Finding Contentment

With a click of a button, I feel a thrill go through me. I am happy. And it was so, so easy. You see, I have just purchased something online. It took only a few minutes. I found a good deal, something I wanted, no wait... needed, and bought it. Just like that!

Disappointingly, I realize I will now have to wait for it to arrive. And so I waste more time searching for the next "needed item".

No, I do not have a problem. But I will admit that I enjoy shopping! And the online variety is the most dangerous kind. You see, it is all done on credit, it doesn't feel real. And it is only after the packages start to arrive that you realize how much you spent, and on what.

I have been shopping lately. I bought our homeschool books online, ordered our pictures online, a photo album online, etc. However, if there is anything I am realizing with shopping, it is that I am never content. There is always more.  We don't have one bookshelf in our house, we need that right? I need a new piano light, we need blinds for the kids' rooms, new floors, a new camera. The problem is that these are legitimate needs. To an extent. They are items to which we can live without, however they are items that are important to us and have a purpose. It is far too easy to justify needing something and buying it. But what is a need?

A couple of weeks ago, before any of my online orders came in, I experienced a moment of pure contentment. I would say I don't know where it came from, but I know it came from God. For just one brief moment, I knew what the Bible was talking about... I knew what I wanted to attain. The pure peace, joy, and contentment that can only be found through Jesus. I can't express how happy I was. I saw life as it was, I saw the blessings that are my children and, the books I had coming in, the new opportunities awaiting me. And I was so happy. So content to just be in this stage of my life. And then I forgot about it and it passed. I got impatient waiting for my books and depressed myself with all the things I didn't have.

Here is the truth: we create the discontent and depression we feel most of the time. We start by buying something because we want it, or doing something because we want to... and the feeling doesn't last. We are only happy for a moment and then a sucking vortex of wanting starts to pull us under. Once we make that initial step, satan steps up and grabs hold of our hearts and minds. He gives us obsessive thoughts, he helps us to justify things, he surrounds us with feelings of doubt, unhappiness, depression, disappointment, and dissatisfaction. The way I have been feeling lately is not from me, it is a direct attack from the devil, and I have been just sitting back and letting it happen.

As I went for my walk this morning, in the rain I might add, I prayed that God would help be to be content. I have so much to be thankful for. God is so good! I know that this too, will not last. Pretty soon my human nature and satan's lies will start to penetrate the holy spirit's reassurances and I will be back in the black hole of the world. However, I also know that if I remember to every day ask God to be my hope, to be my strength, to be my unending joy, that He will provide. And once again I will be wanting for nothing. 

Masking... the female pandemic

It has come to my attention that we, mothers-wives-women, have a problem. I will label it "masking". We ALL do it. I rarely come upon someone who does not, and when I do, I usually find them offensive and rude. Ah, a conundrum indeed.







Masking (as defined by myself): The condition in which we say one thing and mean another. The state of being outwardly "nice" "perfect" "understanding" and "accepting" when it is all a lie... or at least some of it is. 

It is starting to drive me nuts!


And yet, in reality, I am one of the worst culprits for it. Take, for example, going to my sister-in-laws. Now, I use this as an example because Sonia is my dearest friend and I know that she is one person I use the least "masking" with. However, I still mask with her a lot. I still fear what she might be thinking or how I appear in her eyes. I still weigh my answers and thoughts so as not to offend or push too hard.

With Sonia, even if we don't always say what we mean, we know each other well enough to see it anyways. So really, what is the point. She can smile and say all the right things, but I know if something is bothering her. The same goes the other way. So tell me, why do we do it??? Wouldn't it just be better to bring it all into the open?

There is a delicate balance. If we all said what we meant all the time, we would be wrong. God commands us to be kind to our neighbour, to use a gentle answer to turn away wrath, to not judge the speck in our neighbours eye when we have a log in our own. We have a calling to not judge our fellow man (or in this case woman), to be accepting, to be kind and caring, to not be callous and cruel. Even when we don't feel like it. So where does that leave us?

Do we take it too far?

I think so. I think people spend their whole lives discovering what that balance truly is. Not being afraid to speak your mind but knowing when to stay silent. Not spouting off your thoughts and opinions unless you are asked about it (or in other words, not giving unwanted advice). I don't want to spend my whole life finding that balance. I want to honor God in my friendships, but still be able to speak truth IN LOVE! I guess that is what it all comes down to, we can speak truth, but we often do it out of pride and superiority rather than humbleness and love.

So, suffice it to say, this pandemic we have as women...

1. We constantly compare ourselves with one another. To two ends... we come out on top and our proud or we come out on the bottom and resent both the person and ourselves

2. We constantly judge people and comments in our minds. Always filtering, spending so much time breaking apart the subtle meanings that we often miss the main message... that that person just wants someone to care and understand.

3. We are two-faced. Smiling and nodding on the outside while thinking callous, judging remarks inwardly. This breeds pride in the worst way.

My conclusion? We are women. We are interpreters of the unsaid, the subtle meanings, the "in between the lines". I want to make sure that what is unsaid is not my prideful, judging thoughts. I want to be sincere, coming across to my friends and family as someone to be trusted. I don't always want to say what I am thinking, but I want to mean what I say, not saying something that is a lie just to make myself feel better, when it doesn't help anyone in the long run. And I want to drop the pretences and stop comparing myself with everyone.

I am not everyone. I am Rebecca. Whom God has called to be a mother of many, despite what people think of that. He has called me to homeschool, to write, to be joyful, to try to maintain a house of order! He has not called Sonia to these same things, nor Jessica, nor Amanda... the people he has not called to this are many. Because this is my calling... I accept it and do not hold it against anyone or lord it above them. I simply lay my cards on the table... this is me, and that is you. Praise God that we are not all the same and can come together in different stages of our lives to encourage one another on the way!

Waiting... not my strong suite.

Waiting requires patience. And patience is NOT a virtue that I possess in copious amounts. I try. And I have definitely gotten better over the years. However, I find that waiting for something I really want makes me irritable. And I am waiting for a lot right now.

I am waiting for my homeschool books to come in so that I can plan my lessons and start school with the kids. There were back orders and they held my order for two weeks before sending it just thursday. I think I will be waiting a while for that one. Sigh. So disappointed.

I am waiting for review books to come in. I usually have so many I don't know where to start. These last few weeks have been a lull, so I have nothing to occupy my time. And this means that they will most likely all come in at once and I will have to read 10 books in a few weeks plus post all the reviews. :(

I am waiting to start my fall schedule with the kids, but for this I kind of need the school books.

I am waiting for bible study to start

I am waiting for payday so that we can go grocery shopping and get more formula, diapers, and groceries.

Waiting for kamloops mom's swap in october so that I can get rid of the 5 garbage bags sitting in my garage.

Waiting for my pictures to come in that I ordered over a week ago! Anxious to get photos into the frames on my wall (currently with pictures of strangers)

Waiting waiting waiting. I feel like my life is on hold right now until some of these things come to pass, and although I am managing, I am not enjoying the process.

Sigh, so... until another day, until another open post office day when hopefully something, ANYTHING will come in the mail :)

Pending Proclamation

Wind. Rain. Sun. Clouds. Fall.

My favorite season. A time for schedules, routines, new possibilities and opportunities. This fall, I have a list of proclamations. I cannot promise to follow them... I am notorious for my lack of follow-through capabilities. But I can promise to try, and to give it a charging start. This is my last week of summer, starting Monday, I am determined to have more routine in our home. And so it is that I promise that:

I will no longer allow myself to sleep in

I will have a coffee before my children present me with their routine whining

I will have a shower so that I feel not like a human hairball, but rather a person... better yet, a mom

I will go on my walk so that I have had time to prepare myself for the onslaught of childhood antics I will undeniably face

I will maintain a clean and organized house

I will teach my children to do daily chores even though it is easier to just do it myself

I will have my kids on a regular, daily sleep schedule to which I will adhere faithfully

I will turn off the TV all day except for while I prepare dinner

I will follow my weekly schedule as faithfully as I can

I will ditch the cereal and mac and cheese and feed my kids healthy, nutritious meals and snacks

I will spend less time on the computer and more time with my kids

I will prepare a weekly meal plan and follow it, determining to make a family dinner each night

I will make a conscious effort to be more careful with our money. To not spend as much and budget more.

Sunday Seranade

"Eat your cereal, stop throwing food!"

My kids just smile and think 'mom's in a mood'

Pushing my buttons, stretching the line

They push and they push, they cry and they whine

My mood turns serious, they know and recant

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" they begin their rote chant

Closing my ears to their half-hearted pleas

I go to my room and get down on my knees

"God, I'm losing it, I'm blowing my top"

"Give me some patience, just help them to stop!"

I come out of my room, prepared for the worst

But my kids are sweet angels, my heart wants to burst

All day long I battle, they push till I drop

And then, only then, will they think they should stop

And just when I think my strength is waning

God gives me some more and my kids stop complaining

I had no idea, I had not a clue

That life as a mother could be such a zoo

A ride of emotions, a maze of the heart

And the scary part is... this is just the start!

Morning Musings

A baby is crying. I try to open my eyes but find them closed... indefinitely. Sitting up in my bed the cold hits me like a slap in the face and I shiver and shake as I make my way, blinded and dizzy, to the kitchen. Bottle, liner, formula, water, a little shake and I can go back to the glorious splendor of my bed, or so I tell myself. Malakai smiles up at me as I pop the bottle into his mouth and hope beyond all hope that he goes back to bed. He doesn't. He coos and squeals and Caleb starts to wake up, I look at the clock in a state of denial, 5:50am. Sighing, and fully awake, I decide I may as well go on my morning walk to clear the cobwebs that have taken up residence in my foggy head. The crisp morning mocks me for a day in August and I pull on a hat and gloves as I walk out the door. I walk, purposefully, determined. I no longer know how to walk any other way. No more meandering, I am a mom and I mean business! As I walk I think, I breathe in the cool fresh air, and I pray "God help me to come home to a quiet house, let me at least have a coffee in peace!" I come back home prepared for the worst and enter the house to silence. How great is my God! I make myself a coffee, and as I finish the last sip in my cup Caleb wakes up... how humorous is my God! Knowing I have no right to complain I greet my son (at 6:45am) with a smile and bundle him up against the cold (time to turn on the heat?!?!?!?!).

It is 7 o' clock. My son eats his breakfast and slyly asks (with a mischievous grin on his face), "what are you doing Rebecca?" Ah son, where do I possibly begin???? He asks for his mouse, a cat toy he found last night and has promptly given a home and a little water dish that he must cart around everywhere he goes. I sit at my computer, hoping to find some portal to the outside world, some connection with some other mom out there who is awake and wishing she was in bed. They are out there, somewhere. The moms who desperately pour themselves a cup of coffee hoping the caffeine kicks in before they have a meltdown. And somehow, without knowing who or where they are, I feel a sense of community with these moms and find I have the strength to turn off my computer and greet the rest of my little family.

HAPPY MORNING EVERYONE!

Why I am a stay at home mom

I recently wrote an article for Suite101 titled, "Should you be a stay at home mom?" and received quite a response from it. I thought I was being very careful to fairly represent both sides of this controversial issue. The reality is, there are many mothers who would like to stay at home with their kids but are unable to afford the cost of living on only one income. Most of the critical comments I received came from mothers who work not because they have to, but because they want to. Although this was not my target audience, I found myself unable to stay silent after I read my last comment. They posted a link they thought would be better received, an article from the globe and mail titled, "Ditch the guilt, working moms: the kids are all right". In order to fully understand my position and arguments, please read this article before proceeding.

Let us begin by carefully examining all sides of this issue. There are three types of career mothers:

1. The financially obligated mother
2. The motivated and goal-orientated mother
3. The "my kids are driving me nuts!" mother

The first group I addressed in my article. I understand and appreciate the mothers who work to help supplement their household income. This is not an easy day and age to live in and sometimes two incomes is the only solution.

To the second group, I can relate. I am a motivated and goal-oriented person myself. I am always looking for the next challenge to conquer, and as soon as I have, I am on to the next hurdle. Because of this, I often battle discontentment and am constantly on the lookout for vices through which I can feel like a person, not just mom. Now, I try to find things that can keep me in my home. Various hobbies can sometimes do the trick, or my current fling with teaching piano lessons. Let's be perfectly clear here: being a mother is not rewarding. I have heard parents say, "being a mom/dad is so rewarding." They are lying. Being a parent is a blessing, and one day we will reap the rewards of our hard work. My children bless me every day! But it is not rewarding. Your kids will not praise you for putting them on timeout for the 100th time or taking away a privilege when you just want the whining to stop! You will not get a pat on the back every time you clean the bathroom or a great referral letter. There is no ladder to climb, no sense of completion (take cleaning the house for example... the job that NEVER ends). So for the parents that yearn for something more, I understand. I too yearn for more at times. And this is where my faith comes in to play. As a Christian, I believe that I am called to be content in my circumstances. Not that I am never allowed to want more, but this is not just where God has put me, but it is where I have put myself. I chose to be a mom. I chose to have kids. Now I live with the reality of that choice... raising them. I daily accept my role and wear the responsibility of that choice and calling. And with God's daily help, I do so with joy!

The third group of mothers are the one to which the posted article refers. To these mothers, I have no mercy. If your reason for working is to escape your children than you are a coward and have every reason to feel guilty. You became a mom, whether by choice or accident, it happened. There are consequences and they are presented in these beautiful little baby's. When a mother says that their child is "driving them crazy" and they just can't stand it anymore (the child to which the woman in the article refers is only 9 months old) then I believe that they are being selfish. Yes, your child will be FINE in daycare. Yes, they will learn some new tricks, copy the older children. They might learn more than they would at home if you just stuck them in front of the TV all day. HOWEVER, they are NOT learning character. They are not learning your values. And, more importantly, they are NOT bonding or forming an attachment to you. Because of this most of these mother's kids will most likely rebel as teenagers. They won't feel obligated to please mom and dad. They will be used to following the crowd and having their "space." They will have all the toys they want, but they will be distant and aloof. And both you, and your child, will suffer in the long run. When they are sick or tired, they won't be calling for you... why would they, you are never around? No, they will call for their nanny or caregiver. They are attached to them. They feel loved, secure, and safe with them. The article states that, "Few (mothers) if any would consider devoting themselves completely to child care" All I can say is that the author of this article doesn't know very many mothers. Hundreds, thousands of mothers choose to devote themselves selfishly and whole heartily to the care and well-being of their child. 


"The real question is: Is staying home with babies generally good for the mental development and behaviour of most new mothers?"


No, my friend. The real question is this: If being with your own child is detrimental to your mental development and behaviour, why on earth did you EVER have kids in the first place?!?!?!?!? 


This article bashes stay at home moms because they guilt working moms. No, working moms feel guilty because they know there is something more to raising kids. Sure, your kids will grow up... with or without your help. But what will they grow into? Who is guiding them and teaching them? Whose values are they learning? Their teachers? Their peers? The cool drug-addict at school? The snotty, rude 7 year old at playgroup? Or perhaps one of the adults they are told and expected to trust who turn out to be a pedophile. Do you know? How could you possibly know the outcome of your child's growth, see the man or woman they will become when you just cart them blindly to their various groups and caregivers, and just hope for the best. 


Hoping is not good enough for me. I intend to KNOW!