My Sunday Mistake

Today, I tried to have a nap. Why did I do that? With 5 kids you would think I had accepted the fact that those days are behind me. But in my everlasting state of exhaustion, I missed Sunday naps so bad today I couldn't resist the call of sweet sweet slumber. So I fed all the kids, got them watching a show, and poof! dreamland. It was epic, for the whole 10 minutes that it lasted. I was just breaking the surface of complete and total oblivion when "mom" collided with crying collided with "NO" at my door. With a sleeping night shift zombie beside me and a napping baby at the next door, I bounded out of bed a giant leap before my poor addled brain, to deal with the crisis at hand. After settling the drama, I forced myself to close the door to my room with a sense of finality accompanying the click and trudged to the kitchen. Here I sit, popping potty treat jelly beans like an addict to try to propel my lethargy to a general plateau of human existence. I don't even like these things! But its sugar or a giant pot of coffee, and Im sure the caffeine will not be appreciated in about 7 hours. The only thing that keeps resounding in my head is "WHY DID I DO THAT?!?!?!?!" Do I feel any better? NO! I feel worse, so so much worse. Tired beyond repair, frustrated, foggy, and just generally grumpy. The wrong side of the bed… I live over here right now. Who came up with that anyways? "Did you wake up one the wrong side of the bed???" Seriously, what is the RIGHT side? Because I can't seem to find it.  Every side I manage to clamber out of leaves me feeling incomplete, unrested, NOT READY to face the day. Deep breaths.

It's Sunday, the day of rest. Ha! My sour sense of humour mocks me with the reminder that with young children, it's really quite the opposite. Instead of staying in our pyjamas, doing school, relaxing all day. We have to wake up early, get everyone ready to go, pack up the van, show up late to church, try to keep everyone from becoming wild monkeys at the sight of other children to romp around with, just to pack them all back in and drive home. In a state of complete desperation everyone is hungry, tired, grumpy from a full week. No, Sunday is more like crazy day. I have tried to impose quiet time, put everyone downstairs, talk about how they need to stay down there. But when you put 4 kids in the same room, aged 2-7… who am I kidding?

The little angel on my shoulder reminds me that I went to church, listened to a nice sermon, I should be spiritually renewed and ready to face another week. But the OTHER me, the more skeptical, pessimistic side, laughs at the high hopes of a peaceful, encouraging Sunday. And reminds me that one day, in about 5-7 years, I can hope to have a relaxing Sunday come our way. Until then, buckle up my bootstraps, stop eating candy for pete's sake, and get going. Life doesn't stop for nothing around here, my biggest mistake was hoping for it.

From a jaded realist…. I truly hope that your Sunday has been more restful than mine. And if you have young children and your hubby is busy today: for heavens sake…. DON'T TRY TO NAP!!!! ;)

Diagnosed with Increta: 22 weeks

Well this week was full of the remainder of our vacation, getting home and settling back in, getting ready for school, etc. We have done a LOT of talking, a lot of praying, a lot of research, and getting familiar with what we will be doing the most of.... waiting. We will hopefully be getting referred to an OB here in Kamloops to monitor our care in between by appointments in Vancouver. We are starting to make our lists of questions for next time and considering asking for a referral up despite how much I liked our OB in Vancouver. At this point its just a lot of questions and not much we can do about it. We got a call with our appointment times on September 19th which we will be looking forward to if for no other reason than to start working through the whirlwhind of questions in our minds. I am sincerely hoping Jonathan can either be in that appointment or else at the very least drop me off and be on speakerphone back in the hotel with the kids. Not sure what we'll do or how we'll arrange it but at this point it is just infomation overload and I can't even think what to say or ask or how to respond when I'm in the hot seat.

I am tired. Bone weary. Probably a combination of this being my fifth baby and the emotional upheaval of it all. I can't seem to sleep enough. My blood pressure is EVERYWHERE. I feel nauseous, I'm blacking out and dizzy every couple of steps, out of breath. As soon as I am up my BP is 130/80 and then when I am resting it is crashing to 80/40. It makes me feel like crap. In my first trimester I found out I am quite low on iron so it is yet another thing I will have to bring up at my next appointment. In the meantime I am beefing up my iron supplements and just trying to move slowly so I don't fall over. I am supposed to start school this week with the kids, I have a few other things planned in as well as their booster shots, and some sewing projects to complete. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Other than school that is. I might be able to manage that, but anything over and above is just simply too much. My home is my sanctuary. My kids are my distraction. I have everything I need here and I just don't want to leave. Growing up with me you would have never guessed I would be such an introvert and homebody, but alas my love and need for people just disappeared somewhere along the way. My life takes up all of my emotional and physical energy, it isn't that I don't miss those "girls nights out" its more that I just don't have the time or energy for them anymore. I would rather spend my few spare moments reading a book, or taking a bath, or heck... GOING TO BED EARLY! ;) One day.

Anyways, baby is healthy for another week. Another week closer to being viable out in this harsh world. In the meantime, I have a house that needs to be cleaned, but I might just call it and go to bed instead ;) Happy first week of school everyone!

Quote of the Day #1

I had this idea that I would write 20 blog posts with "quotes of the day" from my adorable children. Whilst listening to their babbling and talking, the cuteness seemed to seep from them and I had a hard time choosing which irresistible tidbit to share with you all. And so it was, during one of my afternoon banters with my dear husband, that the quote of the day was sealed... not by my children, but by my criminally hilarious husband.

Insert dreamy picture here...

As I usually write about my children, I know this slight deviation may be confusing. However, I cannot help but write this ode to my husband, my best friend, the man who drives me crazy, makes me angrier than I have ever been, has the innate ability to make me laugh like no one else, my partner in parenting, and  (whimsical sighs everywhere) my soulmate. I know some of you are grimacing from the pure cliche of it all, but trust me, our story is not a storybook romance. It has been a rough, windy, crazy road, but I wouldn't trade a minute of it.


The Story


It all started about 5 and a half years ago. Jonathan and I met at a church function. And although we were inexplicably attracted to one another, we quickly ascertained each others age and that was that. I was dead sure he was far too old for me and he, in turn, was convinced that I was much too young for him. And so, we saw each other throughout the summer with an approving eye and not much else in the way of conversation... I had my sights set on a little bit... um, fresher meat ;)

A few months later, said hunk walked into the store where I worked all dressed up in his work overalls and I was flabbergasted. I mean, literally. I blushed like a school girl, my fingers turned to jello and I had the most embarrassingly impossible time dishing up his ice cream (to my credit, it was my first time... and it is much harder than it looks). Although my husband adamantly denies it, he did not help the situation, turning to full charm mode and enjoying my blushes far more than he should have. Needless to say, the tides had turned, and I could not get him out of my head. Long story short.... I found his number through more horrible embarrassment (I called around asking for the number of the "Jonathan with the black hair" um...... wow, it pains me to admit it). Within a year of calling him (nearly to the day), we were married. And I have spent the past 4 1/2 years with this incredibly complex person that I found I really didn't know at all.

We are dangerously alike. We are both stubborn, intense, passionate, determined, bull-headed. I suppose I thought that the golden rule would apply and that opposites would naturally attract. I remember thinking in our first year of marriage that surely there had been some sort of mistake... surely God wouldn't choose the two most stubborn ox's in the world and put them together... in a new career, with a new baby on the way, in a new town, away from family. SURELY not??!?!?!?!? If it looks like a recipe for disaster... you wouldn't be far off the mark. That first year both of us went through huge changes in ourselves. We grew, I grew, and through our clashes of personality... we somehow grew closer together. It was the hardest thing I have done. But both of us look back on those years with fond memories. Not because it was fun, but because we can CLEARLY see the road. We can clearly see the changes in ourselves and eachother. It is true that iron sharpens iron, and it isn't pretty, and it isn't comfortable but somehow, despite our similarities, we fit together so well. Not because it was natural. Not because it was easy. But because we have literally ground each other, through compromises, through letting go and giving in... into one. I know it isn't always the way it works. I know many couples have amazing honeymoon phases, I know that opposites often do attract. But I look at myself, and at my strong husband, and I think that I wouldn't change it for the world. I needed someone to push me, I needed parts of myself to die. I needed to soften in some ways, grow harder in others. In essence, I feel as though God has changed me and formed me into someone who is a little bit more pleasing in his eyes (and I hope, in my husbands ;)

Anyways, I went off on a bit of a tangent there. But, now you know a little bit about myself, my husband, and what brought us together. I suppose I can share with you the quote of the day:

(in reference to picking up dog crap in the backyard)

"It's like it's alive and when you reach down to pick it up, it gets angry--and releases its pungent odour"

May this post give you a little glimpse into the inner workings of our family, our marriage, and the man that I call husband and friend. He can make me laugh like no one else and I am so thankful to have him in my life.

Morning Musings

A baby is crying. I try to open my eyes but find them closed... indefinitely. Sitting up in my bed the cold hits me like a slap in the face and I shiver and shake as I make my way, blinded and dizzy, to the kitchen. Bottle, liner, formula, water, a little shake and I can go back to the glorious splendor of my bed, or so I tell myself. Malakai smiles up at me as I pop the bottle into his mouth and hope beyond all hope that he goes back to bed. He doesn't. He coos and squeals and Caleb starts to wake up, I look at the clock in a state of denial, 5:50am. Sighing, and fully awake, I decide I may as well go on my morning walk to clear the cobwebs that have taken up residence in my foggy head. The crisp morning mocks me for a day in August and I pull on a hat and gloves as I walk out the door. I walk, purposefully, determined. I no longer know how to walk any other way. No more meandering, I am a mom and I mean business! As I walk I think, I breathe in the cool fresh air, and I pray "God help me to come home to a quiet house, let me at least have a coffee in peace!" I come back home prepared for the worst and enter the house to silence. How great is my God! I make myself a coffee, and as I finish the last sip in my cup Caleb wakes up... how humorous is my God! Knowing I have no right to complain I greet my son (at 6:45am) with a smile and bundle him up against the cold (time to turn on the heat?!?!?!?!).

It is 7 o' clock. My son eats his breakfast and slyly asks (with a mischievous grin on his face), "what are you doing Rebecca?" Ah son, where do I possibly begin???? He asks for his mouse, a cat toy he found last night and has promptly given a home and a little water dish that he must cart around everywhere he goes. I sit at my computer, hoping to find some portal to the outside world, some connection with some other mom out there who is awake and wishing she was in bed. They are out there, somewhere. The moms who desperately pour themselves a cup of coffee hoping the caffeine kicks in before they have a meltdown. And somehow, without knowing who or where they are, I feel a sense of community with these moms and find I have the strength to turn off my computer and greet the rest of my little family.

HAPPY MORNING EVERYONE!

Why I am a stay at home mom

I recently wrote an article for Suite101 titled, "Should you be a stay at home mom?" and received quite a response from it. I thought I was being very careful to fairly represent both sides of this controversial issue. The reality is, there are many mothers who would like to stay at home with their kids but are unable to afford the cost of living on only one income. Most of the critical comments I received came from mothers who work not because they have to, but because they want to. Although this was not my target audience, I found myself unable to stay silent after I read my last comment. They posted a link they thought would be better received, an article from the globe and mail titled, "Ditch the guilt, working moms: the kids are all right". In order to fully understand my position and arguments, please read this article before proceeding.

Let us begin by carefully examining all sides of this issue. There are three types of career mothers:

1. The financially obligated mother
2. The motivated and goal-orientated mother
3. The "my kids are driving me nuts!" mother

The first group I addressed in my article. I understand and appreciate the mothers who work to help supplement their household income. This is not an easy day and age to live in and sometimes two incomes is the only solution.

To the second group, I can relate. I am a motivated and goal-oriented person myself. I am always looking for the next challenge to conquer, and as soon as I have, I am on to the next hurdle. Because of this, I often battle discontentment and am constantly on the lookout for vices through which I can feel like a person, not just mom. Now, I try to find things that can keep me in my home. Various hobbies can sometimes do the trick, or my current fling with teaching piano lessons. Let's be perfectly clear here: being a mother is not rewarding. I have heard parents say, "being a mom/dad is so rewarding." They are lying. Being a parent is a blessing, and one day we will reap the rewards of our hard work. My children bless me every day! But it is not rewarding. Your kids will not praise you for putting them on timeout for the 100th time or taking away a privilege when you just want the whining to stop! You will not get a pat on the back every time you clean the bathroom or a great referral letter. There is no ladder to climb, no sense of completion (take cleaning the house for example... the job that NEVER ends). So for the parents that yearn for something more, I understand. I too yearn for more at times. And this is where my faith comes in to play. As a Christian, I believe that I am called to be content in my circumstances. Not that I am never allowed to want more, but this is not just where God has put me, but it is where I have put myself. I chose to be a mom. I chose to have kids. Now I live with the reality of that choice... raising them. I daily accept my role and wear the responsibility of that choice and calling. And with God's daily help, I do so with joy!

The third group of mothers are the one to which the posted article refers. To these mothers, I have no mercy. If your reason for working is to escape your children than you are a coward and have every reason to feel guilty. You became a mom, whether by choice or accident, it happened. There are consequences and they are presented in these beautiful little baby's. When a mother says that their child is "driving them crazy" and they just can't stand it anymore (the child to which the woman in the article refers is only 9 months old) then I believe that they are being selfish. Yes, your child will be FINE in daycare. Yes, they will learn some new tricks, copy the older children. They might learn more than they would at home if you just stuck them in front of the TV all day. HOWEVER, they are NOT learning character. They are not learning your values. And, more importantly, they are NOT bonding or forming an attachment to you. Because of this most of these mother's kids will most likely rebel as teenagers. They won't feel obligated to please mom and dad. They will be used to following the crowd and having their "space." They will have all the toys they want, but they will be distant and aloof. And both you, and your child, will suffer in the long run. When they are sick or tired, they won't be calling for you... why would they, you are never around? No, they will call for their nanny or caregiver. They are attached to them. They feel loved, secure, and safe with them. The article states that, "Few (mothers) if any would consider devoting themselves completely to child care" All I can say is that the author of this article doesn't know very many mothers. Hundreds, thousands of mothers choose to devote themselves selfishly and whole heartily to the care and well-being of their child. 


"The real question is: Is staying home with babies generally good for the mental development and behaviour of most new mothers?"


No, my friend. The real question is this: If being with your own child is detrimental to your mental development and behaviour, why on earth did you EVER have kids in the first place?!?!?!?!? 


This article bashes stay at home moms because they guilt working moms. No, working moms feel guilty because they know there is something more to raising kids. Sure, your kids will grow up... with or without your help. But what will they grow into? Who is guiding them and teaching them? Whose values are they learning? Their teachers? Their peers? The cool drug-addict at school? The snotty, rude 7 year old at playgroup? Or perhaps one of the adults they are told and expected to trust who turn out to be a pedophile. Do you know? How could you possibly know the outcome of your child's growth, see the man or woman they will become when you just cart them blindly to their various groups and caregivers, and just hope for the best. 


Hoping is not good enough for me. I intend to KNOW!

Monthly Confessional: Identity Crisis

My kids are asleep, the house has transformed from my cage to my sanctuary. Its many corners and crevices are all mine to explore and search for the peace and quiet I am so desperate to find. And so it is that I find myself a cozy little space and sit down to write my monthly confessional. June, a month of spontaneity. Wind and calm, sun and rain, wind and stillness. I have been forced to consider why I feel a sense of discontent these last weeks. What is it that causes this stir deep within to reach out for something more? I have everything I could ever wish for. A wonderful husband, three beautiful (albeit spunky) children, a home of my own... no it is not possessions I desire, I am feeling a sense of loss this month. Feeling the loss of my 'youth'. I quote that for the sake of those who are rolling their eyes at my dramatist mentality. My age is not lost on me, I am still young, a fact I am reminded of every time someone realizes these children I traipse after all day are actually mine! No, it is not the number that I begrudge. I guess I feel like this stage of my life is stealing something from me, a part of who I used to be. I used to be fun, spontaneous, full of life, so sure of myself! Now I feel tired, bored with the same routine in and out day-by-day, and insecure.


So my monthly confessional is this: I miss that which I never had. I wish I didn't have to let go of that fun, spontaneous person I used to be. I wish I could take my husband out without worrying over babysitters and money. I wish I could do something new, something exciting! I am watching myself turn into a mom, a real mom. Serious, responsible, all the things I both resented and admired in my own mother... and it scares me and makes me a little bit sad for the person I am leaving behind. Maybe this has been happening for a while and I just haven't seen it, I mean the last three years have been pretty busy with weddings, new babies, moving, etc. Now that everything has settled down and I have time to sit down and reminisce, I realize that somewhere along the way I changed. Not only did I assume a mantle of responsibility and seriousness that wasn't there before, but I lost a lot of my confidence. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, I feel all mixed up. I don't belong any longer with the young, unmarried people. I don't even belong with the married people. I belong with the parent people. People who are mostly older than me. I feel out of place. I feel insecure. And I HATE that! When I walk into a room of people, I have to force myself to put on a face when really I just want to go back home. WHO AM I?!?!?!?!? No, I don't think this is an age crisis at all, it is an identity crisis. It's all about who I am now versus who I used to be. 


I suppose the question is what do I do with it? I don't know the answer to that. Things, experiences, are not going to change the person that I am. I guess it is just something I am going to have to accept and let go. But that is a lot easier than it sounds. I feel like I am all of a sudden in strange boots that DON'T FIT! I don't know how to walk in them and I just want my old ones back. But I can't. I think I will grow into this new role, this new person that God is forming me into. There is no use fighting something that is inevitable, I will only make it harder on myself. My confessional, I am in a total identity crisis right now. And so very tempted to go out and be spontaneous, laugh, be carefree! Sigh. I need my sister :) 

The Case For Having Children

Children compose the future. They inexplicably write the course of history and it all starts with their lives here and now. In today's society, the case for not having children is everywhere. A young couple is inundated with remarks and "helpful advice" as to why they should not have children. And for those young families who have one or two kids, they are told that they shouldn't have anymore. Why?

The case for not having children seems vast: they ruin your marriage, they ruin your relationships, they are expensive and draining, and they suck you dry of all your resources. So the question young couples are faced with today is: why should I have kids?

Why Should I Have Kids?

1. Having children is rewarding

• Each milestone a child reaches is as powerful as though you were reaching one for yourself. When a baby smiles up at you for the first time, or your son takes his first step, these small feats will make you so proud!
• What could a child possibly offer me, you ask. They offer a tangible, visible, constant reminder of your greatest accomplishments. You invest into their little lives every minute of every day, and when you see them adopting your values, or learning their manners, or trying to share, you feel such an incredible sense of accomplishment.

2. Having children keeps you young

• Many of today's parents are a hard sell for having a family. They look haggard and tired, drained and withdrawn. However, it has been my experience that having kids keeps you young. I am sure you have heard the phrase, "living vicariously through your children." It is so true. You may take the outdoors for granted, however when you take your one-year-old for a walk and they see an ant for the first time with wonder and fear and innate curiosity, you are drawn to feel the same way. When they ask you why? You are driven to find the answer out. They bring you into the mind of a child, they keep you running, jumping, and thinking every day of your life. What better brain exersizes could you need?

3. Kids are your legacy

• What will you have if your spouse dies? Who will be left to give your life meaning purpose? What will you be like when you sit alone in a retirement home and no one cares? Children are your legacy. They are the reason you can die content, knowing that a part of you is living on. A part of you will never die. They give life meaning, they give every day a sense of joy. They open your heart to love so that you are able to go on if someone in your life dies. You instil your values, your morals, your thoughts and opinions and your genes, and watch it germinate and grow. It is your legacy! What better reason is there?

4. Having children adopts you into the elite "click" of parenthood

• There is no doubt about it, having kids changes your relationships with everyone around you. You have less time, your childless friends won't be able to relate to your new schedule and your new set of priorities. The love you feel for your children is all consuming and someone who has not experienced that will not understand. However, having kids will present you with a whole new set of relationships and opportunities. There are endless online forums, family centres, playgroups, and places to connect. Never again will you walk in a room and not know what to say. Bring up childbirth, teething, or potty training and you will have a twenty minute conversation topic on your hands!
• Having children will open the doors to a whole new social circle. And although you may never go back to your parties or your spontaneous lifestyles, you will enter into something like a family group that will support and encourage you so you will not be alone.

5. Children are entertaining

• If children are anything, it is entertaining. You and your spouse are sure to find hours of conversations regarding their latest antics or performances. Not a day will go by that they won't at least try to make you laugh, and their imaginative ingenuity will constantly keep you guessing.

6. Children will make you a better person

•  Children inspire you to be a better person. They bring out the best in you. You are changed overnight from being relatively selfish, because you can be, to caring for another human being. It doesn't matter if you are tired or sick, someone else needs you and you are ultimately forced to be responsible and selfless. 

Children Are a Gift

I am sure it is a phrase you have heard time and time again, children are a blessing, they are a gift. But it is true. You see, it doesn't matter if money is tight or you are having a bad day or your kids have been misbehaving all day long. There will always be that one moment when they look into your eyes and tell you they love you or give you a heart-wrenching smile and you know, somewhere deep inside your gut, that it is all going to be okay. That this is the reason that you are alive! That you are devoting yourself to something, someone who could potentially change the world. And each day is an opportunity to be a better person.