rather spend my few spare moments reading a book, or taking a bath, or heck... GOING TO BED EARLY! ;) One day.
Anyways, baby is healthy for another week. Another week closer to being viable out in this harsh world. In the meantime, I have a house that needs to be cleaned, but I might just call it and go to bed instead ;) Happy first week of school everyone!
Diagnosed with Increta: 21 weeks
Saturday, August 31, 2013
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| 21 weeks pregnant |
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| How could we NOT be addicted, look at these little monkeys! |
But alas, my addiction to babies is being called into an intervention of sorts. With my last two pregnancies I had problems with retained placenta after the birth and difficulty removing it. So this time we decided to go down to Vancouver and get some more detailed tests done. On Monday, August 26th we found out that we have placenta increta as well as notching along one side of my uterine arteries. These are two completely seperate conditions and both dangerous in their own way. Placenta increta was a bit of a shock, I was prepared for accreta, but not expecting to already be hearing such bad news. Placenta accreta is a condition in which the placenta adheres to the uterine lining. In a normal pregnancy, the placenta and uterus are like velcro. They are separate, but stuck together. With accreta, you can imagine that the velcro gets overheated and glues together. The natural barrier between the placenta and uterus is nonexistent. This is what they think I had with the last two pregnancies. This time, I am diagnosed with increta. This is where the placenta grows INto the uterine wall. It can grow in just a small area or large. It can grow deeply or not. It varies greatly in severity and although it can get worse as my pregnancy progresses, it cannot reverse or get better. In my case, a very large portion of my placenta has grown into the wall and they are concerned that it will continue to grow. At this point my placenta is is high and at the back of my uterus. If it continues to grow, it will grow through my wall and begin attaching to my intestines. You can imagine that this would put the "danger level" of my pregnancy much higher. As it stands now, it is more than likely that the only way to save my life will be to remove my uterus as soon as the baby is out. The risk is still there that I could bleed out or haemorrhage while they try to get my uterus out and so they would be using as many interventions as possible in order to minimize the bleeding and keep me stable. Including putting balloons through my arteries in my legs towards my uterus to inflate and cut off the blood while they preform the surgery. It SUCKS.
I am sitting in this appointment by myself, getting texts from Jonathan wondering what is happening (it was an hour of talking and me just trying to grab as much info as I could at the time). My head was REELING. "So, what your saying is... right now it is bad. There is a 5% chance I could die even if it doesn't get worse. You think it is going to get worse. I can't have any more kids. This is my last pregnancy. Oh, and wait... I have ANOTHER condition??!?!?!?!??!?!"
On top of all of this, I have uterine notching. There are two main arteries that supply blood to the uterus. One on either side. When you are pregnant the muscle wall that is around our arteries to constrict them when we are in shock or stressed dissolves. This is to protect the baby and ensure it ALWAYS receives what it needs, no matter what. On one of my arteries there is restricted blood flow, meaning the muscle has not completely dissolved. I have heard of one side being completely restricted and the baby still surviving through the other artery, but it is dangerous for me and the baby and needs to be closely monitored as my pregnancy progresses. The two main things they will watch for is that baby is growing, as it can cause IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction), as well as signs of preeclampsia (high blood pressure in pregnancy) as it is very closely linked to causing this condition. The fact that I have had preeclampsia in the past combined with this notching puts me at high risk of this condition. Which also puts the risk for the surgery and whole procedure, pregnancy in general, that much higher.
There is still TONS of information we need. I will be going back down to Vancouver in three weeks time to have another ultrasound to check in on the notching. I am not sure as it was one of the million questions I thought of AFTER my appointment, but I think it can get better and/or not get worse. In which case it might not cause anything, just be something to watch. But at this point, they want to see it again and see what is happening with it. In another month after that I will go back for an MRI, consults with all the doctors who will be doing my surgery, including the surgery to implant the balloons, the people that will be putting in my spinal and epidural, and the people that will be putting in my central line to take blood/monitor my blood pressure. We have a lot of decisions to make, a lot more tests to do, and a lot of waiting and praying in the meantime. I will definitely be delivering by C-section and most likely quite early in order to ensure I don't go into labor and the condition doesn't get worse.
And so it is that the girl who is afraid of going to the dentist is going to be sliced and diced every which way, have balloons and tubes inserted into her arteries, IV's, epidural and a spinal. Lets just say that I am dreading going through all of this and trying to process a lot right now. Including the risk to my life and what that means (preparing my will, slowing down my life, etc), the fact that this is my last pregnancy (heart wrenching), the risk to this little one and concern for her safety, and the sheer dread of going through all of this. Lets just say I would be thrilled to "bring on the pain" of a natural birth compared to all of this :(
I don't fully understand it. I am an anomoly in the medical community. "You can't get pre-ecmlampsia unless its your first baby or you've had it before..." um, I got it in my third after two healthy babies. "You don't get accreta unless it attaches to the front, your placenta is in the back so you're good" Third times a charm? But at the same time there is a peace that comes from knowing that after this, I don't have to worry or stress or be afraid of all this stuff again. Each pregnancy is so stressful wondering what will happen and worrying about the complications. Hopefully the interventions will be successful and everything doesn't worsen so I can be home for Christmas. That's my goal. Be alive, with a safe and healthy baby, and home for Christmas. And we will be praying every day to that end.
If you want to stay up to date on this condition and our journey through this pregnancy, please feel free to follow our blog. I will try to do an update each week through our appointments and tests.
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