My kids are asleep, the house has transformed from my cage to my sanctuary. Its many corners and crevices are all mine to explore and search for the peace and quiet I am so desperate to find. And so it is that I find myself a cozy little space and sit down to write my monthly confessional. June, a month of spontaneity. Wind and calm, sun and rain, wind and stillness. I have been forced to consider why I feel a sense of discontent these last weeks. What is it that causes this stir deep within to reach out for something more? I have everything I could ever wish for. A wonderful husband, three beautiful (albeit spunky) children, a home of my own... no it is not possessions I desire, I am feeling a sense of loss this month. Feeling the loss of my 'youth'. I quote that for the sake of those who are rolling their eyes at my dramatist mentality. My age is not lost on me, I am still young, a fact I am reminded of every time someone realizes these children I traipse after all day are actually mine! No, it is not the number that I begrudge. I guess I feel like this stage of my life is stealing something from me, a part of who I used to be. I used to be fun, spontaneous, full of life, so sure of myself! Now I feel tired, bored with the same routine in and out day-by-day, and insecure.
So my monthly confessional is this: I miss that which I never had. I wish I didn't have to let go of that fun, spontaneous person I used to be. I wish I could take my husband out without worrying over babysitters and money. I wish I could do something new, something exciting! I am watching myself turn into a mom, a real mom. Serious, responsible, all the things I both resented and admired in my own mother... and it scares me and makes me a little bit sad for the person I am leaving behind. Maybe this has been happening for a while and I just haven't seen it, I mean the last three years have been pretty busy with weddings, new babies, moving, etc. Now that everything has settled down and I have time to sit down and reminisce, I realize that somewhere along the way I changed. Not only did I assume a mantle of responsibility and seriousness that wasn't there before, but I lost a lot of my confidence. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, I feel all mixed up. I don't belong any longer with the young, unmarried people. I don't even belong with the married people. I belong with the parent people. People who are mostly older than me. I feel out of place. I feel insecure. And I HATE that! When I walk into a room of people, I have to force myself to put on a face when really I just want to go back home. WHO AM I?!?!?!?!? No, I don't think this is an age crisis at all, it is an identity crisis. It's all about who I am now versus who I used to be.
I suppose the question is what do I do with it? I don't know the answer to that. Things, experiences, are not going to change the person that I am. I guess it is just something I am going to have to accept and let go. But that is a lot easier than it sounds. I feel like I am all of a sudden in strange boots that DON'T FIT! I don't know how to walk in them and I just want my old ones back. But I can't. I think I will grow into this new role, this new person that God is forming me into. There is no use fighting something that is inevitable, I will only make it harder on myself. My confessional, I am in a total identity crisis right now. And so very tempted to go out and be spontaneous, laugh, be carefree! Sigh. I need my sister :)
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