29 weeks

Here I sit, scarfing a bowl of cheerios after a 7 hour drive from vancouver (2 hours of that spent sitting on a back detour road and 1 stopped at a restaurant to eat, but still, AHHHH). I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. Driving at night was fine with the older kids but Aliyah was a wreck the whole way. No one slept, we got to the hotel and it was about 11 before anyone was sleeping. The next morning we packed up Aliyah (my younger brother Timothy stayed with the older kids) and rushed to the hospital for our ultrasound where we found out basically nothing. No change. I suppose that is good news, it means it is not getting any worse. Baby is healthy and growing like a weed, we even saw her little hair!

We got back to the hotel, Jonathan had an errand to run while I sat crocheting like a madwoman, trying to keep my hands busy and my brain from thinking. Then we packed everyone up and went to the doctors. At this point, my hip was completely out from our first walk to the hospital that morning and I was limping and in excruciating pain. SUPER fun. We found out that most likely the surgery is going to be on Nov. 29th or earlier. Especially due to the fact that it looks like I am getting preeclampsia again. My BP was up significantly at this appt. We talked a lot about what to expect, I begged to be in the hospital for as long as I can to be close to our baby so I can nurse more frequently. To which I was told I will be released once I am stable. Great.

We were up until nearly 2 am that night dealing with Malakai who has a bit of a cold right now. It only flares up at night at which point he starts the most irritating, loud, horrible cough every 5 seconds or so. After an hour both Jonathan and I were so done. He went for a 4 km jog to try to find a gas station with vicks (to no avail) and I sat with him for 20 minutes in a steam shower and gave him his inhaler. Eventually he calmed down enough to sleep and then next morning it was up and at em for our next round of appointments. Kids were done, I was done. We were so tired. Packing up as fast as we could we rushed out of Easter Seal to make our appt. in time. Upon arrival we discovered that parking at st. pauls costs about $4/30 minutes. WHAT????? So $15 dollars later, for just 2 hours of precious parking time, we were making our way in to meet with the social worker and a specialist.

We left Van. just before 11 and Jonathan went straight to work. Kids are in bed, jostling around like orangutans while I sit trying to jam everything in my head and make a semblance of peace with all the new information. I HATE these appointments. I hate driving downtown, I hate the screaming kids in the background while I am trying to meet with a doctor, or seeing the annoyed glares from people around me. I hate having to go live through this all when it hasn't even happened yet. I hate the cold uncomfortable room where I can't even sleep by my husband and how much money it is just to park, eat, and pay for gas/hotel. If I say "I don't want to do this" enough times, maybe it will come true? Right? The cafeteria at st. pauls was terrible, worst one I have seen yet, and the most expensive. Two little plates (and I mean little, few pieces of bacon for me and 1 tiny hashbrown, horrible horrible coffee and jonathan got oatmeal) was $20!!!!!! Financially this is a gong show, and when I think of all the procedures, in this city I can't stand, I just feel like running away.

SIGH.

I guess I have gone through this enough to know that this is my process after each appt. I come back, I adjust, I process, I freak out, it takes me a week to take it all in. But then it all settles down and I go back to reality. So heres my reality. I have 2 1/2 weeks. 2 1/2 weeks to decorate for Christmas, buy a car seat and figure out where baby is going to go, pack my hospital bag, and enough stuff for a month and a half, do what I want to do for school with the kids, get my house organized, etc. In these few weeks I will have numerous doctors appointments in Kamloops, IV iron infusions possibly as many as one per week to get my iron up (nothing else is working) and checks on my BP/bloodwork. IF I make it that time without pre-eclampsia getting too bad, I go back for another round of appointments. MRI, u/s, interventional radiology (balloons in my uterine arteries), anaesthesiologiest, etc. At this point, if BP is still high, I won't be coming home. They will want me closer to Vancouver so they can keep an eye on my condition. I have no idea what we will do about that. If Jonathan can get off work and stay home with the kids, then I am by myself. With Malakai my BP got so bad so fast he didn't even make it in time for the induction. He wouldn't be there with me. I would be driving back and forth by myself in Vancouver. And it makes the time I am away from the kids from 2 weeks to more like 5.

I WANT to come to peace with this. I don't want the fear, the dread, the dilemma of this situation to consume me. But as the clock is ticking by, I don't know how to even do that. "Dont stress" about all I have to do in the next few days is easy to say, but it has to be done, and I have to do it. So its also a completely irrational thing to expect. I will stress. "Don't overthink it" seems ridiculous to me, because if I don't think and plan now for child care, our options, booking Jonathan off work, etc. Then we will be screwed. Time is short, thinking and planning must take place. I want to accept that the baby will be in NICU, that I won't be able to sleep by her, that there is no possible way I will be able to nurse her around the clock once they discharge me and I can't make it back and forth from hotels to the hospital every couple of hours. But the idea of going through the whole situation with Malakai again, worse, and for longer... is so overwhelming to me. It was without a doubt the worst 2 weeks of my life. And having to just "give in", go "visit" my baby instead of taking care of her every need makes me want to scream. It isn't supposed to be this way. And if it has to be this way, let me stay with my baby!!!!! Deep breaths.

I know, I know, the Sunday school response is burning on your lips "God is in control".  And I know that. But when everything is so out of my control, I feel like I can't plan for anything. Needless to say, I am going to have to assume the worst, that I have 2 1/2 weeks to get everything done. That means I need to figure out what we need for baby, find a bassinet or co-sleeper and car seat, get organized. And pray that God gives me peace. I think hoping for a miracle at this point will be the death of me, better I just accept and come to terms with the morbid reality of this situation and then I can be pleasantly surprised by twists and turns in the road.

If you are praying for us, please pray that we can get everything done. That Jonathan can get off work and be with the kids, that God helps us financially (may our van get EXTRA good mileage :), that both Jonathan and I can come to terms with everything that is happening and feel peace, I need some peace. That the IV iron infusion isn't horrible (usually takes about 8 tries to get an IV in me with much bleeding and bruising and pain) and my iron is up so I am in the best shape possible for this procedure, and that baby will be extra strong and big and ready so that we can both be released at the same time. Oh, and NO vertical incision. We are really praying that the one cut is enough just considering how long it took my other incision to heal. I may never wear another pair of button/zip pants again people... ;) Thanks for reading my long vent session, your prayers are coveted and appreciated.

28 weeks

At Mission Creek Park with the Kids this weekend

Yesterday marked the 28 week mark for me. I am in my third trimester now and starting to feel it. Bending is becoming so uncomfortable, sleeping seems infinitely more difficult, cramps, braxton hicks all day long, leg cramps and varicose veins. This is Jonathan's favorite part of pregnancy. The immersion of "big bertha". He loves me lumbering through the house, plopping down unceremoniously on the bed and trying to get comfortable, unable to put my socks on without about 5 attempts. It is the part he will miss the most and I think he is starting to get nostalgic that this is the last time I will be like this. As am I. Despite the discomfort, I too love the big belly stage. The baby is SO active, rolling, punching, kicking. Starting to take my breath away at times and it is so comforting feeling her steady, rythmic movements inside me. My own personal little friend that no one else gets to know or have. It is such a special time and processing the ending to this stage in my life is sad.

We have been so encouraged with my BP lately. After my last appointment we were sure pre-eclampsia was on its way, but it has gone down and held steady this last week and we are hopeful that it was just a fluke week related to hormones or something causing the rise. Otherwise I feel fine. Tired, exhausted even, but fine. We are mentally preparing for our appointment on Monday down in Vancouver and now it looks like we will have to stay until Tuesday to fit in an appointment on Tuesday morning. As always, my list of questions is growing and we are looking forward to seeing the ultrasound again to find out of the placenta is holding its position or growing through the wall. I will post again next week once we know a bit more. Surgeries are being booked, our team of medical professionals is coming together, and apparently we are the talk of St. Paul's right now as everyone discusses my case and makes a plan for the surgery. It feels a little weird to be such a rarity and all I can do is hope and pray that despite the lack of information, knowledge, and experience in these cases... God knows my body and he is in control.

Deep breaths. A cup of coffee. And then try not to think about it too much. This is my coping mechanism at this point.

The kids asked me the other day when the baby would be coming, it felt so weird to tell them "in about 45 sleeps". Praying that everything goes smoothly and baby is out of NICU as SOON as possible. I can't imagine driving back and forth to see her every few hours. With Malakai they booted me out after a week and I was in so much pain still. Trying to drive back and forth, the exhaustion. I was SO determined to nurse him every three hours first and then let them tube feed him. I wanted him to master nursing as soon as possible so that we could go. I can't forget the depression, the exhaustion. Trying to do that in Vancouver, possibly by myself if Jonathan has to come back for kids. AHHHH!

So for this morning, I plan appointments, I book hotels, I try to clean my house and fit in a day of school. And I try to rest in the peace that God will work out all the details I can't plan for. That he has a plan and a purpose for me and for our family.

Happy 4-day week my friends!

Placenta Increta: 27 weeks

I sit here on the weekend, pre-writing for the week to come. My amazing husband just found me an ancient mac lapbook. Cheap, slow, and perfect. Why did he buy me said gift? Well partly because he felt guilty and as a consolation prize to being alone for two weeks (he was in Chilliwack on course the last two weeks) and partly for my impending hospital stay. I told him I need a laptop during my stay at the hospital else I might go insane from boredom! At least if I am admitted early at all. $300 later and we are official macBook owners.

This past week has been a GONG show! With no husband around, every little thing seems that much more difficult. I sometimes lull myself into the false belief that I do most of the parenting around here, housework, cooking. And yet when Jonathan goes away that belief is smashed with harsh reality. Even on days he is working, having my best friend and team-mate here makes my life infinitely easier. An hour here he takes the kids outside, or plays with them, or turns on a show, or makes a meal, etc. etc. Being completely alone SUCKS. No help, no breaks, no one to talk to at night. BLAH. I'm a big believer in no more courses ;)

I had a doctors appointment last week with a new OB in Kamloops. Just IN CASE I don't make it to Vancouver. Of course, there wasn't really anything new. We went over my most recent bloodwork and discovered I am highly anemic, yay. Might explain the whole "vampire" look I've been carrying around lately. So I am on a new regimen on iron pills, 3 times a day, trying to boost my hemoglobin and pheratin levels before the surgery. We also found out that my blood pressure is starting to rise. At this appointment it was 118/82 which compared with my normal of 90-100/50-60 is quite high. Of course, nothing to do about it now but wait and see what happens. But we are starting to mentally prepare for the worst that pre-eclampsia might be in the cards for me again this pregnancy. We are really looking forward to this appointment on Oct. 21st in Vancouver again. It should give us a clear indication if the increta has worsened, if I am indeed getting pre-eclampsia and what that means for us. Last time they tried to put me on bed rest, this time I think I would laugh. You want me on bed rest, you're going to have to admit me people... I have 4 kids! Plus, I actually don't believe in it. We tried last time and it did nothing. I find that being up and about actually lowers my pressures so I think I might just smile and nod and do what I have to do to get through these next few months. Already less than 2 months until this little one makes her first appearance. Possibly sooner now. It seems crazy, and I have so much to prepare in the meantime.

The only bit of good news that we received at this appointment was that if I am released and baby is stable, just "cooking" in the NICU, we could transfer her up to Kamloops. This is such a relief to me, just being closer. Jonathan could stay home with the kids like last time and I could stay in a hotel and go see her all day long, but we are at least a little closer to home base. The whole parking/driving situation in Vancouver is daunting, especially after our near tow.

Anyways, I am off to do my school reporting for the week. Hope everyone has a good week and keep checking back for more "boring medical details" about my parasite placenta as it eats away my organs ;)

Placenta Increta: 26 weeks

Im a little bit in awe of the fact that I am 26 weeks. Once I enter my third trimester (next week) everything kind of clicks for me. I feel very pregnant, I feel the baby much stronger and more persistent, I look pregnant, the baby is viable and everything kind of settles in to reality.

Life is BUSY. I am pretty much not involved in anything other than AWANA with the kids and yet somehow I barely seem to hold everything together. This week every day has a plan. I don't mind having one or two things in the week to look forward to, but every day is daunting and downright overwhelming. I need a pajama day!

There's nothing much to report on the pregnancy. Everything is going well. Pre-eclampsia wouldn't show up for another three weeks or so, last check baby was in the 50th percentile so is growing well. We are busy canning and drying and preserving fruit to get us through the dreary months of winter, keeping up with school, and fitting in doctor's appointments/activities. I am looking forward to this all being over. To being home, recovering in my little room with my new baby. Having Christmas together as a family. Right now the next few months fill me with dread and trepidation. It is easier to just take each day as it comes and try not to think about D-Day (take that how you will.... Due Day, Doomsday, pretty much the same thing over here ;) on Dec. 2nd. I keep reminding myself that I don't have the strength for the surgeries and procedures now because I don't need them. God is faithful to get me through my various hellish ordeals in life, and He will get me through this one too. And so I am focused instead on my kids, school, and getting as organized as I can.

My next appointment is in a few days so I will update everyone next week if there is anything new to report.

25 weeks Increta

So as most of you are aware, I had an appointment down in Vancouver last week. The news was not really news. They were checking to see if the notching had disappeared, which it has not. This means that I am at a high risk of pre-ecmlampsia and IUGR (intrauterine Growth Restriction) and baby will need an U/S every 3-4 weeks to check growth as well as regular BP checks for myself. Nothing really new there. The increta is definitely still there and I don't know if it has gotten worse or not, but this time the tech was a lot more forthcoming with us about the situation. My placenta has grown into my uterine wall so far that only 3 mm remains. I am not sure if they are comparing these measurements each time, but I will be keeping track myself and asking how much remains so that I can gauge how quickly it is growing through. The doctor is not overly concerned about it attaching to my bowels even if it does grow through because your bowels are always moving and it is harder for the placenta to attach to them. This doesn't give me the greatest confidence, simply because what "shouldn't" go wrong, with me means "will" go wrong. But I am praying and hoping for the best. My BP has been higher, they are not concerned, again nothing new. However my lower (diastolic) is usually around 50 and is consistently up at 70 so I am starting to get suspicious that we might get pre-eclampsia as well.

So, where we are at is: C-section has been booked for December 2nd along with a scheduled hysterectomy. They will evaluate if there is any chance of saving my uterus during the surgery based on how much blood I am losing and if the placenta will detach, but she said it is a 95% chance based on what they are seeing that this will not happen. I signed the consent forms already at my appointment (AHHHH!). If there are any other complications (IUGR, pre-eclampsia, placenta growing through, etc) we will bump up the surgery by a few weeks, putting me in the middle of November. I am mentally preparing for this eventuality, which gives me just under 2 months until we meet this little girl. I will be admitted a few days before the surgery for steroid shots for the little one, to have surgery where they insert balloons into my uterine arteries and insert an arterial line to monitor my BP and take blood. If I have preeclampsia my admission date will be bumped up as well for observation.

Where we are at with all of this:

The night before we were supposed to leave, we were spending the night at Matthew and Sonia's so that they could watch our kids first thing in the morning. The kids got sick. The flu. It was so bad. We took Selah and Aliyah with us trying to alleviate the sick ones but both the boys got it as well. We felt so bad. I got it on the way, it was horrible. I felt so sick the whole way, was exhausted and nauseous and achy and weak and trying to just make it through the stupid appointments. We came back to the van after our appointment downtown to see the van being towed away! Jonathan stopped him just as he was pulling away and $90 later we were able to leave. So much for saving money on a hotel, we just paid them all in parking fees instead! It was a disappointing, overwhelming, frustrating day. We felt so bad for exposing Matthew and Sonia to the stomach flu of all things, and it is a long-drawn out sickness to boot. We are still recovering, and Aliyah just got it yesterday.

It seems to be the same as last time with my emotional capacity to deal with this. I come home in a funk. Last time I was able to get myself out of it and was starting to think that maybe I could save my uterus and now that all hope is coming crashing down... the funk remains. I don't want to talk on the phone, I really really don't want to see anyone, I have no motivation to do school, and feel like if it weren't for the kids needing me, I'd be locking myself in my room all day long. We have bloodwork and a follow up in Kamloops next week and then in a few weeks after that, we're back in Vancouver. The road has been set, now we just see how bad it gets along the way. Your prayers are much appreciated, but your phone calls may be declined for the next little while as I adjust to our new reality and settle in. Thanks everyone!

Life at 23 weeks

I wasn't going to post until after my appointments this week, but with coffee in hand, kids playing quietly downstairs, and a freshly immunized girl of misery sleeping off her fever in her crib... I felt compelled to write this morning.

I turned on the heat this morning. *GASP! My husband would be mortified, but it was so chilly in here, my feet were cold, a sweater wasn't cutting it, and so our little furnace got a rude awakening after so long in disuse. Aliyah had her shots yesterday, they were definitely the worst ones yet, 3. I couldn't bear to give her chicken pox. Four is just too many. Then I came home and started researching immunizations and started panicking that my daughter was going to get autism or febrile seizures or encephalitis. At first, with family who have had adverse reactions to immunizations, I was completely against them. But Jonathan was on the other end of the spectrum and so we decided to give our kids most of their shots. His reasoning is that he is in contact with so many people, bodily fluids, etc. Our kids are naturally going to be more exposed. I saw the wisdom in that. Over time I have given them more and more and now the only one they haven't had is their varicella (chicken pox). Yesterday I felt like God just asked me to trust him with this.

There are two camps, the immunization camp who feels VERY strongly and judges anyone who does not. And the Anti-immunization who is on the other end of the planet on this matter it seems. I now stand in the middle. I think there is truth to the research linking autism to immunizations. I have been reading these studies and they are legitimate. I also know that some of these diseases kill and it would be devastating to have your child contract one and die and blame yourself the rest of your life. If I had to do it all over again, I honestly might have not immunized. But now that we have walked this path I do feel a peace that if God can protect my children from disease, he can protect them from their immunizations and adverse reactions. He has a plan not only for me, but for my children, and I have to trust him to complete that plan. Needless to say, I have some research and praying to do before number five comes along and I am getting calls from the health clinic again.

Today we pack up for Vancouver. We have been so blessed to have Matthew and Sonia offer to take our kids for the day. We are going to sleep over at their house, leave really early in the morning for our appointments and drive back as soon as they are done. It is going to be a long day, but it will save us money on a hotel and food, and at least the kids won't have to go through all that sitting. I have a TON to do. I still wanted to do a bit of school this morning, my house is somehow yet again destroyed. I have kind of taken a break from routine and schedule this week to get caught up on some sewing projects. And as always when I am not on top of this house like a drill sergeant... it falls to pieces. So really what this post is doing, is allowing me to procrastinate my to-do list for five more minutes ;)

It has been a good week, we have been getting some stuff done that has been looming over my head for a while. Baby is active, although as dainty as can be. I don't remember the other kids being so dainty. She is like a little doll, blooping around inside of me. I know she can kick hard, from the few ceremonial sucker punches I receive, but they are so rare I can count them on one hand. She mostly just moves, maybe we have a little ballerina in there. Graceful, calm, and smooth. I could handle that. We could use a little grace and calm around this house ;)

I am REALLY looking forward to appointment day tomorrow. I have so many questions from last time, I am going to be asking for a referral on as well as to bump up the date of the MRI. I am not looking forward to pushing this wonderfully nice doctor, but I am determined I have to do what is best for not only me, but the baby as well. I am hoping we get some more answers, that the ultrasound gives us a better indication of what is going on. All the uncertainty and reading all the horror stories has my back up against a wall and I feel like I am ready to know where I stand on the "scale of doom". I am also thrilled Jonathan will get to be in these appointments with me. I hate telling him second hand. He can ask questions, hear details I might miss, and just be there to hold my hand.

I will update you all as soon as we know more information, or as soon as we are recovered from our busy week ;) Hope you enjoy your fall day wherever you are. Light a candle, have a coffee, read a book. I am on to my daunting to do list.

Diagnosed with Increta: 22 weeks

Well this week was full of the remainder of our vacation, getting home and settling back in, getting ready for school, etc. We have done a LOT of talking, a lot of praying, a lot of research, and getting familiar with what we will be doing the most of.... waiting. We will hopefully be getting referred to an OB here in Kamloops to monitor our care in between by appointments in Vancouver. We are starting to make our lists of questions for next time and considering asking for a referral up despite how much I liked our OB in Vancouver. At this point its just a lot of questions and not much we can do about it. We got a call with our appointment times on September 19th which we will be looking forward to if for no other reason than to start working through the whirlwhind of questions in our minds. I am sincerely hoping Jonathan can either be in that appointment or else at the very least drop me off and be on speakerphone back in the hotel with the kids. Not sure what we'll do or how we'll arrange it but at this point it is just infomation overload and I can't even think what to say or ask or how to respond when I'm in the hot seat.

I am tired. Bone weary. Probably a combination of this being my fifth baby and the emotional upheaval of it all. I can't seem to sleep enough. My blood pressure is EVERYWHERE. I feel nauseous, I'm blacking out and dizzy every couple of steps, out of breath. As soon as I am up my BP is 130/80 and then when I am resting it is crashing to 80/40. It makes me feel like crap. In my first trimester I found out I am quite low on iron so it is yet another thing I will have to bring up at my next appointment. In the meantime I am beefing up my iron supplements and just trying to move slowly so I don't fall over. I am supposed to start school this week with the kids, I have a few other things planned in as well as their booster shots, and some sewing projects to complete. It makes me want to cry. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Other than school that is. I might be able to manage that, but anything over and above is just simply too much. My home is my sanctuary. My kids are my distraction. I have everything I need here and I just don't want to leave. Growing up with me you would have never guessed I would be such an introvert and homebody, but alas my love and need for people just disappeared somewhere along the way. My life takes up all of my emotional and physical energy, it isn't that I don't miss those "girls nights out" its more that I just don't have the time or energy for them anymore. I would rather spend my few spare moments reading a book, or taking a bath, or heck... GOING TO BED EARLY! ;) One day.

Anyways, baby is healthy for another week. Another week closer to being viable out in this harsh world. In the meantime, I have a house that needs to be cleaned, but I might just call it and go to bed instead ;) Happy first week of school everyone!