D Day Approaches

4 days. 4 days until I say goodbye to my kiddos for who knows how long. Drive the long drive back to the coast, get set up in a hotel, and prepare for surgery. 6 days until I meet my baby. 6 days until I get tubes put into 6 different veins and arteries/locations in my body, a massive incision across my abdomen and my entire uterus removed from my body so that they can take out the baby and attempt to release my placenta. I will be awake for the procedure as long as there is no massive haemorrhaging or complications, in which case I will be put under general anaesthesia. Our little girl will be born at 34 + 3. Nearly 6 weeks early. My heart breaks for her. I am dreading the pain of the surgery, the recovery, the weird sensations and unknowns, being away from my kids, being away from my baby as she recovers in the NICU. This whole situation makes me want to run far away. I do so well in between appointments. You forget, you focus on something else, you try not to think about it. But here it is, right in front of me, and I could just cry myself a river. No bridge. No getting over it ;)

There is still so much to do. I am trying to set up rooms, set up beds. We are trying to have the kids stay here for as long as possible so they are in their own environment, which means having family come up and stay. I want everyone to be comfortable, and as close to routine as they can. This means an overhaul of my house, prepping meal plans so that whoever is watching them doesn't have to worry about anything. We still don't have our room set up for baby either, thats on tomorrow's agenda. Bringing in a dresser, clothes, change pad, etc. etc. etc. The list looms and I am so unmotivated. Then I feel guilty because the poor kids are watching way too much TV while we do all this work around the house and I just want to spend my last few days with them, having fun, making memories. Great, their last memory of me could be me yelling at them to go downstairs so I can clean the kitchen or go play in their rooms. Sigh.

The surgery is scheduled for 8am Friday, November 29th. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 am for prep and pre-surgery (inserting the catheters/balloons, IV's, arterial lines, etc.) I am not sure how much we will be updating everyone that day as it just me and Jonathan. He'll be so busy just dealing with the baby and me. Ill try to get someone to update my Facebook page once we are a bit settled and on the maternity ward. Tonight, I do 10 loads of laundry, then have a long bath. Tomorrow is another day, with another list, and another opportunity to make the best of a day when I am healthy and feeling good. Those days will not be here for much longer. Prayers are much appreciated. For strength for this little one, that she does remarkably well and surprises everyone and comes home EARLY. That she is big and healthy and breathes on her own and doesn't need interventions and IVs. For me, that I have strength to say goodbye to my kids. To get done what I need to get done. For faith, for hope. With my history I doubt, I stress, I worry that everything is going to go wrong and I am going to die on that table. That everything would go smoothly and no "worst case scenarios" happen. And for Jonathan, that he would have the strength to go through this. My c-section with Malakai was so traumatic for him, Aliyah's birth and fearing I would die was hell to put him through. And now he is going to have to leave me, with our daughter, knowing that the hardest part is yet to come and he won't know what is going on. That God would just draw close to him and give him faith and peace.

This will likely be the last update until after D day, so keep a watch on our Facebook pages for more tidbits, or Sonia's or Jessica's. Thanks for reading, for your thoughts and encouragement and prayers.