Just out of my reach! Letting go of expectations.

Today, I had a meltdown. Don't you lie to me! I can just picture you starting to put on the passive mask of indifference "oh really, a meltdown? That's too bad!" You know what I'm talking about... that day when all the little things that drive you crazy throughout the days/weeks/months come to a head and you lose it. It may be exploding in frustration, or crying into the porridge, or locking yourself into the school room with your coffee to "breathe". Or, if you were me today, all of the above.

I woke up early, good start! I felt good, not my usual exhausted self. I had coffee, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen. It was 8am when everything started to deteriorate. It's the little things, throwing a load in the laundry and realizing that the dirty clothes have mixed with the clean clothes and laundry is all of a sudden doubled for the day. Then moving on to the school room to discover the kids got in to make you a "special craft" and it is utterly destroyed (as was my sanity at that point). After cleaning that up, I attempted to make an early lunch and all my kitchen cupboards had lost any semblance of the order they had been arranged in just a few weeks past. And I lost it. I vented frustration to the kids for not helping out, then I kicked them outside to finish lunch and cried into the muffin tins (a little extra salty tang in those bran muffins today). Then I took my sacred coffee to the sanctity of my school room and locked myself away, where I tried to understand the total spiral the day had taken. And to be brutally honest, I didn't get very far. But here are some of my many scattered thoughts.

It's just out of my reach: the answer.

That right curriculum that will work for the kids, for me, and fill all the gaps. The routine that will help me manage my home and build healthy habits to be more organized and on top of things. The ability to get up early and wear anything without an elastic waistband. I spend all my time searching for the answer to my problems, trying to find a way OUT of them, to fix them because I feel like if I don't I will crumble under the weight of my failure. But the alternative, letting go, seems just as unattainable to me.

The best I can figure is it has to be somewhere in between. Feeling like I can't operate in a disorganized mess, that's part of who I am. Letting go of that is just not in my make up. I really do think it is key to having a more successful day. However, finding that system, those bins, that bookshelf, that curriculum, to make our home schooling days idyllic... maybe that is not as practical of an expectation. Trying to blend my teaching style with 4 different children's learning styles, with four different levels, with everyone needing my help and only one of me... severely limits what kind of program I can do. It may not be the perfect fit for me or the kids, but it might be the only thing that works in our family until they can do their work more independently. And although getting up and doing my face and hair is a nice goal, I have to give myself grace for those rough nights or those mornings (um, seems to be every morning) when the alarm makes me want to crawl in a cave.

I have to change what I can realistically change in my environment, routine, supplies but also learn how to let go of "perfect".

A true perfectionist can look like a total slob. They are the ones who have the Martha Stewart meal in the oven with their perfectly organized bins and vintage dress and hairstyle one day, but the other 9 days you see them they are a total mess. The reason for this is that if they can't do it PERFECT, they don't do it at all. Anything less is unacceptable. And this is the hardest thing for me to let go of, being willing to do my best in the moment rather than living in extremes.

Well, dear reader, after this highly unpredictable day I can say that I finally do have the answer. I have found that perfect balance, I have written it down in a ten step plan for success that will revolutionize my home and create perfectly balanced children!

1. Wake up: time is not important, the important thing is that you got out of bed this morning! Give yourself a pat on the back and a verbal expression of your overall awesomeness

2. Start thinking about dinner, for TOMORROW: if you start thinking about dinner by 7am today, you are pretty much guaranteed to have an idea of what you want to make by the time 4:00 rolls around tomorrow! 

3. Shower: even if you look like a total hag afterwards, the important thing is that you will FEEL like you accomplished something and you are taking an important step forward into your day.

4. Eat a balanced breakfast: what you eat is completely inconsequential, but be sure to drink your daily allotment of caffeine, your kids will thank you!

5. Make it Fun! Dance and sing as often as you can for the kids, then if the day is a total bust and nothing gets accomplished, the kids will still think it was an epic day.

6. Make a very long list of embarrassingly simple tasks: ie. change the baby's diaper, make lunch, turn on the coffee maker, etc. Checking off each item will make you feel accomplished and give you a positive outlook on the day.

7. MUSIC: turn on inspiring and/or fast paced music loudly and often. This will help motivate you or at the least make you think about being motivated in a fond manner. In the very least, the neighbors will think you are doing something productive with all that Katy Perry. "Baby you're a firework!"

8. Blog: writing about your thoughts and dreams, although not actually doing them, is an excellent way to keep them in the forefront of your mind so you can do them another day.

9. Update social media: Take pictures and selfies each time you accomplish something in order to post them to social media sites throughout the day. Each virtual thumbs up you receive will make you feel like a winner and help validate you as a mother, homemaker, and woman. Try not to think about the time you are wasting doing this simple practice, soon it will become a complete habit and you won't even know you are doing it.

10. Lastly, if all else fails... do a ten minute tidy up before hubby gets home from work. Men are notoriously blind to detail and they will think you have had a very productive day. Fake it until you make it right?

Ok, so polite chuckles aside, I do NOT have the answer. Life never lets you get too comfortable and just when you start to think you have it, there's a new dynamic to adjust to. However, I feel like I have some understanding and will be working very hard to be more realistic with my expectations for myself, my home, homeschooling, etc.

Signing out!

Hippie Homeschoolers: WHY?!?!?!?

For those of you who don't know, I homeschool our kids. You might wonder WHY, and I'm going to tell you. A lot of my reasons come from personal experience.

I was home schooled along with my siblings. In my growing up years there were four of us, really close in age, and we all did school together. I tried school out for half of grade 2, for grade 6, and again in high school. It was nothing special and I hated it. I LOVED being home schooled. My family were my best friends. I built relationships with them that I would never have had otherwise. I was a homebody and I never felt uncomfortable or pressured or awkward at home. I never felt judged or unsure of myself or stupid. I felt SAFE. Every day. I could wear what I wanted to wear without a second thought, I could make mistakes, I could learn what I wanted to learn about, and I got to do it alongside people who loved me. It was one of the great highlights of my childhood. The school part came easy to me, I ended up advancing two grades by the time high school came around. I went to our local high school and graduated when I had just turned 16 years old! I hope you don't think me conceited when I say that we were all very mature for our age. I think a lot of that stemmed from the fact that instead of being put in a fish bowl of only children our own age growing up (which is unnatural when you think about the real world AFTER high school), we learned to communicate and express ourselves and be comfortable around people of all ages.

When Jonathan and I first got married, we talked a lot about homeschooling. He thought public school was fine, I mean he turned out okay! (thats debatable ;) We debated back and forth. But it all changed when he started working more closely with the schools around us. By the time our kids were old enough to really start thinking about school, he was the complete opposite. He has become my strongest supporter, my biggest advocate. On the days when I question if we are doing the right thing or if I can handle this, he keeps me going and reminds me why we do this. He is passionate about our decision to homeschool and does what he can to support the decision (because in the end, it is ME that does it).

So that leaves us with my own reasons why, other than the fact that I loved it and saw the benefits of it personally. Do I think they get a better education one on one instead of in a classroom ratio of 1:24? Yes. Do I think they are building closer relationships with their siblings and with us? Yes. But those aren't my primary reasons. I think my kids will thrive in the school system. They will love it. And school is less about the education as much as it is about learning how to learn and developing a love for it. In light of that, my decision is based on the here and now, elementary school, the early years. In their day to day environment, my kids don't ever have to feel dumb, inadequate, unsure of themselves, embarrassed, self conscious, bullied, unsafe, or confused. They are comfortable 100% of the time. They are safe and secure in who they are and are free to express themselves in any way without fear of rebuttal or what people will think of them. Does this mean I protect my kids from the real world? Absolutely not! At this age, they still experience all those things in various groups or outings. Such as group classes they are involved in, friendships outside of our family, church, heck even the playground! They have felt bullied or dealt with kids that they just didn't know how to handle. They have dealt with peer pressure and been embarrassed or unsure of themselves. That is life, that is childhood. But it is not in their face every single day. And because of this, they are incredibly sure of themselves and self-confident.

Another primary reason we choose to homeschool is to ground our children in their faith. To give them time to form roots, ask questions, experience it for themselves before they go into a school environment where it becomes a religious vacuum. Not just the basics of our faith, but our values. In this day and age, everything is under re-evaluation, including basics like gender. I am all for gender equality, but now we are transitioning to the gender spectrum. There are no more boy and girl, that just creates confusion and stigma. Now there is a spectrum and your child is free to explore where they fit on that spectrum. You don't want to go to the "boys" bathroom? Then go where you feel comfortable! This is approved and being implemented in schools across BC. I want to teach my children MY values, not the governments. I want to instil what I believe, I want them to be confident in who they were created to be, a boy or a girl. Not told that those don't exist. This is one of my primary reasons for homeschooling, our values, our faith, these not only will not be taught in the public school setting but they won't be accepted. Where does that leave my children? Caught in between two opposing worlds?

Now for the disclaimer to calm everyones nerves: I know that most people don't homeschool and I don't want you to think I judge you AT ALL. If you knew how many times I had considered just putting them in for a year, you would know this. Homeschooling is our journey, it is our choice. We do it because we have a list a mile long full of reasons that just haven't changed at this point for us. However, it is HARD. It is a huge sacrifice. I am so jealous of all the mommas out there who take their little ones to school and drop them off! And like I said, I think my kids would love school and will, when the time comes. I don't think we will homeschool forever. I have plenty of teacher friends and I respect what they do and I don't think school is "evil" in any way. However, let me ask you this, do you judge me?

Bedtime Battles

Who doesn't love a funny story? Especially when pertaining to family life. We can all relate to them, picture ourselves in them, and appreciate them. They make us feel a little bit warmer inside when we look at our own chaos and realize we're not alone, or better yet, not as bad as we thought.

So, dear readers, I am going to give you a big case of the warm fuzzies. You are going to walk away from your computer and face your world with a new sense of accomplishment and purpose. So pour yourself some creamer with a side of coffee and enjoy the ride.

Bedtime has become the most dreaded hour, nay 3 hours, in my day. I used to look forward to bedtime, yearn for it, count down the seconds until that blessed hour. Now I cringe when the clock says 6:30, I don't know if I am ready for this. Maybe I need a glass of wine before I start this war. I mean, come on people, its one against 5! I'm outnumbered, outmanoeuvred and simply put, outLASTED every darned night. By the time they finally submit, I raised the white flag an hour before. I have tried EVERY. LIVING. THING to get them to sleep. Routines, bath times with lavender, sitting outside their doors with the door open, switching beds around. The only thing that has had some semblance of success is the separation policy. Divide and conquer right? Each kid in their own room. The problem is that my house becomes a casualty of war and I can't go into any room in my home where there isn't a sleeping child to disturb. And honestly, my older three kids know better!

It didn't used to be like this. Bedtime used to be fairly simple. I don't know if it is having 3 kids in one room that has tipped the scales (who can sleep with that adorable squealing little girl vying for their attention???) or if it is just blatant disrespect. You might be thinking that 7pm is too early for bedtime, I have even been willing to concede on this point. I let Caleb and Selah stay up until 8 reading quietly in their room. It doesn't stop the complete and total gong show that is happening in the other room and "quietly" is open to interpretation on their behalf.

Aliyah still needs naps, but not every day. The days that she naps, there is NO way she goes to bed before about 10pm. She then keeps up Malakai and Janiah. Malakai just plays off the girls, enjoying every moment of this fun game in the girls room (we moved him from Calebs room in hopes of a better nights sleep, ha!). Janiah wakes up whenever we move one of our separation victims back in at 9 or 10pm and plays for a good hour thus waking up the others all over again.

Am I losing you yet? I think I lost myself a long time ago. We need more rooms in our house! I have a foamie permanently set up in my living room right now, seriously! I just explain to our guests that we are having bedtime battles right now. Yaaaaaa, they get it right????

Sigh, who am I kidding? We need to find something that works and soon! At this point I am ready to move caleb and selah into the laundry room and Janiah in by herself. I am so ready to just lay my kids down to sleep and have them…. wait for it…. OBEY! So ready for the whining all day long to stop because my kids are getting proper rest.

So this morning, think about how your bedtimes are going. I can almost guarantee they are going better than mine. And as you sip that warm, steaming coffee or tea in your hands, may the story of my nightly battles bring you a little smile and a proverbial pat on the back. You got this! I mean, as long as you are doing better than me, you got this ;)

Signing out

25 weeks Increta

So as most of you are aware, I had an appointment down in Vancouver last week. The news was not really news. They were checking to see if the notching had disappeared, which it has not. This means that I am at a high risk of pre-ecmlampsia and IUGR (intrauterine Growth Restriction) and baby will need an U/S every 3-4 weeks to check growth as well as regular BP checks for myself. Nothing really new there. The increta is definitely still there and I don't know if it has gotten worse or not, but this time the tech was a lot more forthcoming with us about the situation. My placenta has grown into my uterine wall so far that only 3 mm remains. I am not sure if they are comparing these measurements each time, but I will be keeping track myself and asking how much remains so that I can gauge how quickly it is growing through. The doctor is not overly concerned about it attaching to my bowels even if it does grow through because your bowels are always moving and it is harder for the placenta to attach to them. This doesn't give me the greatest confidence, simply because what "shouldn't" go wrong, with me means "will" go wrong. But I am praying and hoping for the best. My BP has been higher, they are not concerned, again nothing new. However my lower (diastolic) is usually around 50 and is consistently up at 70 so I am starting to get suspicious that we might get pre-eclampsia as well.

So, where we are at is: C-section has been booked for December 2nd along with a scheduled hysterectomy. They will evaluate if there is any chance of saving my uterus during the surgery based on how much blood I am losing and if the placenta will detach, but she said it is a 95% chance based on what they are seeing that this will not happen. I signed the consent forms already at my appointment (AHHHH!). If there are any other complications (IUGR, pre-eclampsia, placenta growing through, etc) we will bump up the surgery by a few weeks, putting me in the middle of November. I am mentally preparing for this eventuality, which gives me just under 2 months until we meet this little girl. I will be admitted a few days before the surgery for steroid shots for the little one, to have surgery where they insert balloons into my uterine arteries and insert an arterial line to monitor my BP and take blood. If I have preeclampsia my admission date will be bumped up as well for observation.

Where we are at with all of this:

The night before we were supposed to leave, we were spending the night at Matthew and Sonia's so that they could watch our kids first thing in the morning. The kids got sick. The flu. It was so bad. We took Selah and Aliyah with us trying to alleviate the sick ones but both the boys got it as well. We felt so bad. I got it on the way, it was horrible. I felt so sick the whole way, was exhausted and nauseous and achy and weak and trying to just make it through the stupid appointments. We came back to the van after our appointment downtown to see the van being towed away! Jonathan stopped him just as he was pulling away and $90 later we were able to leave. So much for saving money on a hotel, we just paid them all in parking fees instead! It was a disappointing, overwhelming, frustrating day. We felt so bad for exposing Matthew and Sonia to the stomach flu of all things, and it is a long-drawn out sickness to boot. We are still recovering, and Aliyah just got it yesterday.

It seems to be the same as last time with my emotional capacity to deal with this. I come home in a funk. Last time I was able to get myself out of it and was starting to think that maybe I could save my uterus and now that all hope is coming crashing down... the funk remains. I don't want to talk on the phone, I really really don't want to see anyone, I have no motivation to do school, and feel like if it weren't for the kids needing me, I'd be locking myself in my room all day long. We have bloodwork and a follow up in Kamloops next week and then in a few weeks after that, we're back in Vancouver. The road has been set, now we just see how bad it gets along the way. Your prayers are much appreciated, but your phone calls may be declined for the next little while as I adjust to our new reality and settle in. Thanks everyone!

Diagnosed with Increta: 21 weeks

21 weeks pregnant

I am currently pregnant with my fifth baby. Thats right folks, number 5! I am young, but would like to clarify that NO, I was not a teen mom. I have had my kids pretty much one on top of another. In fact, in the nearly 7 years of Jonathan and my marriage, I have been pregnant for 41 months. He has known me officially more pregnant and breastfeeding than not. So hey, I must not be a complete crazy person when I'm pregnant ;) Our beautiful kids are 6, 5, 4 (in a few months) and 1 1/2. We are thrilled that our littlest one is  going to have a little buddy to play with and found out that she will in fact have a sister to keep her company. We wanted a baseball team ;) Well, not necessarily. But we wanted to keep on having kids. Our plan in life was to trust God for the spacing and timing of our children and to keep on having them until we got to the point where we could not or were not coping with it. We both feel as though this is our greatest calling in life and each new baby has brought so much joy for both Jonathan and I, I guess you could say we are a bit addicted.

How could we NOT be addicted, look at these little monkeys! 

But alas, my addiction to babies is being called into an intervention of sorts. With my last two pregnancies I had problems with retained placenta after the birth and difficulty removing it. So this time we decided to go down to Vancouver and get some more detailed tests done. On Monday, August 26th we found out that we have placenta increta as well as notching along one side of my uterine arteries. These are two completely seperate conditions and both dangerous in their own way. Placenta increta was a bit of a shock, I was prepared for accreta, but not expecting to already be hearing such bad news. Placenta accreta is a condition in which the placenta adheres to the uterine lining. In a normal pregnancy, the placenta and uterus are like velcro. They are separate, but stuck together. With accreta, you can imagine that the velcro gets overheated and glues together. The natural barrier between the placenta and uterus is nonexistent. This is what they think I had with the last two pregnancies. This time, I am diagnosed with increta. This is where the placenta grows INto the uterine wall. It can grow in just a small area or large. It can grow deeply or not. It varies greatly in severity and although it can get worse as my pregnancy progresses, it cannot reverse or get better. In my case, a very large portion of my placenta has grown into the wall and they are concerned that it will continue to grow. At this point my placenta is is high and at the back of my uterus. If it continues to grow, it will grow through my wall and begin attaching to my intestines. You can imagine that this would put the "danger level" of my pregnancy much higher. As it stands now, it is more than likely that the only way to save my life will be to remove my uterus as soon as the baby is out. The risk is still there that I could bleed out or haemorrhage while they try to get my uterus out and so they would be using as many interventions as possible in order to minimize the bleeding and keep me stable. Including putting balloons through my arteries in my legs towards my uterus to inflate and cut off the blood while they preform the surgery. It SUCKS.

I am sitting in this appointment by myself, getting texts from Jonathan wondering what is happening (it was an hour of talking and me just trying to grab as much info as I could at the time). My head was REELING. "So, what your saying is... right now it is bad. There is a 5% chance I could die even if it doesn't get worse. You think it is going to get worse. I can't have any more kids. This is my last pregnancy. Oh, and wait... I have ANOTHER condition??!?!?!?!??!?!"

On top of all of this, I have uterine notching. There are two main arteries that supply blood to the uterus. One on either side. When you are pregnant the muscle wall that is around our arteries to constrict them when we are in shock or stressed dissolves. This is to protect the baby and ensure it ALWAYS receives what it needs, no matter what. On one of my arteries there is restricted blood flow, meaning the muscle has not completely dissolved. I have heard of one side being completely restricted and the baby still surviving through the other artery, but it is dangerous for me and the baby and needs to be closely monitored as my pregnancy progresses. The two main things they will watch for is that baby is growing, as it can cause IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction), as well as signs of preeclampsia (high blood pressure in pregnancy) as it is very closely linked to causing this condition. The fact that I have had preeclampsia in the past combined with this notching puts me at high risk of this condition. Which also puts the risk for the surgery and whole procedure, pregnancy in general, that much higher.

There is still TONS of information we need. I will be going back down to Vancouver in three weeks time to have another ultrasound to check in on the notching. I am not sure as it was one of the million questions I thought of AFTER my appointment, but I think it can get better and/or not get worse. In which case it might not cause anything, just be something to watch. But at this point, they want to see it again and see what is happening with it. In another month after that I will go back for an MRI, consults with all the doctors who will be doing my surgery, including the surgery to implant the balloons, the people that will be putting in my spinal and epidural, and the people that will be putting in my central line to take blood/monitor my blood pressure. We have a lot of decisions to make, a lot more tests to do, and a lot of waiting and praying in the meantime. I will definitely be delivering by C-section and most likely quite early in order to ensure I don't go into labor and the condition doesn't get worse.

And so it is that the girl who is afraid of going to the dentist is going to be sliced and diced every which way, have balloons and tubes inserted into her arteries, IV's, epidural and a spinal. Lets just say that I am dreading going through all of this and trying to process a lot right now. Including the risk to my life and what that means (preparing my will, slowing down my life, etc), the fact that this is my last pregnancy (heart wrenching), the risk to this little one and concern for her safety, and the sheer dread of going through all of this. Lets just say I would be thrilled to "bring on the pain" of a natural birth compared to all of this :(

I don't fully understand it. I am an anomoly in the medical community. "You can't get pre-ecmlampsia unless its your first baby or you've had it before..." um, I got it in my third after two healthy babies. "You don't get accreta unless it attaches to the front, your placenta is in the back so you're good" Third times a charm? But at the same time there is a peace that comes from knowing that after this, I don't have to worry or stress or be afraid of all this stuff again. Each pregnancy is so stressful wondering what will happen and worrying about the complications. Hopefully the interventions will be successful and everything doesn't worsen so I can be home for Christmas. That's my goal. Be alive, with a safe and healthy baby, and home for Christmas. And we will be praying every day to that end.

If you want to stay up to date on this condition and our journey through this pregnancy, please feel free to follow our blog. I will try to do an update each week through our appointments and tests.

Quote of the Day #1

I had this idea that I would write 20 blog posts with "quotes of the day" from my adorable children. Whilst listening to their babbling and talking, the cuteness seemed to seep from them and I had a hard time choosing which irresistible tidbit to share with you all. And so it was, during one of my afternoon banters with my dear husband, that the quote of the day was sealed... not by my children, but by my criminally hilarious husband.

Insert dreamy picture here...

As I usually write about my children, I know this slight deviation may be confusing. However, I cannot help but write this ode to my husband, my best friend, the man who drives me crazy, makes me angrier than I have ever been, has the innate ability to make me laugh like no one else, my partner in parenting, and  (whimsical sighs everywhere) my soulmate. I know some of you are grimacing from the pure cliche of it all, but trust me, our story is not a storybook romance. It has been a rough, windy, crazy road, but I wouldn't trade a minute of it.


The Story


It all started about 5 and a half years ago. Jonathan and I met at a church function. And although we were inexplicably attracted to one another, we quickly ascertained each others age and that was that. I was dead sure he was far too old for me and he, in turn, was convinced that I was much too young for him. And so, we saw each other throughout the summer with an approving eye and not much else in the way of conversation... I had my sights set on a little bit... um, fresher meat ;)

A few months later, said hunk walked into the store where I worked all dressed up in his work overalls and I was flabbergasted. I mean, literally. I blushed like a school girl, my fingers turned to jello and I had the most embarrassingly impossible time dishing up his ice cream (to my credit, it was my first time... and it is much harder than it looks). Although my husband adamantly denies it, he did not help the situation, turning to full charm mode and enjoying my blushes far more than he should have. Needless to say, the tides had turned, and I could not get him out of my head. Long story short.... I found his number through more horrible embarrassment (I called around asking for the number of the "Jonathan with the black hair" um...... wow, it pains me to admit it). Within a year of calling him (nearly to the day), we were married. And I have spent the past 4 1/2 years with this incredibly complex person that I found I really didn't know at all.

We are dangerously alike. We are both stubborn, intense, passionate, determined, bull-headed. I suppose I thought that the golden rule would apply and that opposites would naturally attract. I remember thinking in our first year of marriage that surely there had been some sort of mistake... surely God wouldn't choose the two most stubborn ox's in the world and put them together... in a new career, with a new baby on the way, in a new town, away from family. SURELY not??!?!?!?!? If it looks like a recipe for disaster... you wouldn't be far off the mark. That first year both of us went through huge changes in ourselves. We grew, I grew, and through our clashes of personality... we somehow grew closer together. It was the hardest thing I have done. But both of us look back on those years with fond memories. Not because it was fun, but because we can CLEARLY see the road. We can clearly see the changes in ourselves and eachother. It is true that iron sharpens iron, and it isn't pretty, and it isn't comfortable but somehow, despite our similarities, we fit together so well. Not because it was natural. Not because it was easy. But because we have literally ground each other, through compromises, through letting go and giving in... into one. I know it isn't always the way it works. I know many couples have amazing honeymoon phases, I know that opposites often do attract. But I look at myself, and at my strong husband, and I think that I wouldn't change it for the world. I needed someone to push me, I needed parts of myself to die. I needed to soften in some ways, grow harder in others. In essence, I feel as though God has changed me and formed me into someone who is a little bit more pleasing in his eyes (and I hope, in my husbands ;)

Anyways, I went off on a bit of a tangent there. But, now you know a little bit about myself, my husband, and what brought us together. I suppose I can share with you the quote of the day:

(in reference to picking up dog crap in the backyard)

"It's like it's alive and when you reach down to pick it up, it gets angry--and releases its pungent odour"

May this post give you a little glimpse into the inner workings of our family, our marriage, and the man that I call husband and friend. He can make me laugh like no one else and I am so thankful to have him in my life.

The curveballs of life

I am learning, slowly it seems, that life is full of unexpected curveballs, I don't do well with the unexpected. I do much better with plans, well-thought-out ideas and goals, and schedules. Unexpected is BAD.

However, it seems that God thrills with the unexpected and even more so thrills at the prospect of watching me try to adapt and adjust to the unwelcome and chaotic ripples in my little world. My comfortable, safe little world. I take this to the extreme in that I never allow myself to think about, dream about, get excited about anything I can't plan for, for sure. This complicates things when you are married to an optimistic dreamer. (Really honey, I'm not a pessimist, just a realist :) However, as with any aspect of life, balance is key. I have found that although I don't claim to like it I can claim that the unexpected makes me stronger if I let it. When I am surprised with a new development in our lives, or when I hope for something and am let down... I have one of two options. I could do the regular reaction and get overwhelmed, annoyed, disappointed, etc. Or, I could rise to the occassion, seize the challenge and adapt, change. Luckily, God saw fit to make me extremely competitive, and often that is the only way for me to choose the second path. I make a competition for myself, I take the challenge head on, to prove to myself and the world, that I can.

A healthy reaction? I don't know, but hey, it works right? And so it is, that I find myself faced with the many unexpected challenges that come with having children. Three children. And a dog. And a cat. And a husband on night shifts that can never be planned around. And teaching piano. And trying to fit in the rest of life like friends, fun, and heaven forbid a little leftover time for myself!!!!! Let's face it, it's impossible. I can survive in this whirlwind that is my life. But I want to thrive, I want to enjoy it, I want my kids to enjoy it, I want to be the mom with the smile always on her face, who adores her kids and adores her life. How is this possible you ask? I have come to the realization that on my own strength it simply isn't doable. I am human, I snap, I get overwhelmed, frustrated, TIRED... My morning walk this morning gave me a few minutes to seek God and realize that He is asking me to find my strength in him. All those verses about God being your strength and your song have never made more sense to me than now. He is not only my strength, but my SONG, giving me JOY and MUSIC to my days, a twinkle to my eye, a bounce to my step, a song in my heart.

I have long been misguided and deceived into believing that there is a perfect recipe for success. Spend time with God each day, wake up at 6 each morning, blah blah blah. So when I am too tired to get up, or  the kids wake up too early and I don't get that time... I am screwed for the rest of the day, right? But really, all I need to do is include God in the everyday. When I am tired and just done, ask God for strength and motivation. When I am angry and annoyed, ask God for peace and joy. When I have worked incredibly hard at something and start to feel self-pity or the need for affirmation, seek that affirmation from Him. It is a day-long conversation rather than a one time magic phrase. In some ways, this is harder for me. It means setting a habit of remembering God, of praying all throughout the day. But somehow I know that this is just the beginning, God has my whole life to build in me a strong prayer life all I need to do is recognize it and try my best.

Wow, long post, lots of thoughts, but really nothing new, sorry if this one bored anyone :) I am just so consumed with life right now, that all I can sit down and write about is how to survive in the chaos :)