29 weeks

Here I sit, scarfing a bowl of cheerios after a 7 hour drive from vancouver (2 hours of that spent sitting on a back detour road and 1 stopped at a restaurant to eat, but still, AHHHH). I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. Driving at night was fine with the older kids but Aliyah was a wreck the whole way. No one slept, we got to the hotel and it was about 11 before anyone was sleeping. The next morning we packed up Aliyah (my younger brother Timothy stayed with the older kids) and rushed to the hospital for our ultrasound where we found out basically nothing. No change. I suppose that is good news, it means it is not getting any worse. Baby is healthy and growing like a weed, we even saw her little hair!

We got back to the hotel, Jonathan had an errand to run while I sat crocheting like a madwoman, trying to keep my hands busy and my brain from thinking. Then we packed everyone up and went to the doctors. At this point, my hip was completely out from our first walk to the hospital that morning and I was limping and in excruciating pain. SUPER fun. We found out that most likely the surgery is going to be on Nov. 29th or earlier. Especially due to the fact that it looks like I am getting preeclampsia again. My BP was up significantly at this appt. We talked a lot about what to expect, I begged to be in the hospital for as long as I can to be close to our baby so I can nurse more frequently. To which I was told I will be released once I am stable. Great.

We were up until nearly 2 am that night dealing with Malakai who has a bit of a cold right now. It only flares up at night at which point he starts the most irritating, loud, horrible cough every 5 seconds or so. After an hour both Jonathan and I were so done. He went for a 4 km jog to try to find a gas station with vicks (to no avail) and I sat with him for 20 minutes in a steam shower and gave him his inhaler. Eventually he calmed down enough to sleep and then next morning it was up and at em for our next round of appointments. Kids were done, I was done. We were so tired. Packing up as fast as we could we rushed out of Easter Seal to make our appt. in time. Upon arrival we discovered that parking at st. pauls costs about $4/30 minutes. WHAT????? So $15 dollars later, for just 2 hours of precious parking time, we were making our way in to meet with the social worker and a specialist.

We left Van. just before 11 and Jonathan went straight to work. Kids are in bed, jostling around like orangutans while I sit trying to jam everything in my head and make a semblance of peace with all the new information. I HATE these appointments. I hate driving downtown, I hate the screaming kids in the background while I am trying to meet with a doctor, or seeing the annoyed glares from people around me. I hate having to go live through this all when it hasn't even happened yet. I hate the cold uncomfortable room where I can't even sleep by my husband and how much money it is just to park, eat, and pay for gas/hotel. If I say "I don't want to do this" enough times, maybe it will come true? Right? The cafeteria at st. pauls was terrible, worst one I have seen yet, and the most expensive. Two little plates (and I mean little, few pieces of bacon for me and 1 tiny hashbrown, horrible horrible coffee and jonathan got oatmeal) was $20!!!!!! Financially this is a gong show, and when I think of all the procedures, in this city I can't stand, I just feel like running away.

SIGH.

I guess I have gone through this enough to know that this is my process after each appt. I come back, I adjust, I process, I freak out, it takes me a week to take it all in. But then it all settles down and I go back to reality. So heres my reality. I have 2 1/2 weeks. 2 1/2 weeks to decorate for Christmas, buy a car seat and figure out where baby is going to go, pack my hospital bag, and enough stuff for a month and a half, do what I want to do for school with the kids, get my house organized, etc. In these few weeks I will have numerous doctors appointments in Kamloops, IV iron infusions possibly as many as one per week to get my iron up (nothing else is working) and checks on my BP/bloodwork. IF I make it that time without pre-eclampsia getting too bad, I go back for another round of appointments. MRI, u/s, interventional radiology (balloons in my uterine arteries), anaesthesiologiest, etc. At this point, if BP is still high, I won't be coming home. They will want me closer to Vancouver so they can keep an eye on my condition. I have no idea what we will do about that. If Jonathan can get off work and stay home with the kids, then I am by myself. With Malakai my BP got so bad so fast he didn't even make it in time for the induction. He wouldn't be there with me. I would be driving back and forth by myself in Vancouver. And it makes the time I am away from the kids from 2 weeks to more like 5.

I WANT to come to peace with this. I don't want the fear, the dread, the dilemma of this situation to consume me. But as the clock is ticking by, I don't know how to even do that. "Dont stress" about all I have to do in the next few days is easy to say, but it has to be done, and I have to do it. So its also a completely irrational thing to expect. I will stress. "Don't overthink it" seems ridiculous to me, because if I don't think and plan now for child care, our options, booking Jonathan off work, etc. Then we will be screwed. Time is short, thinking and planning must take place. I want to accept that the baby will be in NICU, that I won't be able to sleep by her, that there is no possible way I will be able to nurse her around the clock once they discharge me and I can't make it back and forth from hotels to the hospital every couple of hours. But the idea of going through the whole situation with Malakai again, worse, and for longer... is so overwhelming to me. It was without a doubt the worst 2 weeks of my life. And having to just "give in", go "visit" my baby instead of taking care of her every need makes me want to scream. It isn't supposed to be this way. And if it has to be this way, let me stay with my baby!!!!! Deep breaths.

I know, I know, the Sunday school response is burning on your lips "God is in control".  And I know that. But when everything is so out of my control, I feel like I can't plan for anything. Needless to say, I am going to have to assume the worst, that I have 2 1/2 weeks to get everything done. That means I need to figure out what we need for baby, find a bassinet or co-sleeper and car seat, get organized. And pray that God gives me peace. I think hoping for a miracle at this point will be the death of me, better I just accept and come to terms with the morbid reality of this situation and then I can be pleasantly surprised by twists and turns in the road.

If you are praying for us, please pray that we can get everything done. That Jonathan can get off work and be with the kids, that God helps us financially (may our van get EXTRA good mileage :), that both Jonathan and I can come to terms with everything that is happening and feel peace, I need some peace. That the IV iron infusion isn't horrible (usually takes about 8 tries to get an IV in me with much bleeding and bruising and pain) and my iron is up so I am in the best shape possible for this procedure, and that baby will be extra strong and big and ready so that we can both be released at the same time. Oh, and NO vertical incision. We are really praying that the one cut is enough just considering how long it took my other incision to heal. I may never wear another pair of button/zip pants again people... ;) Thanks for reading my long vent session, your prayers are coveted and appreciated.