Hidden Treasures

I think we have established the complete and total racetrack of my days. Because of this general speed of light that I operate at, I find I often miss those little moments. Those hidden treasures that I feel like God has placed throughout my day to give me glimpses of heaven. 

Anyone read 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp? If not, stop reading this blog and go out and purchase it ASAP, borrow it from your local library, buy it on your kindle, borrow it from a friend. GET THIS BOOK! It is so well written, so poetic, so beautiful, and it helps to put life into perspective. 

She starts seeing the gifts that are in her everyday, the gifts she misses. She starts being thankful for everything. The way the light reflects off the soap bubbles as she does the dishes kind of everything. I need some of that thankfulness and perspective in my life. So today, when I was working at the computer and heard my four year old worshiping at the top of his lungs, I grabbed my phone and snuck in for a close encounter. 

What a gift! Especially when he wasn't preforming, he didn't even know I was there. He was just rocking out with Jesus. I was so blessed to see this. Tempted to think "phew, at least I am doing something right" but really, it isn't me. I can't take the credit for this. This moment my four year old is having all on his own, thats God. That's God answering my deepest prayer, to meet with my kids. To be real to them. To show himself to them in a real and tangible way that their faith would truly be THEIRS even at this young age.

So instead I thank God, that even when I fail, even when I miss those moments, he is faithful. Faithful to fill in the many gaps I leave behind.

Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

Diagnosed with Increta: 22 weeks

Well this week was full of the remainder of our vacation, getting home and settling back in, getting ready for school, etc. We have done a LOT of talking, a lot of praying, a lot of research, and getting familiar with what we will be doing the most of.... waiting. We will hopefully be getting referred to an OB here in Kamloops to monitor our care in between by appointments in Vancouver. We are starting to make our lists of questions for next time and considering asking for a referral up despite how much I liked our OB in Vancouver. At this point its just a lot of questions and not much we can do about it. We got a call with our appointment times on September 19th which we will be looking forward to if for no other reason than to start working through the whirlwhind of questions in our minds. I am sincerely hoping Jonathan can either be in that appointment or else at the very least drop me off and be on speakerphone back in the hotel with the kids. Not sure what we'll do or how we'll arrange it but at this point it is just infomation overload and I can't even think what to say or ask or how to respond when I'm in the hot seat.

I am tired. Bone weary. Probably a combination of this being my fifth baby and the emotional upheaval of it all. I can't seem to sleep enough. My blood pressure is EVERYWHERE. I feel nauseous, I'm blacking out and dizzy every couple of steps, out of breath. As soon as I am up my BP is 130/80 and then when I am resting it is crashing to 80/40. It makes me feel like crap. In my first trimester I found out I am quite low on iron so it is yet another thing I will have to bring up at my next appointment. In the meantime I am beefing up my iron supplements and just trying to move slowly so I don't fall over. I am supposed to start school this week with the kids, I have a few other things planned in as well as their booster shots, and some sewing projects to complete. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Other than school that is. I might be able to manage that, but anything over and above is just simply too much. My home is my sanctuary. My kids are my distraction. I have everything I need here and I just don't want to leave. Growing up with me you would have never guessed I would be such an introvert and homebody, but alas my love and need for people just disappeared somewhere along the way. My life takes up all of my emotional and physical energy, it isn't that I don't miss those "girls nights out" its more that I just don't have the time or energy for them anymore. I would rather spend my few spare moments reading a book, or taking a bath, or heck... GOING TO BED EARLY! ;) One day.

Anyways, baby is healthy for another week. Another week closer to being viable out in this harsh world. In the meantime, I have a house that needs to be cleaned, but I might just call it and go to bed instead ;) Happy first week of school everyone!

The curveballs of life

I am learning, slowly it seems, that life is full of unexpected curveballs, I don't do well with the unexpected. I do much better with plans, well-thought-out ideas and goals, and schedules. Unexpected is BAD.

However, it seems that God thrills with the unexpected and even more so thrills at the prospect of watching me try to adapt and adjust to the unwelcome and chaotic ripples in my little world. My comfortable, safe little world. I take this to the extreme in that I never allow myself to think about, dream about, get excited about anything I can't plan for, for sure. This complicates things when you are married to an optimistic dreamer. (Really honey, I'm not a pessimist, just a realist :) However, as with any aspect of life, balance is key. I have found that although I don't claim to like it I can claim that the unexpected makes me stronger if I let it. When I am surprised with a new development in our lives, or when I hope for something and am let down... I have one of two options. I could do the regular reaction and get overwhelmed, annoyed, disappointed, etc. Or, I could rise to the occassion, seize the challenge and adapt, change. Luckily, God saw fit to make me extremely competitive, and often that is the only way for me to choose the second path. I make a competition for myself, I take the challenge head on, to prove to myself and the world, that I can.

A healthy reaction? I don't know, but hey, it works right? And so it is, that I find myself faced with the many unexpected challenges that come with having children. Three children. And a dog. And a cat. And a husband on night shifts that can never be planned around. And teaching piano. And trying to fit in the rest of life like friends, fun, and heaven forbid a little leftover time for myself!!!!! Let's face it, it's impossible. I can survive in this whirlwind that is my life. But I want to thrive, I want to enjoy it, I want my kids to enjoy it, I want to be the mom with the smile always on her face, who adores her kids and adores her life. How is this possible you ask? I have come to the realization that on my own strength it simply isn't doable. I am human, I snap, I get overwhelmed, frustrated, TIRED... My morning walk this morning gave me a few minutes to seek God and realize that He is asking me to find my strength in him. All those verses about God being your strength and your song have never made more sense to me than now. He is not only my strength, but my SONG, giving me JOY and MUSIC to my days, a twinkle to my eye, a bounce to my step, a song in my heart.

I have long been misguided and deceived into believing that there is a perfect recipe for success. Spend time with God each day, wake up at 6 each morning, blah blah blah. So when I am too tired to get up, or  the kids wake up too early and I don't get that time... I am screwed for the rest of the day, right? But really, all I need to do is include God in the everyday. When I am tired and just done, ask God for strength and motivation. When I am angry and annoyed, ask God for peace and joy. When I have worked incredibly hard at something and start to feel self-pity or the need for affirmation, seek that affirmation from Him. It is a day-long conversation rather than a one time magic phrase. In some ways, this is harder for me. It means setting a habit of remembering God, of praying all throughout the day. But somehow I know that this is just the beginning, God has my whole life to build in me a strong prayer life all I need to do is recognize it and try my best.

Wow, long post, lots of thoughts, but really nothing new, sorry if this one bored anyone :) I am just so consumed with life right now, that all I can sit down and write about is how to survive in the chaos :)

Kids, kids everywhere

"We want more kids" says Angelina Jolie, mother of 6. "a big family is the best gift you could ever ask for or imagine" says some unknown famous family with 7 children (read in a magazine somewhere). And all I can think of as I read these ridiculous excerpts is: "well sure you love having tons of kids, you have a nanny! All you have to do is take them to the park and see their smiles and then pass them off when they are bothering you. Not too shabby indeed." Having all those children on your own... that is another issue. I sit here, drinking my coffee in one of the VERY few moments of peace and quiet I have in my day. Add some more kidlets and those moments will be virtually non-existent! My life with two under two is crazy enough as it is!

And yet, as I was in Walmart not too long ago, I saw a mother with 8 children, all under 10 (ahhh!). The 6 year old was holding onto the 3 year old. The 8 year old was holding the one year old. They were waiting so patiently in line with a cart heaped to enourmous and unbelievable heights. And I thought to myself... I could see myself with that many kids. That is not to say we are going to have eight children, but it sparked a flame somewhere inside that cannot be quenched, I want a big family. Every morning the kids wake up, I am exhausted and a little bit grumpy, but as soon as I see their smiling faces at the sight of me, it brightens my day. Selah cooes and laughs and talks to me, Caleb gives me a big kiss and I think to myself, 'What better way to spend my time and energy than investing in these incredible kids' lives???' And so, despite the fact that I am living off sleepless nights and harried mornings, I force myself to stop, sit down, and thank God for these incredible little blessings he has placed in my life. I would not trade a minute of my craziness for someone else's calm.

Well, my moment of silence has officially ended. My daughter is crying, my son is adoring her with his pokes and loving 'whacks' and my house is a nightmare. So until my next peaceful 'time out' I bid you farewell!