Monthly Confessional: Identity Crisis

My kids are asleep, the house has transformed from my cage to my sanctuary. Its many corners and crevices are all mine to explore and search for the peace and quiet I am so desperate to find. And so it is that I find myself a cozy little space and sit down to write my monthly confessional. June, a month of spontaneity. Wind and calm, sun and rain, wind and stillness. I have been forced to consider why I feel a sense of discontent these last weeks. What is it that causes this stir deep within to reach out for something more? I have everything I could ever wish for. A wonderful husband, three beautiful (albeit spunky) children, a home of my own... no it is not possessions I desire, I am feeling a sense of loss this month. Feeling the loss of my 'youth'. I quote that for the sake of those who are rolling their eyes at my dramatist mentality. My age is not lost on me, I am still young, a fact I am reminded of every time someone realizes these children I traipse after all day are actually mine! No, it is not the number that I begrudge. I guess I feel like this stage of my life is stealing something from me, a part of who I used to be. I used to be fun, spontaneous, full of life, so sure of myself! Now I feel tired, bored with the same routine in and out day-by-day, and insecure.


So my monthly confessional is this: I miss that which I never had. I wish I didn't have to let go of that fun, spontaneous person I used to be. I wish I could take my husband out without worrying over babysitters and money. I wish I could do something new, something exciting! I am watching myself turn into a mom, a real mom. Serious, responsible, all the things I both resented and admired in my own mother... and it scares me and makes me a little bit sad for the person I am leaving behind. Maybe this has been happening for a while and I just haven't seen it, I mean the last three years have been pretty busy with weddings, new babies, moving, etc. Now that everything has settled down and I have time to sit down and reminisce, I realize that somewhere along the way I changed. Not only did I assume a mantle of responsibility and seriousness that wasn't there before, but I lost a lot of my confidence. Shouldn't it be the other way around? No, I feel all mixed up. I don't belong any longer with the young, unmarried people. I don't even belong with the married people. I belong with the parent people. People who are mostly older than me. I feel out of place. I feel insecure. And I HATE that! When I walk into a room of people, I have to force myself to put on a face when really I just want to go back home. WHO AM I?!?!?!?!? No, I don't think this is an age crisis at all, it is an identity crisis. It's all about who I am now versus who I used to be. 


I suppose the question is what do I do with it? I don't know the answer to that. Things, experiences, are not going to change the person that I am. I guess it is just something I am going to have to accept and let go. But that is a lot easier than it sounds. I feel like I am all of a sudden in strange boots that DON'T FIT! I don't know how to walk in them and I just want my old ones back. But I can't. I think I will grow into this new role, this new person that God is forming me into. There is no use fighting something that is inevitable, I will only make it harder on myself. My confessional, I am in a total identity crisis right now. And so very tempted to go out and be spontaneous, laugh, be carefree! Sigh. I need my sister :) 

Sweeter as we go...

I have thoughts, as crazy as it might sound. And as I have been unable to portray these thoughts in passing conversations, I have decided to attempt it in writing...

Over the last 7 months since Malakai's birth, both Jonathan and I have spent both time and energy discussing and searching as to why we feel so strongly towards him. Perhaps it is because he was born pre-mature. Maybe it is because of his personality. Maybe we both just love babies and were like this with all the children and we don't remember. Maybe it is that he was so little and has been in and out of the hospital more than the others. We guess and we wonder, we discuss and we ponder. And I believe I have finally achieved an opinion regarding the matter.

As time has progressed and with each new baby we have felt as though we cherish this baby more than the last. Let me clarify that I am not saying love or favor, simply cherish. And I believe that that is because after experiencing it 3 times now, we know that it passes so quickly and we are taking our time to enjoy and treasure the short time that we have. To us, baby's truly are sweeter as we go. I can already anticipate that whenever we have another, I will look at my older three and wonder where the time has gone and try to snatch every last minute I can with the new one while I still can. The second reason is that we have two toddlers. Screaming, fighting, toddlers who require nearly constant time and attention and copious amounts of patience! So when we see sweet little Malakai cooing and smiling and babbling at us, asking nothing, doing nothing wrong... we are drawn to his innocence and his ease. He is easy to be with. He is a breath of fresh air in the midst of our chaos! :)

In conclusion, we love all of our children dearly and equally, albeit differently. Each of them carries so many characteristics that draw us to them, make us laugh. However as time flies by and our lives continue to somehow get away from us, each passing child becomes more and more precious, a reason to slow down and "smell the downy baby hair." And that is a temptation I can't bear to pass up! Mmmm, I have to go snuggle my son now! Good night all!

Part I: A Glimpse into the Life of...

Part 1:

A Glimpse into the Life of... Caleb

"Mama! Maaaaama! Mamamamamama!" The familiar sound accosts my ears and I sigh in defeat knowing that at this very moment my son has awakened not only me, but the entire household. 

"Shhhhh, daddy's sleeping," my morning mantra sounds effortlessly from my lips. Feeling put out that the first words I speak to my son in the morning are to quiet him, I comfort myself in the fact that it is in an effort to maintain peace in the home.

"Hi mama, I'm hungry. I want some cheerios. Taleb wants some cheerios."

"Yes, son I know you are hungry. Let's go get some cereal."

"YAAAAAY! Cheerios, cheerios, cheerios!" well, so much for keeping the house quiet. I try to be annoyed that my whole house has been usurped by this tiny little man in front of me, but I can't as he sings his cheerio song and jumps his way to the kitchen to claim his prize. Sigh.

I now know why babies and toddlers are so cute, God made them that way so that you would be addicted to them despite their many downfalls :) We bound our way to the kitchen (well, he bounds... I stumble awkwardly) and I pour him some cereal only to have to go and grab the rest of the children who are now wide awake at the sound of Caleb's proclaimed joy. Malakai wants to eat, Selah wants some cereal too, and I dream of coffee, anticipating it's reviving qualities.

The morning seems to get away from me. Caleb steals Selah's spoon, he encourages her to bang on the table (which he knows they are not allowed to do), he pokes her, he makes her scream, he coos and talks to his brother, he whines for more cereal. Feeling as though I have lived a lifetime in one short morning, I look at the clock only to find that a mere 5 minutes has passed, and I still have at least 600 minutes to go. Oh man, this does not bode well for me! 

The day drags on in typical spooner fashion, screaming, fighting, and in Caleb's case... silliness.

ie. The house is silent, which means the kids are not fighting, which means that Caleb and Selah are seperated, which means that Caleb has gotten into something. I run around the house and find him in the kitchen, hiding under the table. Aha! Food. Sure enough, he has stolen a pear off the counter and is chowing down under the table. Upon being caught he looks up at me with no guilt, but rather an expression of "shoot, you caught me mom, you won't catch me next time! It was soooo worth it!"

"Here you go mama" he says as he gives it over to me with a big smile. He doesn't fool me, I know what is going on in that little head. Already, at two and a half, he tries to pull the wool over my eyes. Does he really think that I will believe he was just getting the pear for mama. Whatever son, good thing mama's no idiot.

ie 2. One of Caleb's newest antics is to be ticklish at everything. You can't touch him, change his clothes, wash him, or change his diaper without squealing, screaming, laughing and arching. Which makes changing him next to impossible. I get annoyed, but at least he is being happy, right?

Or spontaneous animal behaviour. One minute he is talking to you or looking at you, the next he is roaring or neighing or galloping around the house. Really hard to take him seriously. And a little embarrassing when someone says hi to him and he growls back. Wow. That's my son, the bear! Or the horsie! Ay yi yi!

Straight out of the horse's mouth:

"Mama, I wanna pet Malakai" (um, son, Malakai is not an animal, but sure! You can pet him)

"Mama, you're beautiful, you a princess!" (WHERE did you learn about princesses?!?!?!)

"But mama, I wanna hit Selah. PLEEEEASE mama" (ya, the answer is still no bud)

Me: "son, cousin Kyra's coming over. Are you excited?"

Caleb: "yay! But mama, kyra not bite taleb." (no son, we can hope not :)

"Mama, DON'T TALK TO ME!" (nice try mr. attitude)

Slowly Going Crazy

Or quickly going crazy. Sigh. These last few days have been the epitome of challenging. With rain and being stuck in the house, Jonathan working overtime and hardly around, and my own personal lack of sleep... we've been in for a round of profound impatience on my part. The only thing that is getting me through the long days is going for my walks/runs in the morning and praying for an extra measure of grace and patience with my family for that day. I cannot imagine having another child right now, this is when it starts to get interesting!

Malakai is officially not a newborn anymore. He was my "newborn" for the longest. Just laid there, smiled, was content and happy, slept a lot. Over this last week, it has changed overnight. He kicks and squeals, is starting to roll, grabbing for toys, trying to sit more, babbling, crying, wanting to be held and interacted with... it is the battle I wage between loving this stage and missing the old. My little boy is growing up.

Selah is, as I write, putting all her stuffed animals and toys on the naughty chair. Telling them to "look at me" and "are you happy?" she asks in her most stern, adult-voice. She is my jeckle and hyde. One minute she will be the cutest, most cheerful girl in the room, the next she is screaming and throwing a complete fit on the floor. Sigh. If I had to rate my children on their level of difficulty, without a doubt she is my most challenging child at this point. She pushes me and battles me to the bitter end. "Are you happy?" I will ask her. "No, nnn." She'll pull away and scowl and fight, knowing she will be put on timeout for it. Some days I feel like that is all I do, battle with my daughter. Anyone who said that girls are easy as babies was dead wrong!

Caleb can be so well behaved. For him, the tantrums are a thing of the past. He understands more, I can reason with him, explain things to him. However, the attitude he has started to rear astounds me. He talks back to me like children I have judged my whole life. "Don't talk to me!" "Go away mom!" "Stop it mom" "Don't touch me!" etc. etc. etc. I spend my days with a large "excuse me?!?!?!?!" on my lips, as he sasses me like nothing I have ever heard. Oy vey. Just when they grow out of something and seem to be doing better, they adopt a new behavioural issue to deal with.

Needless to say, I am tired. I am worn down day by day. Each day feels like a battleground, and I am so weary of battle. Maybe that is why God asked us to put on the armor of God, I always viewed it as defense against the enemy. Now I wonder if it isn't as simple as defense for your day. Faith and truth and the word of God. I NEED the word of God to give me the strength I need for each day. Sigh. Well, until another day.

Midnight Mobilization

I went to bed in a state of sheer exhaustion. The effects of a long day with the children was wearing on me and washing the floor on my hands and knees was my undoing. Checking on the kids in one last attempt at 'grown-up responsibility' I finally collapsed on my bed. Allergy medication running through my veins, sending me to a place of distant awareness, I slept.

I was awakened by a squawk from my son in the wee hours of the morning. Let me clarify, that I wasn't just hearing the noise from a groggy distance, no, I was awake. I wasn't sure I understood when parents talked about waking up at your child's every sound. Probably because I was always so sleep deprived with newborns that I was never rested enough to truly wake up. Well, last night, I officially joined the ranks of alert parents everywhere.

I JOLTED awake. It was not a scream, not a sound of need or even a drawn-out cry. Rather a sound of annoyance. And every nerve in my being jumped at the sound. I sat up in bed with a start and wondered where I was and what I was doing. My mind may have been still half-asleep, but my body was not. Adrenaline coursing through my veins I knew I had been woken up for a reason. Once my sleepy thoughts caught up with the rest of me, I determined that it was Malakai and sneaked in to his room to discover the problem. He lay there, wide awake, sucking his fingers. Now, the great debate. He wasn't crying, he can easily make it through the night without eating, so what do I do? I decided to leave him to his own devices, he looked like he would just soothe himself back to sleep.

Crawling back into the warmth of my bed and trying to slow my still beating heart, I attempted to fall asleep once again. No, this is not a story of any great occurrence. Before I fell asleep, it happened to me at least two more times. I would be just starting to doze and he would give another squeak and the adrenaline would jolt me back awake. I swear, it was better than a cup of espresso! 

Needless to say, I am tired this morning. But taking it all as a sign that I am overall rested enough to be very aware of what is normal and what isn't.  And so I sit: looking at the sunshine, drinking my cup of coffee, and held captive by these three little kids I have. Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

The Case For Having Children

Children compose the future. They inexplicably write the course of history and it all starts with their lives here and now. In today's society, the case for not having children is everywhere. A young couple is inundated with remarks and "helpful advice" as to why they should not have children. And for those young families who have one or two kids, they are told that they shouldn't have anymore. Why?

The case for not having children seems vast: they ruin your marriage, they ruin your relationships, they are expensive and draining, and they suck you dry of all your resources. So the question young couples are faced with today is: why should I have kids?

Why Should I Have Kids?

1. Having children is rewarding

• Each milestone a child reaches is as powerful as though you were reaching one for yourself. When a baby smiles up at you for the first time, or your son takes his first step, these small feats will make you so proud!
• What could a child possibly offer me, you ask. They offer a tangible, visible, constant reminder of your greatest accomplishments. You invest into their little lives every minute of every day, and when you see them adopting your values, or learning their manners, or trying to share, you feel such an incredible sense of accomplishment.

2. Having children keeps you young

• Many of today's parents are a hard sell for having a family. They look haggard and tired, drained and withdrawn. However, it has been my experience that having kids keeps you young. I am sure you have heard the phrase, "living vicariously through your children." It is so true. You may take the outdoors for granted, however when you take your one-year-old for a walk and they see an ant for the first time with wonder and fear and innate curiosity, you are drawn to feel the same way. When they ask you why? You are driven to find the answer out. They bring you into the mind of a child, they keep you running, jumping, and thinking every day of your life. What better brain exersizes could you need?

3. Kids are your legacy

• What will you have if your spouse dies? Who will be left to give your life meaning purpose? What will you be like when you sit alone in a retirement home and no one cares? Children are your legacy. They are the reason you can die content, knowing that a part of you is living on. A part of you will never die. They give life meaning, they give every day a sense of joy. They open your heart to love so that you are able to go on if someone in your life dies. You instil your values, your morals, your thoughts and opinions and your genes, and watch it germinate and grow. It is your legacy! What better reason is there?

4. Having children adopts you into the elite "click" of parenthood

• There is no doubt about it, having kids changes your relationships with everyone around you. You have less time, your childless friends won't be able to relate to your new schedule and your new set of priorities. The love you feel for your children is all consuming and someone who has not experienced that will not understand. However, having kids will present you with a whole new set of relationships and opportunities. There are endless online forums, family centres, playgroups, and places to connect. Never again will you walk in a room and not know what to say. Bring up childbirth, teething, or potty training and you will have a twenty minute conversation topic on your hands!
• Having children will open the doors to a whole new social circle. And although you may never go back to your parties or your spontaneous lifestyles, you will enter into something like a family group that will support and encourage you so you will not be alone.

5. Children are entertaining

• If children are anything, it is entertaining. You and your spouse are sure to find hours of conversations regarding their latest antics or performances. Not a day will go by that they won't at least try to make you laugh, and their imaginative ingenuity will constantly keep you guessing.

6. Children will make you a better person

•  Children inspire you to be a better person. They bring out the best in you. You are changed overnight from being relatively selfish, because you can be, to caring for another human being. It doesn't matter if you are tired or sick, someone else needs you and you are ultimately forced to be responsible and selfless. 

Children Are a Gift

I am sure it is a phrase you have heard time and time again, children are a blessing, they are a gift. But it is true. You see, it doesn't matter if money is tight or you are having a bad day or your kids have been misbehaving all day long. There will always be that one moment when they look into your eyes and tell you they love you or give you a heart-wrenching smile and you know, somewhere deep inside your gut, that it is all going to be okay. That this is the reason that you are alive! That you are devoting yourself to something, someone who could potentially change the world. And each day is an opportunity to be a better person.

How sick is too sick?

One of the greatest dilemma's I have faced as a parent is when I should take my child in to the doctor. In a society where everyone is trying to cover their buts, getting an honest opinion is next to impossible. Take the new 811 nurses hotline for example, I have called there at least 5 times and never received any helpful advice. In fact, the only advice I have ever received is to take myself/my child in to the doctor or the hospital immediately. Great, thanks, my next door neighbour could have told me that one. I mean seriously, why are we paying to have a 24/7 hotline that can't tell us any information other than refer us to a doctor. It is a waste of my time and my money.

Needless to say, yesterday when Malakai came down with this flu, we called the hotline. And surprise, surprise... were told to take him in. In fact, they even called me back and tried to convince me to take him in an ambulance. Sure, if you'll be paying for that! The over-reaction is ironic considering that the nurses at the hospital make you feel like a fool for coming in at all. Wow. Where is the middle line? You know what I am talking about, the snub-nosed doctors and nurses who smirk condescendingly as they ask, "So why are you here today dear?" Yeah, newsflash doc, I have three of these guys at home and I'm no idiot!

Sigh. Well, we took him in. And it was a good thing. They were able to give him an anti-nauseant and rehydrate him with enfalyte. At his age, there is not much else I could have done so I didn't let the silly remarks get to me. But I must admit, this constant guessing game of parenthood is overwhelming at times. Should I do this or that? Should I wait or should I react? Should I take them in or should I wait? I guess it all comes down to taking opinions and forming my own decision. I know my children, I know when they are really sick or when I have exhausted all my options. At that point, I need to put on my armour, take them in, and not let their comments get to me. I am mom, I know best!