The curveballs of life

I am learning, slowly it seems, that life is full of unexpected curveballs, I don't do well with the unexpected. I do much better with plans, well-thought-out ideas and goals, and schedules. Unexpected is BAD.

However, it seems that God thrills with the unexpected and even more so thrills at the prospect of watching me try to adapt and adjust to the unwelcome and chaotic ripples in my little world. My comfortable, safe little world. I take this to the extreme in that I never allow myself to think about, dream about, get excited about anything I can't plan for, for sure. This complicates things when you are married to an optimistic dreamer. (Really honey, I'm not a pessimist, just a realist :) However, as with any aspect of life, balance is key. I have found that although I don't claim to like it I can claim that the unexpected makes me stronger if I let it. When I am surprised with a new development in our lives, or when I hope for something and am let down... I have one of two options. I could do the regular reaction and get overwhelmed, annoyed, disappointed, etc. Or, I could rise to the occassion, seize the challenge and adapt, change. Luckily, God saw fit to make me extremely competitive, and often that is the only way for me to choose the second path. I make a competition for myself, I take the challenge head on, to prove to myself and the world, that I can.

A healthy reaction? I don't know, but hey, it works right? And so it is, that I find myself faced with the many unexpected challenges that come with having children. Three children. And a dog. And a cat. And a husband on night shifts that can never be planned around. And teaching piano. And trying to fit in the rest of life like friends, fun, and heaven forbid a little leftover time for myself!!!!! Let's face it, it's impossible. I can survive in this whirlwind that is my life. But I want to thrive, I want to enjoy it, I want my kids to enjoy it, I want to be the mom with the smile always on her face, who adores her kids and adores her life. How is this possible you ask? I have come to the realization that on my own strength it simply isn't doable. I am human, I snap, I get overwhelmed, frustrated, TIRED... My morning walk this morning gave me a few minutes to seek God and realize that He is asking me to find my strength in him. All those verses about God being your strength and your song have never made more sense to me than now. He is not only my strength, but my SONG, giving me JOY and MUSIC to my days, a twinkle to my eye, a bounce to my step, a song in my heart.

I have long been misguided and deceived into believing that there is a perfect recipe for success. Spend time with God each day, wake up at 6 each morning, blah blah blah. So when I am too tired to get up, or  the kids wake up too early and I don't get that time... I am screwed for the rest of the day, right? But really, all I need to do is include God in the everyday. When I am tired and just done, ask God for strength and motivation. When I am angry and annoyed, ask God for peace and joy. When I have worked incredibly hard at something and start to feel self-pity or the need for affirmation, seek that affirmation from Him. It is a day-long conversation rather than a one time magic phrase. In some ways, this is harder for me. It means setting a habit of remembering God, of praying all throughout the day. But somehow I know that this is just the beginning, God has my whole life to build in me a strong prayer life all I need to do is recognize it and try my best.

Wow, long post, lots of thoughts, but really nothing new, sorry if this one bored anyone :) I am just so consumed with life right now, that all I can sit down and write about is how to survive in the chaos :)

New Years Resolutions

Every year, the inevitable New Years resolution spew forth. "I vow to..." "This year, I am going to..." and the papers and articles mock us for our inability to stay resolute. Some argue that there is no point to forging a mere hope that you will just feel guilty over in a few weeks. I disagree. Life is full of motivational moments and seasons of falling off the band wagon. I, for one, intend to grasp ahold of anything that kicks me in the butt, short lasted or not. So it is, that I find myself thinking of what goals and aspirations I have for myself and my family for 2011.

1. I will try to get up earlier than my children each morning, go for a walk, have a coffee, do my devotions, and be alert and ready for the most important job I will ever have. I promise to try doing this whether I feel like it or not, whether I am exhausted or not, whether I am cheerful or not. I promise to no longer turn off my alarm, but rather get up despite my brains adamant refusal.

2. Consequently, I also will try to go to bed at a more decent time to facilitate the near impossible task of getting up early.

3. I will hop back on the bandwagon of ROUTINE with my children. Doing school and learning time with them each day, spending one on one time with them each day, having a regular bedtime routine, etc.

4. I will organize myself in order to continue on with piano lessons while ensuring that my kids do not suffer in the process. If this is unable to happen, I will cut some of my students in order to fulfill my duty and desire to put my kids first.

5. I will prioritize and schedule my daily life so that I am not wasting time on the computer or being lazy, but being a good steward of the short time I have with my children. (and increasingly short days with teaching piano)

6. We (I make this resolution on both Jonathan and my behalf) will pay off a good portion of debt this year, and be diligent and wise with our money. STICK TO THE BUDGET! :)

Alas, who knows how long these will last, I know myself and I know that time and time again I will be back in this place, on the ground watching the wagon go on without me. But I will not give up, time is so short, every day my kids grow and change and I refuse to miss out simply because I am not being wise with my time. I may not be able to do this on my own strength, but I pray that God will enable me to follow these goals, not just of my own making, but goals of His heart as well. Happy New Year everyone!

Monthly Confessional: Identity Crisis

My kids are asleep, the house has transformed from my cage to my sanctuary. Its many corners and crevices are all mine to explore and search for the peace and quiet I am so desperate to find. And so it is that I find myself a cozy little space and sit down to write my monthly confessional. June, a month of spontaneity. Wind and calm, sun and rain, wind and stillness. I have been forced to consider why I feel a sense of discontent these last weeks. What is it that causes this stir deep within to reach out for something more? I have everything I could ever wish for. A wonderful husband, three beautiful (albeit spunky) children, a home of my own... no it is not possessions I desire, I am feeling a sense of loss this month. Feeling the loss of my 'youth'. I quote that for the sake of those who are rolling their eyes at my dramatist mentality. My age is not lost on me, I am still young, a fact I am reminded of every time someone realizes these children I traipse after all day are actually mine! No, it is not the number that I begrudge. I guess I feel like this stage of my life is stealing something from me, a part of who I used to be. I used to be fun, spontaneous, full of life, so sure of myself! Now I feel tired, bored with the same routine in and out day-by-day, and insecure.


So my monthly confessional is this: I miss that which I never had. I wish I didn't have to let go of that fun, spontaneous person I used to be. I wish I could take my husband out without worrying over babysitters and money. I wish I could do something new, something exciting! I am watching myself turn into a mom, a real mom. Serious, responsible, all the things I both resented and admired in my own mother... and it scares me and makes me a little bit sad for the person I am leaving behind. Maybe this has been happening for a while and I just haven't seen it, I mean the last three years have been pretty busy with weddings, new babies, moving, etc. Now that everything has settled down and I have time to sit down and reminisce, I realize that somewhere along the way I changed. Not only did I assume a mantle of responsibility and seriousness that wasn't there before, but I lost a lot of my confidence. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, I feel all mixed up. I don't belong any longer with the young, unmarried people. I don't even belong with the married people. I belong with the parent people. People who are mostly older than me. I feel out of place. I feel insecure. And I HATE that! When I walk into a room of people, I have to force myself to put on a face when really I just want to go back home. WHO AM I?!?!?!?!? No, I don't think this is an age crisis at all, it is an identity crisis. It's all about who I am now versus who I used to be. 


I suppose the question is what do I do with it? I don't know the answer to that. Things, experiences, are not going to change the person that I am. I guess it is just something I am going to have to accept and let go. But that is a lot easier than it sounds. I feel like I am all of a sudden in strange boots that DON'T FIT! I don't know how to walk in them and I just want my old ones back. But I can't. I think I will grow into this new role, this new person that God is forming me into. There is no use fighting something that is inevitable, I will only make it harder on myself. My confessional, I am in a total identity crisis right now. And so very tempted to go out and be spontaneous, laugh, be carefree! Sigh. I need my sister :) 

Monthly Confessional

Time: my most precious commodity. At the end of each day I am left with a lingering sense of lost moments, discarded opportunities, forgotten promises. With three children under three, every day is condensed to the simple objective of survival. However, those wasted seconds, minutes, and hours will one day come back to haunt me. I suppose at the end of all things, we will always be left with the fact that it was not enough. We could have done more. We could have tried harder. So I do not pretend to subject myself to unrealistic expectations that steal my joy... I am human. I fail. I make mistakes and won't do it right all the time. But the reality is this: I don't want to survive. I don't want to make it by. I don't want to sit down at the end of the night feeling as though I had a 'productive day' because my to-do list is smaller whilst my children spent the afternoon in front of the TV or playing in a room. I want to do it right. I want to be engaged with my children, enthralled by them. I want to use every opportunity to teach them and hug them and praise them and delight in the goodness they represent in my life. 

I hereby confess my attempts to occupy my children with things so that I can get my chores done. I confess to wasting away whole days with trying to keep them busy so that I can accomplish my tasks.

I sincerely hope that this merely portrays me as human rather than an awful mother. I do try. In fact, I spend my evenings after the kids are in bed pining away at what could have been and regretting the poor decisions I made that day. I go over my catalogue of confrontations with the children and dissect them in infinite detail wondering how I could have handled it better. And through this daily 'recap' if you will, I hope that I am becoming a better mother. I hope that next time I don't make the same mistakes or fall into the same pits. I am learning every day and my children delight in teaching me and challenging me with new and brilliant strategies to test my knowledge!

I like to think I am a good mother, even when I don't do it all right. My kids keep me young and bring a fresh vibrancy to my life that I would be lost without. They are my light, my sunrise, my bouquet of very wild flowers! Many would tell me that I 'am a wonderful mother' and I would believe them :) But the reality is that I could always do better. And it is this unattainable goal of perfection that I will strive towards. I will never make it there, it will be disappointing each day when I fail, but my kids are worth the effort. For them I will get up each day aiming to be the very best, engaging, delightful, ever-praising, cheerful mother that I can be and pray for the strength to do it!