Hidden Treasures

I think we have established the complete and total racetrack of my days. Because of this general speed of light that I operate at, I find I often miss those little moments. Those hidden treasures that I feel like God has placed throughout my day to give me glimpses of heaven. 

Anyone read 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp? If not, stop reading this blog and go out and purchase it ASAP, borrow it from your local library, buy it on your kindle, borrow it from a friend. GET THIS BOOK! It is so well written, so poetic, so beautiful, and it helps to put life into perspective. 

She starts seeing the gifts that are in her everyday, the gifts she misses. She starts being thankful for everything. The way the light reflects off the soap bubbles as she does the dishes kind of everything. I need some of that thankfulness and perspective in my life. So today, when I was working at the computer and heard my four year old worshiping at the top of his lungs, I grabbed my phone and snuck in for a close encounter. 

What a gift! Especially when he wasn't preforming, he didn't even know I was there. He was just rocking out with Jesus. I was so blessed to see this. Tempted to think "phew, at least I am doing something right" but really, it isn't me. I can't take the credit for this. This moment my four year old is having all on his own, thats God. That's God answering my deepest prayer, to meet with my kids. To be real to them. To show himself to them in a real and tangible way that their faith would truly be THEIRS even at this young age.

So instead I thank God, that even when I fail, even when I miss those moments, he is faithful. Faithful to fill in the many gaps I leave behind.

Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

Summer Update

It's summer, the sun is shining (although not today), the weather is warming, and my kids are flawlessly getting up again at 6am. It doesn't matter what I do. It starts with one, usually Malakai screeching for his early morning bottle. This wakes up Caleb, who then proceeds to keep Malakai awake once he has finished his bottle. And as I try desperately to send him downstairs so that Selah doesn't wake up (if anyone needs her beauty sleep, its her :) and out she comes, quiet as a butterfly, flitting out of her room. Ah mornings. Once my solace, I cannot seem to get up earlier than my children anymore. No more peaceful walks, or rejuvinating showers alone. Now from the second I open my eyes, I am greeted with screeching, fighting, and the dreaded "maaaaaaama! Come wash my bum!" Now that Caleb is approaching 4, I am recognizing a pattern. It happens each summer, maybe it is the sun waking them up, or the birds chirping incessantly out their window. Whatever it is, each summer, the clock goes back and they start getting up earlier and earlier, and unfortunately getting whinier and whinier throughout the day.

Life in the Spooner household has taken on rocket form. I can't seem to keep up. Piano lessons, working for my parents, Jonathan's courses and overtime shifts, shopping trips, doctor trips, and more. I love to be busy, but without fail it starts to show in my personal life and right now, my house is lacking. Now that lessons are almost over, I am starting to have some more time and even so finding it incredibly hard to catch up in this area. I try, I will spend all day cleaning and be so proud of myself, but in an evening it is all destroyed and finding the strength and willpower to do it all again the next day is hard to muster up. I literally was cleaning and Malakai followed me deliberately pulling out ANYTHING I put away. I would throw something in the garbage, he would throw it back on the floor. My silent little destroyer, toddling along behind me, sucking his little soother. So cute I couldn't be angry. My garden never happened, although I did manage to half plant a little flower patch in the front yard. Malakai is walking now, everywhere. He is so cute, both Jonathan and I love this stage. He is trying to talk more, although sticks to kind of one sound for everything ("sucka" is the same for both his sucky, kee kee, and simon). It is so fun to watch him become his own little person, so very very different from his brother and sister. And for all you wondering souls out there, no, we are not pregnant. I am sapping up every last ounce of baby left in my little boy. Even changing his diaper has become something I love, I know it won't last that much longer and it is just one more moment I can see him as a baby.

Life is changing, our little family is growing and changing. There are new ages and stages and attitudes and fights that we deal with every day in our children. Life goes on, day by day, and we just try to keep up, tag a long, survive in the midst of it all. Reading back on my old posts, I realized I miss this. I love looking back and seeing the catalogue of our family written out. I may not do it as often as I once could, but I will try to write more frequently if for no other reason than for myself. Right now Malakai is screaming, Selah just "fluttered" out of her room and Caleb is yelling for me to come wash his bum, so I gotta go! Happy mornings everyone, hope yours aren't quite as early as mine :)

Sunday Morning Shenanigans

I have three kids, three toddlers. Three clingy, fussy, whiny children that refuse to leave my side for anything. Because of this, leaving the house for anything is always an "experience" resulting in at least one meltdown and a very stressed out mom (no caleb, don't run in front of the car, selah! don't hide on mom in the store, malakai, stop throwing groceries on the floor in protest). How do I cope? I stay home! This brings us to the long discussion regarding church. At this tender stage in our families life, church is not relaxing, there is no fellowship or sermon for us, it is one long gong show from beginning to end. It is exhausting. I don't want to go.

We have started to get more involved in our little congregation, which has brought me to lead worship once a month. Although it seems like a relatively minor commitment, with the kids it is nearly impossible. They won't stay in the back, I have to try to arrange someone to help watch them, or three people... they run up and down the aisles. It is embarrassing and just plain stressful.  To be honest, there are times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and protest, "I'm never leaving my house again!" And there are weeks I have skipped church for no reason other than I can't handle the drama of getting everyone ready and out the door just to meltdown and play in the back by ourselves the whole time. There is the side of me that longs for the fellowship and time of refreshing that church used to be. But lets be real, that time is not now. I do know that it is just a stage, but my usual motto of "grin and bear it" sometimes fails to cut it.

This morning I am leading worship with Jonathan. That means I have approx. 1 hour to wake up my kids (daylight savings time means they only got about 9 hours of sleep last night), get them dressed and fed, pack snacks to keep them occupied, gather all my music stuff, get ready, start the car to warm it, get the kids all packed and bundled and ready and get to church to practise. I have no one to watch the kids during practise, which means they will drag their toys all over the sanctuary, to which we will no doubt receive condescending eyebrows from at least one person. I am about to lead a worship service when my heart is just not in that place right now, I am tired people. Last night, someone mentioned to me that I need to perservere as I am not doing this for the people, but for God. My first reaction was "of course" and even scoffing such "sunday school basics". But on the drive home, I realized that I need some of the basics. I am not doing this to please the crowd, I am not doing it to make life easy, I do this for God. This is my offering to Him, and although it does not feel like it, I think the sacrifice makes it sweeter in His eyes. It is not easy, it is not fun, and at times I lose perspective and forget why I do it. So today, I can prepare for the worst, but instead I choose to just lay it in His arms. I honestly don't have the strength to even do it on my own at all. This is my offering, my sweat and stress and the "toddler drama", may God give me the heart of worship I am lacking today....

I think I'll start with a cup of tea!

Quote of the Day #1

I had this idea that I would write 20 blog posts with "quotes of the day" from my adorable children. Whilst listening to their babbling and talking, the cuteness seemed to seep from them and I had a hard time choosing which irresistible tidbit to share with you all. And so it was, during one of my afternoon banters with my dear husband, that the quote of the day was sealed... not by my children, but by my criminally hilarious husband.

Insert dreamy picture here...

As I usually write about my children, I know this slight deviation may be confusing. However, I cannot help but write this ode to my husband, my best friend, the man who drives me crazy, makes me angrier than I have ever been, has the innate ability to make me laugh like no one else, my partner in parenting, and  (whimsical sighs everywhere) my soulmate. I know some of you are grimacing from the pure cliche of it all, but trust me, our story is not a storybook romance. It has been a rough, windy, crazy road, but I wouldn't trade a minute of it.


The Story


It all started about 5 and a half years ago. Jonathan and I met at a church function. And although we were inexplicably attracted to one another, we quickly ascertained each others age and that was that. I was dead sure he was far too old for me and he, in turn, was convinced that I was much too young for him. And so, we saw each other throughout the summer with an approving eye and not much else in the way of conversation... I had my sights set on a little bit... um, fresher meat ;)

A few months later, said hunk walked into the store where I worked all dressed up in his work overalls and I was flabbergasted. I mean, literally. I blushed like a school girl, my fingers turned to jello and I had the most embarrassingly impossible time dishing up his ice cream (to my credit, it was my first time... and it is much harder than it looks). Although my husband adamantly denies it, he did not help the situation, turning to full charm mode and enjoying my blushes far more than he should have. Needless to say, the tides had turned, and I could not get him out of my head. Long story short.... I found his number through more horrible embarrassment (I called around asking for the number of the "Jonathan with the black hair" um...... wow, it pains me to admit it). Within a year of calling him (nearly to the day), we were married. And I have spent the past 4 1/2 years with this incredibly complex person that I found I really didn't know at all.

We are dangerously alike. We are both stubborn, intense, passionate, determined, bull-headed. I suppose I thought that the golden rule would apply and that opposites would naturally attract. I remember thinking in our first year of marriage that surely there had been some sort of mistake... surely God wouldn't choose the two most stubborn ox's in the world and put them together... in a new career, with a new baby on the way, in a new town, away from family. SURELY not??!?!?!?!? If it looks like a recipe for disaster... you wouldn't be far off the mark. That first year both of us went through huge changes in ourselves. We grew, I grew, and through our clashes of personality... we somehow grew closer together. It was the hardest thing I have done. But both of us look back on those years with fond memories. Not because it was fun, but because we can CLEARLY see the road. We can clearly see the changes in ourselves and eachother. It is true that iron sharpens iron, and it isn't pretty, and it isn't comfortable but somehow, despite our similarities, we fit together so well. Not because it was natural. Not because it was easy. But because we have literally ground each other, through compromises, through letting go and giving in... into one. I know it isn't always the way it works. I know many couples have amazing honeymoon phases, I know that opposites often do attract. But I look at myself, and at my strong husband, and I think that I wouldn't change it for the world. I needed someone to push me, I needed parts of myself to die. I needed to soften in some ways, grow harder in others. In essence, I feel as though God has changed me and formed me into someone who is a little bit more pleasing in his eyes (and I hope, in my husbands ;)

Anyways, I went off on a bit of a tangent there. But, now you know a little bit about myself, my husband, and what brought us together. I suppose I can share with you the quote of the day:

(in reference to picking up dog crap in the backyard)

"It's like it's alive and when you reach down to pick it up, it gets angry--and releases its pungent odour"

May this post give you a little glimpse into the inner workings of our family, our marriage, and the man that I call husband and friend. He can make me laugh like no one else and I am so thankful to have him in my life.

The curveballs of life

I am learning, slowly it seems, that life is full of unexpected curveballs, I don't do well with the unexpected. I do much better with plans, well-thought-out ideas and goals, and schedules. Unexpected is BAD.

However, it seems that God thrills with the unexpected and even more so thrills at the prospect of watching me try to adapt and adjust to the unwelcome and chaotic ripples in my little world. My comfortable, safe little world. I take this to the extreme in that I never allow myself to think about, dream about, get excited about anything I can't plan for, for sure. This complicates things when you are married to an optimistic dreamer. (Really honey, I'm not a pessimist, just a realist :) However, as with any aspect of life, balance is key. I have found that although I don't claim to like it I can claim that the unexpected makes me stronger if I let it. When I am surprised with a new development in our lives, or when I hope for something and am let down... I have one of two options. I could do the regular reaction and get overwhelmed, annoyed, disappointed, etc. Or, I could rise to the occassion, seize the challenge and adapt, change. Luckily, God saw fit to make me extremely competitive, and often that is the only way for me to choose the second path. I make a competition for myself, I take the challenge head on, to prove to myself and the world, that I can.

A healthy reaction? I don't know, but hey, it works right? And so it is, that I find myself faced with the many unexpected challenges that come with having children. Three children. And a dog. And a cat. And a husband on night shifts that can never be planned around. And teaching piano. And trying to fit in the rest of life like friends, fun, and heaven forbid a little leftover time for myself!!!!! Let's face it, it's impossible. I can survive in this whirlwind that is my life. But I want to thrive, I want to enjoy it, I want my kids to enjoy it, I want to be the mom with the smile always on her face, who adores her kids and adores her life. How is this possible you ask? I have come to the realization that on my own strength it simply isn't doable. I am human, I snap, I get overwhelmed, frustrated, TIRED... My morning walk this morning gave me a few minutes to seek God and realize that He is asking me to find my strength in him. All those verses about God being your strength and your song have never made more sense to me than now. He is not only my strength, but my SONG, giving me JOY and MUSIC to my days, a twinkle to my eye, a bounce to my step, a song in my heart.

I have long been misguided and deceived into believing that there is a perfect recipe for success. Spend time with God each day, wake up at 6 each morning, blah blah blah. So when I am too tired to get up, or  the kids wake up too early and I don't get that time... I am screwed for the rest of the day, right? But really, all I need to do is include God in the everyday. When I am tired and just done, ask God for strength and motivation. When I am angry and annoyed, ask God for peace and joy. When I have worked incredibly hard at something and start to feel self-pity or the need for affirmation, seek that affirmation from Him. It is a day-long conversation rather than a one time magic phrase. In some ways, this is harder for me. It means setting a habit of remembering God, of praying all throughout the day. But somehow I know that this is just the beginning, God has my whole life to build in me a strong prayer life all I need to do is recognize it and try my best.

Wow, long post, lots of thoughts, but really nothing new, sorry if this one bored anyone :) I am just so consumed with life right now, that all I can sit down and write about is how to survive in the chaos :)

New Years Resolutions

Every year, the inevitable New Years resolution spew forth. "I vow to..." "This year, I am going to..." and the papers and articles mock us for our inability to stay resolute. Some argue that there is no point to forging a mere hope that you will just feel guilty over in a few weeks. I disagree. Life is full of motivational moments and seasons of falling off the band wagon. I, for one, intend to grasp ahold of anything that kicks me in the butt, short lasted or not. So it is, that I find myself thinking of what goals and aspirations I have for myself and my family for 2011.

1. I will try to get up earlier than my children each morning, go for a walk, have a coffee, do my devotions, and be alert and ready for the most important job I will ever have. I promise to try doing this whether I feel like it or not, whether I am exhausted or not, whether I am cheerful or not. I promise to no longer turn off my alarm, but rather get up despite my brains adamant refusal.

2. Consequently, I also will try to go to bed at a more decent time to facilitate the near impossible task of getting up early.

3. I will hop back on the bandwagon of ROUTINE with my children. Doing school and learning time with them each day, spending one on one time with them each day, having a regular bedtime routine, etc.

4. I will organize myself in order to continue on with piano lessons while ensuring that my kids do not suffer in the process. If this is unable to happen, I will cut some of my students in order to fulfill my duty and desire to put my kids first.

5. I will prioritize and schedule my daily life so that I am not wasting time on the computer or being lazy, but being a good steward of the short time I have with my children. (and increasingly short days with teaching piano)

6. We (I make this resolution on both Jonathan and my behalf) will pay off a good portion of debt this year, and be diligent and wise with our money. STICK TO THE BUDGET! :)

Alas, who knows how long these will last, I know myself and I know that time and time again I will be back in this place, on the ground watching the wagon go on without me. But I will not give up, time is so short, every day my kids grow and change and I refuse to miss out simply because I am not being wise with my time. I may not be able to do this on my own strength, but I pray that God will enable me to follow these goals, not just of my own making, but goals of His heart as well. Happy New Year everyone!

Vacation Survival Guide

After recently embarking on our first family vacation, I think I have come back a wiser woman. Traveling with children is never easy, but traveling with three children under 3 was definitely.... memorable :) Needless to say, from long car trips, to fast-food, to ferry rides, to hotels, here are a few of the things I learned along the way.

Tantrums, Meltdowns, and Domestic Disasters

After driving all afternoon, we finally arrived at our first stop. And it begins... unload kids, unload playpens, unload suitcases, bring in the diaper bag, bring in blankets and other items of attachment. Go in, get kids in their pajama's, feed them snacks, put them to bed. Run back to the car for all the things we have forgotten along the way. An hour later, the kids finally finally fell asleep and we crawled into bed, exhausted and preparing for the wake-up call at 4:30am.
12:00am... Malakai wakes up for a bottle. By the time I get it ready and come back to him he is asleep. Run back up and put the bottle in the fridge.
1:00am... Selah throws up. Over everything! Look for a washing machine, unsuccessful, hope you can get it washed in time for tomorrow.
2:00am-Caleb wakes up crying. Run upstairs looking for throw-up containers... just in case. He is fine. Go back to sleep.

4:30am-Time to get up and go! I get ready, wake up the kids (Selah throws up again), and we rush to the ferry.
Can you say gong show?!?!?!?! Needless to say, we did it. We got there. Selah was exhausted, sick, and basically a walking meltdown. I have never dealt with my kids in such extreme circumstances. So many things to remember, danger lurks in every corner. They wander off, trying to keep our eyes on them at all times. Now that I look back I really don't know how I did it, somehow you just do it. You just get by. You still find joy in the circumstances, despite the screaming child in your arms. You are tired, you are annoyed, but you are excited and in awe of all the new things. Watching Caleb run around on the boat, watching their eyes light up as they looked out at the water. Through pouring rain, we persevered. And it was one of the best experiences of my life!

So, vacation survival tip number 1: Don't let your child hold you back. They might be screaming, fighting, kicking. They might be exhausted and hungry and grumpy, but often if you just stick it out, drag them to the beach despite the circumstances, most likely you will be glad you did. You get to experience something new, they often snap out of it, if only for a short while, and together you get to explore and experience something incredible together.

Practical tips:

1. If you are in the car for a long time, pack each child a separate car bag. Fill it with little toys such as cars, action figurines, mini animals, water, blankies, etc. This was my SAVIOUR! The kids played with those little things all the way there and if ever you are at someone's house who has no toys, you can bring it in and your kids are entertained. LIFE SAVER!

2. Bring movies and a DVD player, the investment is WELL worth it!

3. Be prepared for the worst, pack advil for you, gravol and children's tylenol, etc. And don't forget a puke bucket! Might save you a boatload of grief.

4. Food, food, and more food. When you kids are melting down, food is the way to their hearts! Have snacks, granola bars, juice, cookies, etc. ready at a moments notice. Now that I have done this, I would ditch the diaper bag and food bag and just pack a medium duffel bag with tons of diapers, medicine, snacks, etc. Then when you are going somewhere, you can just throw a diaper in your purse and you have everything together.

5. HAND SANITIZER!

6. Don't worry about their schedules. My kids need their sleep, they were up until all hours of the night, every night. They missed naps, I thought they would be disasters. No doubt about it, they had their moments. But then they would snap out of it when they saw the crashing waves, or the aquarium, or touched a starfish for the first time, or heard the ferry horn blasting... I have never been so amazed at their resilience or so proud of their ability to take each moment.

7. Go with someone else. Yes, sometimes it is annoying when you want to do something, or they want to do something, but you can always split up. In the long run, you have two extra adults, extra eyes and hands, someone to laugh with when you feel like crying as your kids throw themselves on the floor screaming.... again. Someone to foot the bill of food and accommodations. Someone for the kids to play with.

8. Either bring a little potty so your kids can pee on the side of the road or (if you have boys) a water bottle that they can pee in (works great!).

9. COFFEE!

10. If you are staying in a cabin as opposed to a hotel, find out about laundry. You can pack less clothes and just wash everything every night.

Overall, the episodes of craziness were worse than anything I have experienced. But the location, the new sights, the excitement, the sense of family and closeness as we explored and learned together, made it all worth it. We plan on going back again next year, and this time, hopefully, I will be more prepared :)

Finding Contentment

With a click of a button, I feel a thrill go through me. I am happy. And it was so, so easy. You see, I have just purchased something online. It took only a few minutes. I found a good deal, something I wanted, no wait... needed, and bought it. Just like that!

Disappointingly, I realize I will now have to wait for it to arrive. And so I waste more time searching for the next "needed item".

No, I do not have a problem. But I will admit that I enjoy shopping! And the online variety is the most dangerous kind. You see, it is all done on credit, it doesn't feel real. And it is only after the packages start to arrive that you realize how much you spent, and on what.

I have been shopping lately. I bought our homeschool books online, ordered our pictures online, a photo album online, etc. However, if there is anything I am realizing with shopping, it is that I am never content. There is always more.  We don't have one bookshelf in our house, we need that right? I need a new piano light, we need blinds for the kids' rooms, new floors, a new camera. The problem is that these are legitimate needs. To an extent. They are items to which we can live without, however they are items that are important to us and have a purpose. It is far too easy to justify needing something and buying it. But what is a need?

A couple of weeks ago, before any of my online orders came in, I experienced a moment of pure contentment. I would say I don't know where it came from, but I know it came from God. For just one brief moment, I knew what the Bible was talking about... I knew what I wanted to attain. The pure peace, joy, and contentment that can only be found through Jesus. I can't express how happy I was. I saw life as it was, I saw the blessings that are my children and, the books I had coming in, the new opportunities awaiting me. And I was so happy. So content to just be in this stage of my life. And then I forgot about it and it passed. I got impatient waiting for my books and depressed myself with all the things I didn't have.

Here is the truth: we create the discontent and depression we feel most of the time. We start by buying something because we want it, or doing something because we want to... and the feeling doesn't last. We are only happy for a moment and then a sucking vortex of wanting starts to pull us under. Once we make that initial step, satan steps up and grabs hold of our hearts and minds. He gives us obsessive thoughts, he helps us to justify things, he surrounds us with feelings of doubt, unhappiness, depression, disappointment, and dissatisfaction. The way I have been feeling lately is not from me, it is a direct attack from the devil, and I have been just sitting back and letting it happen.

As I went for my walk this morning, in the rain I might add, I prayed that God would help be to be content. I have so much to be thankful for. God is so good! I know that this too, will not last. Pretty soon my human nature and satan's lies will start to penetrate the holy spirit's reassurances and I will be back in the black hole of the world. However, I also know that if I remember to every day ask God to be my hope, to be my strength, to be my unending joy, that He will provide. And once again I will be wanting for nothing. 

Masking... the female pandemic

It has come to my attention that we, mothers-wives-women, have a problem. I will label it "masking". We ALL do it. I rarely come upon someone who does not, and when I do, I usually find them offensive and rude. Ah, a conundrum indeed.







Masking (as defined by myself): The condition in which we say one thing and mean another. The state of being outwardly "nice" "perfect" "understanding" and "accepting" when it is all a lie... or at least some of it is. 

It is starting to drive me nuts!


And yet, in reality, I am one of the worst culprits for it. Take, for example, going to my sister-in-laws. Now, I use this as an example because Sonia is my dearest friend and I know that she is one person I use the least "masking" with. However, I still mask with her a lot. I still fear what she might be thinking or how I appear in her eyes. I still weigh my answers and thoughts so as not to offend or push too hard.

With Sonia, even if we don't always say what we mean, we know each other well enough to see it anyways. So really, what is the point. She can smile and say all the right things, but I know if something is bothering her. The same goes the other way. So tell me, why do we do it??? Wouldn't it just be better to bring it all into the open?

There is a delicate balance. If we all said what we meant all the time, we would be wrong. God commands us to be kind to our neighbour, to use a gentle answer to turn away wrath, to not judge the speck in our neighbours eye when we have a log in our own. We have a calling to not judge our fellow man (or in this case woman), to be accepting, to be kind and caring, to not be callous and cruel. Even when we don't feel like it. So where does that leave us?

Do we take it too far?

I think so. I think people spend their whole lives discovering what that balance truly is. Not being afraid to speak your mind but knowing when to stay silent. Not spouting off your thoughts and opinions unless you are asked about it (or in other words, not giving unwanted advice). I don't want to spend my whole life finding that balance. I want to honor God in my friendships, but still be able to speak truth IN LOVE! I guess that is what it all comes down to, we can speak truth, but we often do it out of pride and superiority rather than humbleness and love.

So, suffice it to say, this pandemic we have as women...

1. We constantly compare ourselves with one another. To two ends... we come out on top and our proud or we come out on the bottom and resent both the person and ourselves

2. We constantly judge people and comments in our minds. Always filtering, spending so much time breaking apart the subtle meanings that we often miss the main message... that that person just wants someone to care and understand.

3. We are two-faced. Smiling and nodding on the outside while thinking callous, judging remarks inwardly. This breeds pride in the worst way.

My conclusion? We are women. We are interpreters of the unsaid, the subtle meanings, the "in between the lines". I want to make sure that what is unsaid is not my prideful, judging thoughts. I want to be sincere, coming across to my friends and family as someone to be trusted. I don't always want to say what I am thinking, but I want to mean what I say, not saying something that is a lie just to make myself feel better, when it doesn't help anyone in the long run. And I want to drop the pretences and stop comparing myself with everyone.

I am not everyone. I am Rebecca. Whom God has called to be a mother of many, despite what people think of that. He has called me to homeschool, to write, to be joyful, to try to maintain a house of order! He has not called Sonia to these same things, nor Jessica, nor Amanda... the people he has not called to this are many. Because this is my calling... I accept it and do not hold it against anyone or lord it above them. I simply lay my cards on the table... this is me, and that is you. Praise God that we are not all the same and can come together in different stages of our lives to encourage one another on the way!

Waiting... not my strong suite.

Waiting requires patience. And patience is NOT a virtue that I possess in copious amounts. I try. And I have definitely gotten better over the years. However, I find that waiting for something I really want makes me irritable. And I am waiting for a lot right now.

I am waiting for my homeschool books to come in so that I can plan my lessons and start school with the kids. There were back orders and they held my order for two weeks before sending it just thursday. I think I will be waiting a while for that one. Sigh. So disappointed.

I am waiting for review books to come in. I usually have so many I don't know where to start. These last few weeks have been a lull, so I have nothing to occupy my time. And this means that they will most likely all come in at once and I will have to read 10 books in a few weeks plus post all the reviews. :(

I am waiting to start my fall schedule with the kids, but for this I kind of need the school books.

I am waiting for bible study to start

I am waiting for payday so that we can go grocery shopping and get more formula, diapers, and groceries.

Waiting for kamloops mom's swap in october so that I can get rid of the 5 garbage bags sitting in my garage.

Waiting for my pictures to come in that I ordered over a week ago! Anxious to get photos into the frames on my wall (currently with pictures of strangers)

Waiting waiting waiting. I feel like my life is on hold right now until some of these things come to pass, and although I am managing, I am not enjoying the process.

Sigh, so... until another day, until another open post office day when hopefully something, ANYTHING will come in the mail :)

Pending Proclamation

Wind. Rain. Sun. Clouds. Fall.

My favorite season. A time for schedules, routines, new possibilities and opportunities. This fall, I have a list of proclamations. I cannot promise to follow them... I am notorious for my lack of follow-through capabilities. But I can promise to try, and to give it a charging start. This is my last week of summer, starting Monday, I am determined to have more routine in our home. And so it is that I promise that:

I will no longer allow myself to sleep in

I will have a coffee before my children present me with their routine whining

I will have a shower so that I feel not like a human hairball, but rather a person... better yet, a mom

I will go on my walk so that I have had time to prepare myself for the onslaught of childhood antics I will undeniably face

I will maintain a clean and organized house

I will teach my children to do daily chores even though it is easier to just do it myself

I will have my kids on a regular, daily sleep schedule to which I will adhere faithfully

I will turn off the TV all day except for while I prepare dinner

I will follow my weekly schedule as faithfully as I can

I will ditch the cereal and mac and cheese and feed my kids healthy, nutritious meals and snacks

I will spend less time on the computer and more time with my kids

I will prepare a weekly meal plan and follow it, determining to make a family dinner each night

I will make a conscious effort to be more careful with our money. To not spend as much and budget more.

Why I am a stay at home mom

I recently wrote an article for Suite101 titled, "Should you be a stay at home mom?" and received quite a response from it. I thought I was being very careful to fairly represent both sides of this controversial issue. The reality is, there are many mothers who would like to stay at home with their kids but are unable to afford the cost of living on only one income. Most of the critical comments I received came from mothers who work not because they have to, but because they want to. Although this was not my target audience, I found myself unable to stay silent after I read my last comment. They posted a link they thought would be better received, an article from the globe and mail titled, "Ditch the guilt, working moms: the kids are all right". In order to fully understand my position and arguments, please read this article before proceeding.

Let us begin by carefully examining all sides of this issue. There are three types of career mothers:

1. The financially obligated mother
2. The motivated and goal-orientated mother
3. The "my kids are driving me nuts!" mother

The first group I addressed in my article. I understand and appreciate the mothers who work to help supplement their household income. This is not an easy day and age to live in and sometimes two incomes is the only solution.

To the second group, I can relate. I am a motivated and goal-oriented person myself. I am always looking for the next challenge to conquer, and as soon as I have, I am on to the next hurdle. Because of this, I often battle discontentment and am constantly on the lookout for vices through which I can feel like a person, not just mom. Now, I try to find things that can keep me in my home. Various hobbies can sometimes do the trick, or my current fling with teaching piano lessons. Let's be perfectly clear here: being a mother is not rewarding. I have heard parents say, "being a mom/dad is so rewarding." They are lying. Being a parent is a blessing, and one day we will reap the rewards of our hard work. My children bless me every day! But it is not rewarding. Your kids will not praise you for putting them on timeout for the 100th time or taking away a privilege when you just want the whining to stop! You will not get a pat on the back every time you clean the bathroom or a great referral letter. There is no ladder to climb, no sense of completion (take cleaning the house for example... the job that NEVER ends). So for the parents that yearn for something more, I understand. I too yearn for more at times. And this is where my faith comes in to play. As a Christian, I believe that I am called to be content in my circumstances. Not that I am never allowed to want more, but this is not just where God has put me, but it is where I have put myself. I chose to be a mom. I chose to have kids. Now I live with the reality of that choice... raising them. I daily accept my role and wear the responsibility of that choice and calling. And with God's daily help, I do so with joy!

The third group of mothers are the one to which the posted article refers. To these mothers, I have no mercy. If your reason for working is to escape your children than you are a coward and have every reason to feel guilty. You became a mom, whether by choice or accident, it happened. There are consequences and they are presented in these beautiful little baby's. When a mother says that their child is "driving them crazy" and they just can't stand it anymore (the child to which the woman in the article refers is only 9 months old) then I believe that they are being selfish. Yes, your child will be FINE in daycare. Yes, they will learn some new tricks, copy the older children. They might learn more than they would at home if you just stuck them in front of the TV all day. HOWEVER, they are NOT learning character. They are not learning your values. And, more importantly, they are NOT bonding or forming an attachment to you. Because of this most of these mother's kids will most likely rebel as teenagers. They won't feel obligated to please mom and dad. They will be used to following the crowd and having their "space." They will have all the toys they want, but they will be distant and aloof. And both you, and your child, will suffer in the long run. When they are sick or tired, they won't be calling for you... why would they, you are never around? No, they will call for their nanny or caregiver. They are attached to them. They feel loved, secure, and safe with them. The article states that, "Few (mothers) if any would consider devoting themselves completely to child care" All I can say is that the author of this article doesn't know very many mothers. Hundreds, thousands of mothers choose to devote themselves selfishly and whole heartily to the care and well-being of their child. 


"The real question is: Is staying home with babies generally good for the mental development and behaviour of most new mothers?"


No, my friend. The real question is this: If being with your own child is detrimental to your mental development and behaviour, why on earth did you EVER have kids in the first place?!?!?!?!? 


This article bashes stay at home moms because they guilt working moms. No, working moms feel guilty because they know there is something more to raising kids. Sure, your kids will grow up... with or without your help. But what will they grow into? Who is guiding them and teaching them? Whose values are they learning? Their teachers? Their peers? The cool drug-addict at school? The snotty, rude 7 year old at playgroup? Or perhaps one of the adults they are told and expected to trust who turn out to be a pedophile. Do you know? How could you possibly know the outcome of your child's growth, see the man or woman they will become when you just cart them blindly to their various groups and caregivers, and just hope for the best. 


Hoping is not good enough for me. I intend to KNOW!

Super Moms

Have you ever looked at another mom, or any woman for that matter, who just does everything right? They are up at the crack of dawn, they make a healthy breakfast each morning, they do family devotions, their kids are well-behaved and perfect and for heavens sake! Why are they always baking!!?!?!?!?! Yes, I have met moms like this, I refer to them as super moms. They make me feel guilty about feeding my kids cereal EVERY DAY! Or guilty for raising my voice when I get frustrated. They also inspire me and make me want to be a better mom, do more for my kids. It is a love/hate relationship with those moms, and I can't help but wonder why.

Hold that thought for a minute and come along with me on my morning walk. I haven't gone on it for over a month now and I decided to try this morning. I had forgotten why I did it in the first place. It is not the fresh air, the smell of flowers, even the chance to be alone. No, the real reason I go for my walk is because it is pretty much the only time I get with God each day. I go to pray. I go to bask in His presence and because of that, I come back a different person. As I was nearing home this morning, feeling encouraged, peaceful, and full of JOY, I realized that that is the difference. THAT is the difference between super mom and me. It is not what they do, not who they are, but rather who is shining through them. It gave me such a sense of freedom from guilt and bitterness towards these mothers when I saw that on days I go for my walk, I am supermom. I am motivated, energized, patient, and joyful. I am a better mom, a better wife, and overall a better person. You can't simply know Jesus and expect to be a different person. I realized that I ask God to make me a better mom. And he does. But, he does it for that day. The next day I need to wake up and do it all over again. It takes a constant, everyday relationship with God. It takes me laying my heart before him, my fears and frustrations, my attitude and lack of patience... asking for forgiveness, help, energy, and strength to be the best person I can that day. And even then, it is not what I CAN do, but what Christ does in me. As a Christian my whole life, this is sunday school stuff. I have known it and could have preached it to anyone who came to me. But I guess this morning I received new insight and really owned this principal.


It is not super mom, but rather super charged mom!


And so my friends, I am supercharged today. Don't judge me, don't be bitter or feel guilty, but rather go to your room, lock your door and spend time with God today. You will be a super charged mom too!

The Case For Having Children

Children compose the future. They inexplicably write the course of history and it all starts with their lives here and now. In today's society, the case for not having children is everywhere. A young couple is inundated with remarks and "helpful advice" as to why they should not have children. And for those young families who have one or two kids, they are told that they shouldn't have anymore. Why?

The case for not having children seems vast: they ruin your marriage, they ruin your relationships, they are expensive and draining, and they suck you dry of all your resources. So the question young couples are faced with today is: why should I have kids?

Why Should I Have Kids?

1. Having children is rewarding

• Each milestone a child reaches is as powerful as though you were reaching one for yourself. When a baby smiles up at you for the first time, or your son takes his first step, these small feats will make you so proud!
• What could a child possibly offer me, you ask. They offer a tangible, visible, constant reminder of your greatest accomplishments. You invest into their little lives every minute of every day, and when you see them adopting your values, or learning their manners, or trying to share, you feel such an incredible sense of accomplishment.

2. Having children keeps you young

• Many of today's parents are a hard sell for having a family. They look haggard and tired, drained and withdrawn. However, it has been my experience that having kids keeps you young. I am sure you have heard the phrase, "living vicariously through your children." It is so true. You may take the outdoors for granted, however when you take your one-year-old for a walk and they see an ant for the first time with wonder and fear and innate curiosity, you are drawn to feel the same way. When they ask you why? You are driven to find the answer out. They bring you into the mind of a child, they keep you running, jumping, and thinking every day of your life. What better brain exersizes could you need?

3. Kids are your legacy

• What will you have if your spouse dies? Who will be left to give your life meaning purpose? What will you be like when you sit alone in a retirement home and no one cares? Children are your legacy. They are the reason you can die content, knowing that a part of you is living on. A part of you will never die. They give life meaning, they give every day a sense of joy. They open your heart to love so that you are able to go on if someone in your life dies. You instil your values, your morals, your thoughts and opinions and your genes, and watch it germinate and grow. It is your legacy! What better reason is there?

4. Having children adopts you into the elite "click" of parenthood

• There is no doubt about it, having kids changes your relationships with everyone around you. You have less time, your childless friends won't be able to relate to your new schedule and your new set of priorities. The love you feel for your children is all consuming and someone who has not experienced that will not understand. However, having kids will present you with a whole new set of relationships and opportunities. There are endless online forums, family centres, playgroups, and places to connect. Never again will you walk in a room and not know what to say. Bring up childbirth, teething, or potty training and you will have a twenty minute conversation topic on your hands!
• Having children will open the doors to a whole new social circle. And although you may never go back to your parties or your spontaneous lifestyles, you will enter into something like a family group that will support and encourage you so you will not be alone.

5. Children are entertaining

• If children are anything, it is entertaining. You and your spouse are sure to find hours of conversations regarding their latest antics or performances. Not a day will go by that they won't at least try to make you laugh, and their imaginative ingenuity will constantly keep you guessing.

6. Children will make you a better person

•  Children inspire you to be a better person. They bring out the best in you. You are changed overnight from being relatively selfish, because you can be, to caring for another human being. It doesn't matter if you are tired or sick, someone else needs you and you are ultimately forced to be responsible and selfless. 

Children Are a Gift

I am sure it is a phrase you have heard time and time again, children are a blessing, they are a gift. But it is true. You see, it doesn't matter if money is tight or you are having a bad day or your kids have been misbehaving all day long. There will always be that one moment when they look into your eyes and tell you they love you or give you a heart-wrenching smile and you know, somewhere deep inside your gut, that it is all going to be okay. That this is the reason that you are alive! That you are devoting yourself to something, someone who could potentially change the world. And each day is an opportunity to be a better person.

Who, me?

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I have fresh stew simmering in the crock-pot and kids screaming in the background. And I think to myself: How will I find the creativity to write today? My mind feels like a nice pot of mashed potatoes. Trying to pick out coherent thoughts is possible, I am sure, but the question is, is it worth the trouble? You see, this is one of those days. You know the ones where you just seem to float on the sweet wisps of indifference? I am floating. Finding the will to focus is far from my sight and I feel like I simply pass through the motions one by one. Somewhere, in the deep, dark crevices of my mind, I know I should care... should devote myself fully to my tasks. But sadly it all comes down to the majority. And the majority vote is in, I'm too tired to be vibrant today. The rainbow is gone, the sparkle in my eye must have been carelessly misplaced. Today I am just me. Today, I just try to get by and do what I have to do. Not to say I am discontent. Neither am I faced with the bleak prospect of unhappiness. Instead I am simply plagued by the familiar pit of complacency and the effort it takes to climb out seems hopelessly out of reach. 

And so I sit at my kitchen table, watching the sun move its way painstakingly across the sky, and pining away for yet another cup of coffee. The house waits in utter disarray and I choose to be an innocent bystander in this game of "house".  I claim the right to wide-eyed naivety! I can do my work, I can watch the kids, I can make dinner... and at the end of the day when I look around at the things I failed to accomplish, I will boldly ask the question, "who me?" And so, don't point your fingers at me today! Please reserve your judgement for tomorrow. Because today... I claim ignorance!

Motherhood...

Motherhood... the state of being a mother. One that begins with conception and has no expiry, no end, no retirement. It is quite simple really, you have a child and you are immediately thrust into this world of "being" and without any introduction or nicely planned orientation, you are now a mother. Deal with it.

At first, I found it terrifying. Clabe was placed on my chest in a cold, sanitary hospital and I was told to make sure he ate. They wheeled me immediately to a room full of three other new moms, told my husband he couldn't stay, and left me... alone. I was so tired, so unsure of myself, and had no one there to either comfort me or tell me what to do. I was on my own now, welcome to the club.

But I did it. Each feeding, each diaper change, the constant guessing game of what to do. I just fit into this mold that somehow I knew had always been made for me and I loved every minute of it. Well, I suppose that is quite obvious by our getting prenant again two months after caleb was born. But the point is that this is me. This is what I live for. I may have other dreams and goals and ambitions in my life, but this one tops them all. Walking with Caleb and teaching him the names of different birds and trees and cars. Watching the studious expression on his face as he tries to soak in eerything at once. Listen to him call, "mama, mama, mama... look!" a hundred times a day or be silly just to make me smile. Or Selah, babbling in her crib, practising her words over and over. Or toddling around the house with a look of extreme satisfaction on her face. Or climb up a ladder and somehow make it over the other side while I look on in a mixture of terror and wonder at this little daredevil I have created... and it is during these moments that I know this is it. It is all I ever want in life. It isn't always easy, or even fun, but it is what I was made to do. And so it is that I wake up early ever morning, and go for a walk by myself, and breathe and pray that God will give me the strength, the patience, and the creativity to be the best mom I can this day.